The Winter Project

15. Stephanie

They say time is the greatest healer, but Stephanie had no proof of this. Six long weeks had passed since she had left her beloved flat that she had shared with Minoru, and she felt no more healed than the first day. If anything, she felt worse than the first day because as time went by, the permanence of her situation sunk in. Her fantasy of Minoru turning up at her door had become an embarrassing dream, with every passing day that it didn't come true making her more ashamed to have ever believed in it's possibility.

She had started working part time at a small pharmacy not far from her parents home, where she would refuse to engage with her colleagues and their persistent desire to get her involved in their overly happy social activities. She barely spoke to the customers, forcing small smiles at their pathetic attempt to engage with her in chitchat. Her only goal was to make money and get home.

As soon as she had finished her shifts and was safely at home in her bedroom, she would scour through her phone and social media to find any trace of Minoru and how he was doing. She was devastated every time that she found nothing at all. It was as if he had dropped off of the face of the Earth. She was tempted every day to call his friends, his brothers or his parents to find out what had happened. Her closest option was to call a friend of hers who she had introduced to Minoru's younger brother Hitoshi. Hitoshi was two years Minoru's junior, and had spent several months sleeping with Stephanie's friend Laura the year before, until it abruptly ended with no obvious cause. From her constant scouring of the Internet, Stephanie had become aware that the two of them were spending time together again. Laura lived in Birmingham also, but would spend a lot of time travelling back and forth to London to visit friends she had met whilst studying there at university. Desperate for answers, Stephanie called up Laura under the pretence of missing her friend and they agreed to meet at a local bar that same night.

She was unhappy to find herself out in public. Despite the fact her break up had caused her to lose a significant amount of weight in a short time, Stephanie felt self-conscious, unattractive and insignificant. She was paranoid that everybody was watching her as if they knew her story, how she had been rejected and humiliated. She could feel eyes on her and tried to keep her own eyes on the floor as she walked into the bar. She sat in the most desolate available corner after ordering herself a large glass of cold white wine as she waited impatiently.

When Laura arrived, Stephanie became agitated with jealousy. Laura was tall, slim and had long straight blonde hair. She had sparkling green eyes and perfect teeth. Stephanie couldn't remember why they were ever friends in the first place, as she clearly did not suit the company of her gorgeous friend as she sat there, short and washed out from weeks of crying and self-pity.

They spent time catching up and exchanging pleasantries, and Stephanie was aware that Laura clearly knew about her break up with Minoru because she did not mention him once. Stephanie continued to order herself more glasses of wine to summon the courage to discuss it. Laura stayed perfectly sober as she sipped innocently on fresh orange juice.

'Minoru and I broke up,' Stephanie confessed after nearly an hour of torturously dodging the topic.

'I know,' Laura said, stretching out her hand and rubbing Stephanie's sympathetically over the table. 'I heard.'

'Have you spoken to him?' Stephanie asked desperately. 'I saw you'd been spending time with Hitoshi.'

Laura looked instantly uncomfortable, and Stephanie feared the worst. Minoru had clearly moved on, met somebody else. He probably had her living in the flat with him, sleeping in her bed and beside her soulmate, kissing him and having sex with him, showing him how much better life was without Stephanie. She was probably just as gorgeous as Laura.

'I bumped into Hitoshi a few months back whilst I was visiting some friends,' Laura explained. She looked upset, as if all of her joyful energy had been swiftly taken out of her. 'We started sleeping together again, I feel like a complete idiot.'

Stephanie felt surprised that Laura was so absorbed in her own story about Hitoshi that she wasn't offering Stephanie the information she had clearly come for. She was irritated by her supposed friend's lack of understanding.

'You never even told me what happened the first time,' Stephanie replied coldly, trying to pretend as if she was interested in the story so that she could eventually find out what she really wanted to know.

'Last year I got pregnant,' Laura blurted out. Her eyes were filled with tears and now Stephanie understood why she was so absorbed in her own conversation. 'Hitoshi was horrible to me, relentless in his adamancy that he didn't want to be a father, and he convinced me to have an abortion.'

Hitoshi had always been an angry person, Stephanie remembered. He was nothing like his carefree, always exultant brother who never said a bad word about anybody and found joy in the most basic of interactions or situations. Hitoshi struggled to find work and maintain a large group of friends. He smoked weed often and did not find happiness in helping others or finding the perfect career. He was a talented artist, but so unmotivated that his work would likely stay in a notebook in his bedroom, never to be seen by anyone other than himself.

'That's terrible," Stephanie said, briefly distracted enough to forget about Minoru for the first time in nearly two months. 'Why would you go back to him?'

"It was obviously a mistake," Laura replied. "Last time it happened, it was Minoru who helped me out and took me to the clinic because Hitoshi wasn't interested. I promise he only didn't tell you because I begged him to keep my secret."

Stephanie thought about how typical it was of Minoru. He would help people and keep their secrets. He wouldn't judge; he would only listen. She felt pain in heart as she thought about how she had lost such a thoughtful and perfect person. She wanted to cry, but she was too determined in her quest for information to give up.

"Now I don't know what to do," Laura continued as she let the tears fall down her face. "Minoru's not here, and I'm in the same situation again."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm pregnant. Again."

Laura was now fully crying but Stephanie had barely listened. She was only focused on the words Minoru's not here. Did she mean that he wasn't here in Birmingham? Was he dead? Had he moved away?

"Wait, what?" Stephanie responded as she finally snapped out of her thoughts and heard what Laura had said.

"I'm pregnant, and Hitoshi doesn't even know. I can't tell my parents, I don't trust any of my friends. I wanted to call Minoru but I don't know when he will be back. What do I do, Steph?"

"Where is Minoru?" Stephanie asked bluntly. She could not care about Laura until she knew where Minoru was.

"He went to Japan. He's left work, I don't know if it's permanent or not. He's not been there long, maybe only a few days."

Stephanie felt sick to her stomach. Here she was, crying herself to sleep every night until her eyes were sore and dry from constantly rubbing them, thinking of ways to bring the two of them back together while all of this time Minoru was flying around the world without a care in the world. She had never felt so aggressive in her entire life; she wanted to punch the wall, smash her wine glass into the solid oak table and scream at the top of her lungs, but she knew there was no point because Minoru was too far away to hear it.

She didn't want to talk to Laura anymore; regardless of how much pain her friend was in. Before she knew it she was back at home, sat naked on the floor of the bathtub as the water from the shower poured over her head, soaking her make-up away and stinging the pre-existing cuts in her arms and legs. These days she only knew one way to make her suffering ease just a fraction of an amount, and she was powerless to stop herself.