Finding Yourself Again

Chapter 11

  Time passed quickly, as it always seems to do when you're a grown-up with adult responsibilities. Days turned to weeks, and it was now late May. Ryan loved seeing the green grass and trees, witnessing the sunlight grow longer each day, and even more that it was getting warm enough to open his windows and let fresh air sweep through his apartment.

  But what Ryan really loved these days was his communication with Brendon. Gone were the more formal exchanges they'd had when they first started writing again. It was casual, comfortable and warm, like it had been back when they were together and happy. Ryan appreciated his messages with Brendon more than anything else in his life right now. It got to the point where they were emailing each other basically on a daily basis. Brendon would talk about the tour and where they currently were, and Ryan would tell Brendon anything interesting that happened at work, or the things he did with Jon and Cassie. It was the happiest Ryan had been in at least two years.

  One day, out of the blue, he got a call from Spencer. He looked down at his phone, and was surprised to be hearing from Spencer mid-morning on a Sunday. He was sure Spencer would still be asleep, since their schedule with shows often kept them up really late. He pressed accept on his phone, and said, "Hey Spence! Good to hear from you! I didn't think you'd be up yet!"

  Spencer chuckled, "Hey Ry. Well, we actually turned in at a reasonable hour last night, since we had bus call and had to hit the road. We're in Chicago today and tomorrow for two shows, and we came from Detroit so it wasn't a ridiculous drive."

  Ryan nodded, then felt silly since Spencer couldn't see it. "Well, that's good. So what's new?"

  "Well, same old, same old with us. Tour is kinda like that. Go to one city, sound check, perform, rinse, repeat. Throw the occasional hotel night in there to break it up. No...I really called because...I wanna talk about Bren."

  Ryan was surprised, but was ok with it. "Ok, we can do that. Is he alright?"

  "Oh he's fine, don't worry!" Spencer said. "I just...I'm guessing you guys have been talking a lot over email?"

  Ryan wondered what that had to do with anything. "Uh yeah. It was like a couple of times a week at first, but I guess now we're talking like every day. Why...is that bad?"

  Spencer chuckled, "Oh no, I didn't mean anything like that. It's just...well...he is talking about you constantly. 'Ryan this' and 'Ryan that' and 'Ryan said'. It's actually adorable. Dallon and Mike are joking about killing him in his sleep the next time he says your name."

  Ryan felt his heart flutter and the blush rush deeply to his face. "Wow...um...that's nice!" Ryan's voice was a little squeaky. He didn't know what to say to Spencer and the information got his hopes up even though he didn't want it to.

  "Ry, I just...as an observer, I think he's still in love with you. Not just loves you like a friend, but is like head over heels in love with you." Spencer knew Ryan wanted that more than anything, and he himself was so sure of it, that he wanted to give Ryan hope.

  But Ryan was hesitant. "Yeah but...did he say that to you Spence?" He was just too afraid to let himself go there.

  "No," Spencer admitted, "he hasn't. He completely acts like it, but he hasn't. Just like you, I think he's afraid."

  "Well, I mean as much as I'd like him to trust me, I can understand why he would be," Ryan said. "I did a number on him, dude. I was a total fucking asshole."

  Spencer was quiet for a moment. "Yeah, you were Ry, but...when are you gonna forgive yourself  for that?"

  Ryan wasn't expecting that question. "What do you mean, Spence?"