The Winter Project

20. Isabel

Her hands were furiously shaking on the steering wheel as she tried to navigate her way through the large and terrifying roads of a country she did not know. After stopping in a bar off the highway for food, Cleo had gotten herself so drunk that she wasn't able to stand, let alone drive, so it was finally Isabel's responsibility to take the wheel. She had agreed happily as they were discussing it in the car park of the remote location of the bar and gas station, but now that she had merged onto the open highway, she was petrified. Cleo slept soundly next to her and was therefore incapacitated in her ability to comfort and reassure Isabel, and there was nothing more that Isabel hated than being alone with her own thoughts. The radio would burst with sound on and off again as it struggled to pick up a signal, and when it did come to life it would only be the sounds of two men talking in Hungarian with brief bursts of laughter and the occasional song she had never heard or could understand.

As she exited from the motorway and began the journey into the city centre, she felt worried. Her life spent stuck in London had not opened her eyes to the distinct differences of new places and she felt concerned at how run-down and derelict this place looked. Boarded up bungalows dotted the sides of the roads. Signs that she could not read were covered in dirt from years of pollution and neglect. The occasional lone person would walk down the side of the road, looking directionless. She began to feel nervous at the potential crime and possibility of death that accompanied it. Of course it wasn't her fault, and she felt angry at herself for creating such a snap judgment of a country she knew nothing about, but in Isabel's experience, crime in other countries could occur at any moment and tear your family and life apart in a split second.

Relief eventually washed over her as she made it into the centre of Budapest and noted that the dilapidated suburbs were merely encasing a city that was shabby but beautiful, with intricate architecture and a strong sense of energy. After passing a museum and a bright green Vegan restaurant that caught her eye, she pulled down a side street and turned off the engine. With Cleo still asleep, she chose to do what she never did and spend some time alone. She ushered a sleepy Cleo into the back of the van and promised to be back shortly.

Climbing out of the van and walking away from it was the hardest thing she had done since their trip began. Isabel feared being alone more than anything, unless of course she was safely in her own bedroom. The van had become her bedroom, and Cleo had become her safety net, so walking around a thriving city centre on her own was a shock to the system and a nightmare at best. Nevertheless for some reason she couldn't describe, she was determined to continue alone. Cleo would drink most nights and fall asleep once she was suitably intoxicated, and it would leave Isabel alone, not physically but to her thoughts. She would write in her diary and reflect on what she had achieved each day and it gave her hope that she could battle her anxieties and rebuild her life. She already felt her vibrant personality shining through, trying to force its way back to the surface. She was more determined than ever and in order to succeed, she knew she had to face her fears.

She tried to retrace her journey until she found the bright green sign that covered the restaurant she had noticed on the drive. On entering, she immediately decided she had made a huge mistake. The queue of people, the radio playing Hungarian music and the sound of a hundred conversations sent her senses into overdrive. She thought of turning back, but she was starving and her desire to eat overcame her desire to flee. Realising that all she had to do was pile up her plate with whatever she wanted and pay at the counter gave her relief from the social aspect of her anxiety, and before she knew it she was sat by the window with a plate piled high, costing her almost nothing. The sudden disappearance of her anxiety allowed for her appetite to return and so she ate until she felt sick and then went back for more food, all the while researching how much money she should expect to spend for the duration of her stay. Budapest, as it turned out, was inordinately cheaper than London and with a few thousand pounds left in her bank account, Isabel was confident she did not need to worry for several weeks at least.

She looked around the room and admired the surroundings. Nordic style simple wood tables and white plastic chairs, covered in families, couples or businesspeople going about their day. Families arguing, couples enjoying each others jokes. Every single person had a different backstory, a different reason for being in that place at that exact time and a different path to take on their way out. Isabel was fascinated by the complexity of life and relationships and how she had always just ignored the world around her, expecting that she would live and die without any of these people ever laying eyes on her. She was happy, for the first time in years. She smiled to herself as she ate through two more plates of food and watched the winter sun blazing in the middle of the sky through the window.

She took several more sandwiches to go as she left and carried them back to the van to present to Cleo. She couldn't wait to share her achievement of going out alone in a strange place to her friend, but back at the van Cleo was nowhere to be found. Isabel instantly began to panic. Her anxiety told her that she had only one option; to hide in the van and lock the doors until Cleo returned, but the van felt small and claustrophobic to her now. She needed more space. She looked around her and observed she had parked outside what could have been a very dreary hotel. Once she pushed through the black metal doors she was met with a calming, large reception area with marble flooring and chrome light fittings. Gentle music played quietly in the background, and a young woman around Isabel's own age was smiling at her from behind the reception desk. Isabel tried to remember the last time she had taken a real shower, slept in a real bed and used a toilet that wasn't in a restaurant or gas station. She introduced herself to the woman behind the desk and booked three nights in the hotel and felt that she massively underpaid. Just as she was following the young woman's instructions to the room, she noticed that Cleo was sat on a stool at the bar that was hidden in the back of the lounge.

'Cleo!' she almost shouted with relief as she walked over to her. Cleo looked infuriated as she sat hunched over what could have been water but was most likely gin. Cleo said nothing, but simply rubbed her head as if to suggest Isabel should stop talking. 'I was worried about you, I went out to get food.' She passed Cleo the brown paper bag filled with sandwiches and Cleo's expression changed.

'I didn't know how long you'd been gone,' Cleo said, taking the bag and peering inside. She looked gratified. 'I thought you'd run off.'

'Yeah,' Isabel joked. 'I'm quite the spontaneous character who runs away on her own.' They both laughed, and Isabel was comforted to know that Cleo wasn't angry at her as she had originally seemed. She explained that she had booked a room for the cost of what would have been a nice meal back in France, and Cleo was so excited that she nearly fell off the stool as she tried to climb off it.

'Please tell me that you packed a swimsuit,' Cleo said as she stared at the information leaflet holding their keycard. 'There is a spa in this place! Are you sure it was so cheap?'

'Positive,' Isabel smiled. 'And yes, I packed a swimsuit.'

They felt like they were living in pure luxury. A basic hotel room was more than enough for the two of them to feel like they were kings. They took long, hot showers and washed their clothes in the hotel laundry room. They took a nap in the bed and then practically ran down the stairs to the basement where they found a sauna, steam room and Jacuzzi filled with glistening blue water. The room was refused natural light due to the small windows but it was illuminated with lights installed into the floor that changed colour every few minutes. Cleo brought beers from the hotel room fridge and Isabel relaxed to the sound of the bubbles around her ears and the warmth of the water. This was her safe place for the night, and she felt protected and secure.