The Winter Project

18. Stephanie

The night after her dramatic and unpleasant evening reconnecting with Laura, Stephanie felt so much shame in her mind and body that she couldn't bring herself to even leave her bed. She sobbed endlessly; not only for disregarding an old friend in her time of need, but for disrespecting her own body by tearing at it with sharp objects. She felt so ashamed that she did not want to eat, she only wanted to sleep so that she did not have to suffer in the waking hours. After she had cried herself into exhaustion, she would sleep for a few more hours and then wake up again to the same emotions. The same anguish and hurt that time couldn't heal and nothing else worked. She had no energy left to even lift her head. She kept trying to figure out how she would make everything okay. She wanted things to go back to the way they were, but she had no power to change anything and the lack of control was giving her more anxiety than she knew what to do with. She knew that she couldn't keep returning to the razor to make herself feel better, but it was the only thing so far that had actually worked, albeit only for a few hours each time.

Her mother had knocked on Stephanie's bedroom door several times, only once daring to move the door slightly ajar and ask if she was okay. Her mother's voice was gentle and sweet, and her concern as a parent was the same as it had been when Stephanie was a young child. Stephanie had responded with nothing short of apoplectic rage, and was since burdened with the shame of that on top of everything else. Her poor parents had been worried sick about her ever since she got home, she could tell by their awkward and instant silences every time she entered the same room as them. She hated herself for being so cruel to the only people she felt were being kind to her, and yet she still couldn't bring herself to go downstairs and apologise to her mother and father. She was digging herself deeper into a hole of despair, alienating those who loved her all because one man had not loved her the way she wanted him to. In times like this, she was sure it would be more constructive to accept the love of others and have them rally around her and support her until she felt better, but every word and action that came from Stephanie was self-destructive, as if she was sliding down even deeper into the hole and every time somebody stretched out their hand to stop her, she would bat it away and tell them to let her keep going.

Too full of regret to contact Laura, Stephanie stayed silent. She ignored the missed calls and the angry messages; she even ignored the apologetic messages that came after several days of reflection on her friend's part. She ignored everything; the daylight, the night, the need for food and the concern of those around her. The passing of time became as insignificant to her as her own life.

After days of mourning, her sadness was swept away and replaced by cold and unstoppable anger. How dare Minoru go travelling and enjoy himself whilst she was left here to rot in her own anguish? How dare he experience new things whilst she relived her past in her childhood bedroom? She couldn't understand how somebody who had once told her he loved her and promised to marry her could turn off his emotions at the flick of a switch and find himself exploring the world without a care. She thought he must be a sociopath. Maybe it was a lucky escape after all.

Her anger festered inside her for several more days, and then just like Minoru's feelings for Stephanie, it changed at the flick of a switch and turned into motivation. The motivation allowed her to formulate a plan to get herself out of the hole she had dug for herself. She carefully considered how much money she had in the bank. She considered her sanity and her incentive, but above all she considered love. She considered fighting for love and fighting for justice for herself. She considered every possible negative outcome and then chose to ignore them, and booked herself a one-way flight ticket to Tokyo.

She needed to win Minoru back. She imagined his surprise at seeing her in Tokyo, finally willing to travel and do all of the things that he had wanted to do. She imagined how happy he would be to see that she had changed for him, and she felt that her plan was so crazy that it just might work. He would fall in love with her all over again and take her to visit his family. Sure, he could reject her and leave her stranded in a country on the other side of the world, more heartbroken than before, but Stephanie felt that she had already hit rock bottom. She had already cried herself to sleep more times than she could count, she had already felt so heartbroken that there was no possible way it could get worse. She had, in her mind, nothing to lose and everything to gain. She simply had to try.