Finding Yourself Again

Chapter 7

  Ryan sat on his bed, cradling his acoustic guitar and strumming absently. Playing was so much a part of who Ryan was, that he could be lost in thought and still play beautiful sounding chords. He had missed this vital part of himself while he was out living a life that seemed to belong to some stranger he didn't know.

  Today, Ryan's guitar definitely had him deep into his own head. As he formed chords and softly played, he remembered back to all the times he and Brendon would get out their guitars and do this together, not knowing that Brendon had recently remembered the same. He thought about Brendon every day; he missed him so much. When he was partying and cheating, he was so clouded in his thinking that he couldn't see just how much Brendon's presence meant in his life. He was intertwined into every facet of Ryan's world. So now that he was no longer there, Ryan felt a gaping hole in his existence.

  The one thing Ryan just couldn't let himself think about was whether he still loved Brendon or not. It was easy for him to think of him fondly, and feel badly about how he treated him, but love was something his mind just could not deal with right now. He told himself it was because he was so mixed up and confused in his thinking about everything in his life, that he just couldn't make sense of the subject. In reality, there was one buried truth Ryan just couldn't face: he had lost the love of his life as a direct result of his actions.

  Ryan snapped back to reality as he heard a reminder alert sound on his phone: it was time for him to go to his meeting with Greta. As someone who had complied with all the rules and tasks asked of him in rehab, he was allowed to have his phone after a couple of weeks. Ryan silenced the phone, sighed, and laid his guitar across his bed. He turned and looked briefly at the guitar strap that had been a gift from Brendon, shook his head slightly, and headed out the door to Greta's office.

—-

  Ryan saw that Greta's door was open, so he walked up and knocked lightly on the doorframe. Greta looked up from her paperwork, and grinned brightly at Ryan.

  "Ryan! So good to see you! Come on in."

  Ryan slipped into the room and sat in the comfortable armchair he favored when having his sessions with Greta. Things were much more casual and comfortable with them since their first meeting, Ryan having been there for several weeks now.

  "So, Ryan, tell me how you're feeling today?" This was the question Greta always opened up with.

  "Well, a little off, to be honest. Been stuck in my thoughts a lot today. Was just playing my guitar before I came, and it reminds me of Brendon so much. It's something we did together a lot before everything fell apart."

  Greta nodded to indicate she'd been listening. "I see," she said. "Well, I think it's time we move into some new ground today. You know that I have taken your lead as much as possible with the topics we have covered. But today, I'm going to give you a gentle nudge to talk about some things I think you've been avoiding."

  Ryan was quiet for a moment. "So...what topic is it you have in mind?"

  Greta held eye contact with Ryan. "Ryan, we need to talk things out about Brendon."

  "Why? I mean, we know I screwed him over. I was awful to him; and now he's gone. I've accepted that. What is there to talk about?" Ryan was really tense now. He tried to at least tell himself that he had accepted Brendon being gone for good.

  "Ok, first of all Ryan, I want you to stop and assess how you're feeling right now. As soon as I brought this up to talk about, you got very agitated and tense. Does that right there not tell you there are issues here we need to resolve?"