The Winter Project

42. Stephanie

As she sat opposite her friend Laura and hesitantly confessed to everything that had happened in recent weeks, Stephanie could sense the judgment on her friend's face. She had lost count of how many times she had explained that she did not know the name, location or possibly even the face of the man who she had slept with. She wondered how it was so hard to believe, for Stephanie thought it was commonplace to get so drunk that you didn't know where you were or what you were doing. Based on the look on Laura's face, this was not the norm. Nonetheless, she sat and listened to everything Laura said intently, for she was sick of being the friend who was too self-absorbed to hear anything except for her own internal monologue. She considered Laura's arguments that it might not be fair to bring a child into the world who would never know their father, and it would be equally unfair for the father to go about his life without knowing he had a child.

On the other hand, Laura also said that it was Stephanie's body, and she was free to do as she pleased. This comment resonated with Stephanie in a way that made her feel uplifted - she had never respected herself or her body enough. She had always relied on recognition and validation from men, her self-esteem contingent to their comments. Now, finally, she was aware that she had full control of her own body and the respect that she gave herself.

She had spent her entire life planning the perfect family with the perfect house. A double driveway for her car and her husband's car parked alongside it, a fireplace and a huge garden for their children to play in. She had a picture perfect idea of what her future was meant to look like. She thought about Minoru and how he never planned anything in advance, other than what he was going to do later the same day. She thought about letting go of her fantasy and living in the real world for the first time in years.

Maybe it was okay to have a baby and be a single mother. Maybe everything would work out for the best.

After endlessly thanking Laura for supporting her even while she had been a terrible friend, Stephanie marched home with a new sense of purpose and sat her mother and father down on the living room sofa. She cleared her throat, trying to stall for as long as possible as the nerves of the moment caught up with her, and then announced to them that she was having a baby. Without planning to, she talked continuously, allowing them only to sit there in silence with shock on their faces as she explained the reality of the situation. She told them with confidence that there was no father, she was going to do it alone. She told them that she had placed so many unrealistic expectations on herself for her life and that she had gotten herself into a situation that was undesirable but that the situation was concrete and now she had to be mature about it and face the error of her ways. She told them she would work hard for the rest of her life for the sake of her child, and that she was looking forward to having a purpose beyond herself.

She found the ability to talk openly therapeutic, and once she had started she was unable to stop. She confided in them finally about the reasons for her break-up with Minoru; that he was not the heartless monster she had painted him out to be, but rather a man who was caring enough to not let her spend her life with somebody who did not love her enough. She continued to tell them about her depression, a dark period in her life that she could now see coming to an end, which made her comfortable enough now to label it. She confessed about her self-harming and how just a few months ago she had not been able to sleep at night without first cutting into her own skin. She told them that her week long trip to the Lake District with Laura was actually a bizarre and almost psychotic episode in which she had travelled to Japan to try and win back the heart of her ex-boyfriend, and how she had walked away from that trip with a newly broken heart but all of the tools to mend it.

She told them how much she loved them and how she would in turn love her own child with the same amount of love, and how she would learn to love her child so much that it would not feel the absence of a second parent. She gave so much information in only an hour that she wondered if they would be able to process it, and expected at the end of her speech that they would scold her or maybe even kick her out onto the street. When she had concluded her speech, her father said nothing, but simply stood up and walked over to her, embracing her in the tightest hug she had felt from anyone in her life. Her mother wept and apologised for not being there for her, and Stephanie told her that there was no need to be sorry, for nobody could have helped her but herself.

For the first time in years, Stephanie was proud of herself and confident in her decisions. She felt independent and strong and ready to take on the world.

She thought of Minoru, for once not with nostalgia or regret, but with fondness. She had lived alongside him in the world for several years and always found his little behaviours and mannerisms strange and sometimes irritating. Looking back she understood how he had inspired her more in the last six months than in all of their time together as a couple. She was grateful to him for leading her to where she truly needed to be.