The Winter Project

26. Stephanie

Her heart was still beating at a thousand rates a minute and her body was still shaking uncontrollably from her head down to her toes. She couldn't believe that she had walked right past him in the street, that she had felt his eyes staring down at her as she hurried past, desperate to go unseen. Every memory of him in her mind had been updated with his face, as she had almost forgotten how he really looked. He was still beautiful to her in every single way. The fact that he had one brown eye and one green eye, a rare occurrence in anyone that made Stephanie believe that Minoru was truly special. His small but perfectly proportioned yet slightly rounded face. His smaller than average mouth that reminded Stephanie of how he would always eat soup with a teaspoon because a tablespoon was apparently a little too big. Every single part of him that made him who he was, she was in love with. She couldn't help herself, it wasn't her fault. The love she had for him was out of her own control, and it was out of control.

She hadn't intended for them to see each other that way. She had planned to message him and casually mention that she was in Tokyo, and that they could go and grab a bite to eat. She would dress in her nicest clothes, spend extra time on her make-up and smile through the conversation as if everything was completely fine. She had already thought up an intricate lie about her new job and that she was on a business trip in Japan for the week. She had spent hours planning the lie so that she would be able to quickly answer any questions he could fire at her if he suspected something was amiss.

Now, she felt like a maniac. She had contacted Laura the night before who had asked Hitoshi where Minoru was staying. Stephanie had told Laura that she was doing it all for her friend; that she knew how much Laura needed Minoru to get her through this difficult decision that she was making about her pregnancy. Laura sounded so moved and grateful on the phone, but Stephanie suspected that she could see right through her plan. It made no sense, after all, for Stephanie to fly across the world to speak to an ex-boyfriend about helping a pregnant girl four thousand miles away. She thought about how she should have used her business trip lie on Laura too, but then how could she justify trying to find details of Minoru's whereabouts?

As she had been on her way to her own hotel only a few blocks away after trying to find something to eat, Stephanie had seen him. He was still dressed in the same outfit he seemed to wear every day consisting of a plain black top, grey trousers and black trainers. It was as if nothing in the world had changed since they were last together. She didn't know what she expected; was he going to look different somehow after only a couple of months? In a city of unfamiliar sights and people, she could have spotted Minoru a mile away looking just the same as he always did, and she felt completely comforted and horrified at exactly the same time when she had laid eyes on him.

She knew now that she couldn't simply stay quiet. She would have to call him and confess that she had stalked him. No, she couldn't say that she had stalked him. That sounded almost too ridiculous for her to even think. She noticed that even her own internal monologue spoke in her defense; rationalising her visit to Japan by telling her that she was truly there in the best interest of her friend Laura and not to stalk her ex-boyfriend. She was amazed that she could even lie to herself to justify her stupidity.

She had no choice now but to call him in case he had seen her and lie briefly about her reasons for being in Japan. He had looked right at her, but in a way it felt to Stephanie as if he had looked through her, for he did not stop or react to her in any way. She thought about Laura and Hitoshi and how they would be bound to each other forever if Laura kept her baby. She thought about carrying Minoru's baby; how beautiful it would be. How he would need to stay with her and care for her until her last day on earth. She thought about how to get Minoru to sleep with her - maybe just once was all it would take for him to have to spend a lifetime fending for her and their child. She thought that perhaps this was her best idea yet. She fantasised relentlessly about this as she dialled his number and listened to the sound of it ringing repeatedly, each one making her more tense than the last.

"Hello?" he spoke as he finally answered after what felt like the one-hundredth ringing tone coming through Stephanie's phone. He sounded exactly as he had always done after just waking up, and Stephanie knew she had woken him from his sleep which meant he would likely be irritated. She said nothing, her whole body paralysed.

"Stephanie, what is it? I'm trying to sleep. It's four in the morning here."

For some reason she had thought he wouldn't know it was her who was calling and that she had time to hang up and pretend she had not seen or called him, but clearly her name had appeared on his screen as she had been too stupid to hide her caller ID.

"I know," she said quietly. "I'm here too."

Now it was his turn to say nothing. She agonised over what his thought process must be as she listened to him shuffling around on the other end of the phone. Knowing that he was only half a mile or so away from her was killing her inside.

"Do you want to meet up for some food or a drink?"

Her heart skipped a beat.