Finding Yourself Again

Chapter 9

  Ryan walked down the Manhattan sidewalk, headed back to his apartment. It was a late March and even though Spring had officially arrived, the wind was still brisk and cold. He pulled down his hat and tightened his scarf, wishing he'd worn his heavier coat.

  Life was going really well for Ryan these days. He'd been out of rehab a little over a year, and my how things had changed in his life. As soon as he moved into Jon and Cassie's spare room for an extended stay, he got to work finding himself a job. He was able to land himself a position with a public library in good walking distance. Ryan was happy - it allowed him to work with books and the written word, while not being a high-stress job.

  Ryan continued to go to therapy after he left rehab as well. With Greta's recommendation, he found a local therapist in the city that he trusted. Bill would never be Greta, but Ryan was happy with their work together. He couldn't believe how much stronger and healthier he felt mentally and physically versus 14 months ago. In order to protect his strengthening mental health, Ryan decided it would be best to completely cut ties with his father. It was a decision he hadn't regretted.

  Things were going so well for Ryan that about a month ago, he received a promotion to circulation manager of the children's department. The raise in pay had finally made it so Ryan was able to afford a comfortable studio apartment near to both his work and Jon and Cassie's house. It was weird at first, living alone again, but it was so nice to have total control over his own space. To keep from getting lonely, he went over and hung out with Jon and Cassie a couple of nights a week. He had also started doing writing again, just to give himself a creative outlet.

One thing that hadn't changed for Ryan, however, is that he was still single. He couldn't foresee that changing anytime soon, if ever. He got asked out a few times, but he just couldn't bring himself to go out on even a casual date, because he didn't want to lead anyone on. He still loved Brendon, and he knew that wasn't going to change.

  When Ryan was about 5 minutes from home, someone rushing down the sidewalk and not paying attention knocked into him and caused him to drop his bag. As he bent to pick it up, he heard the other man say, "oh sorry, dude, my bad." When Ryan registered the voice, he practically froze in place. He looked up slowly.

  The other man looked up and caught sight of Ryan's face. A giant, smug smirk settled on his lips. "Well, well, well! If it isn't Ryan Ross? Didn't think I'd be seeing you around these parts!" Fucking Alex.

  Ryan stared unimpressed at him and spoke, monotone and deadpan, "Oh, hello Alex. How wonderful to see you."

  Alex chuckled, "It is, isn't it? Say, you look pretty good, Ross! I take it you didn't end up homeless?"

  Ryan couldn't believe the balls on this guy. Did he always act this obnoxiously? Probably, and Ryan was too fucked up to notice.

  "No, I didn't. I was able to work something out."

  "Well, I wasn't worried," Alex said. Yeah, I bet you weren't, Ryan thought bitterly. "Urie ever get over his little fit and come back?"

  "No, he moved on with his life, and good for him. And it wasn't a little fit - I treated him awfully and he deserves to be happy." Ryan did not want to hear Alex talking shit about Brendon.

  "Of course he does," Alex said flippantly. "Listen, I was just headed to this club to check out a hot new band, and see what I could score for the night. You wanna come along, baby?"

  Ryan nearly came unglued right then. He could not believe Alex would have the nerve to ask him to hang out and get high. If he let him talk long enough, Alex would probably ask for a fuck too. Never again.