Give me Time

7. Loneliness is bad company

Chapter 7: Loneliness is bad company

Being alone is never easy. No matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise. It's the harsh truth, and whether you like it or not, there's nothing you can do about it.

Now i'd love to say that eventually you get used to being alone, but you don't...

When I was six, my mom and I went to Walmart. Mom was looking at some home stuff but all I could focus on were the large aisles of toys right in front of me. I was so interested in them so I started to drift away as if they were calling me to them. Soon I was right in front of all the toys, getting lost in my own little world and I didn't realize where I actually was until another person bumped into me. That's when I noticed that my mom wasn't next to me and I started to panic. I ran out of the aisle and back to where my mom originally was though now she wasn't there. Tears ran down my face as I thought about never seeing my mom again.

You know she's always had the tendency to leave me.

I stood there for a while just yelling "Mommy" and crying until she finally came back and hugged me until I stopped.

But that. That was my first feeling of loneliness. And it absolutely scared the shit out of me.

Now 10 years later, I'm coincidentally in a close situation. And for the same reason.

That god damn loneliness.

Except this time I'm not in Walmart but in a hospital, and no one's coming back to hug my sorrows away. Oh well.

But anyways.. Yeah. I'm crying and I really hate it. I hate feeling so vulnerable and open. Like if anyone sees me crying they also see everything else that I'm trying to hide. That's why I only let myself cry in the comfort of my own presence. Then no one else has to know about it and I don't have to answer questions I don't really know the answers to.

Like sure, I know why I'm crying. It's because I'm a 16 year old girl who most likely has some sort of blood disease and is dealing with it 'in the comfort of her own presence'. But she also only has one parent who hasn't spoken more than 10 words to her in the past month, A sister she hasn't seen since her first round of symptoms that put her in the hospital, another sister that tries really hard to be there through it all but just can't, a best friend who has other things to worry about, and a mind that makes it really fucking hard to forget about all of it. But in the end, I think "Is that really why I'm crying?" and second guess my own damn feelings.

Therefore, I cry- god I hate that word- alone.

You know, I'm not even crying anymore. I over thought it.

Now I'm just sitting here on my hospital bed glaring at the TV that's currently off.

I sigh and lean back into my bed, turning on my side and cuddling up in my blankets as I close my eyes and wait to fall asleep.

•••

"Wake up Lyla."

"Lyla."

"Child if you don't open your eyes and acknowledge me, I will not bring you breakfast from the nurses lounge ever again."

NOOOO

"Ok ok I'm up." I say as I open my eyes to Nurse Jackson standing above me with a tray of food and bandages.

I see french toast... She really is the best nurse.

"Good." She says as she puts the tray of french toast on my little table in the corner of the room. "Bandage time."

"Actually can I take a shower first? I don't want to ruin the new bandage." I ask as I get up from the bed and start fixing my blankets.

"Of course. I'll be back by 9. Remember to eat your food, it's going to get cold."