Finding Yourself Again

Chapter 10

Ryan woke up all on his own the next morning, sunlight filtering in through the curtains. It was a Saturday, and Ryan was really looking forward to the day. He had plans to go to lunch with Jon, then they would meet up with Cassie at the park with their dog, Brooklyn. As New Yorkers, they had thought it was a pretty funny name. Ryan loved Brooklyn: she was a yellow lab, and loved having her ears and belly scratched. Ryan was happy to supply her, as he just loved dogs in general.

He looked at the time and saw it was around 10, and he wasn't meeting Jon for lunch until around 1. He decided to just putter around the apartment and relax until he had to take a shower and get ready. He needed to do laundry, a little cleaning and pick up a few groceries, but he could take care of all that on Sunday before returning to work on Monday. He really relished his newly calm life and predictable schedule. It was so comforting after the volatility his life had before he went to rehab.

He turned on the TV and flipped until he found some old cartoons. He still enjoyed those once in a while so he left them on while he made some toast and coffee. He sat down at his kitchen table, and plugged in his laptop. He surfed around on the Internet aimlessly while he at his light breakfast, looking at random interesting videos and memes here and there, and right before he was going to get off his computer, he thought he better check his email. He was scrolling through his list of a few messages, seeing nothing special, until a strange sender's address caught his eye: bbumusic@/jmail.net. The "bbu" part caused him to jolt upright; he knew immediately that those were Brendon's initials. But it definitely wasn't an email address he recognized. He really hoped someone wasn't playing a cruel joke on him.

He began to read the body of the message. Pretty quickly, he could tell this message was no trick.

Hello Ryan,

I know you aren't expecting to hear from me, but this is Bren. To be honest, until last night, I was expecting to never contact you again. But something amazing happened to me yesterday: Spencer shared your apology letter with me. I can't believe he had it for over a year, but he really did wait until the time was right to share it with me. I'm not sure I could have handled having it much sooner. Or that I would have been willing to read it before now.

Your apology meant so much to me. THANK YOU for issuing it. That was really healing for me to read. That was the most selfless thing I've ever known you to do. I also want you to know I am so happy you are doing so much better, and so incredibly proud you got help for yourself. Spencer told me how much you've healed and grown and I cannot tell you how happy that makes me, both for you and me personally.

I have to say, the fact that you've respected my wishes and haven't tried to reach out to me in any other way, along with the meaningful letter, has restored some of my trust in you. I feel like it's safe now to share some personal info with you. I am out in LA, and currently am living with Spencer. I am sorry to put you both in the position where he couldn't share that with you, but I just couldn't risk it after everything, and it seems like from your letter you will understand. Just don't be mad at him. He was trying to be a good friend to both of us at the same time.

Also, he hasn't shared something else with you, per my request: we are both in a band, and we're had some pretty decent success. We got signed by Pete Wentz - yes, of Fall Out Boy! We made an album and have done a couple of West Coast tours. We're getting ready to go on our first big national tour. So you will likely hear about us soon if you follow music news. Our band is called Panic! At The Disco. I had him not share that with you sooner for the same reasons as all the other stuff. I didn't know yet that I was going to be able to trust you but it's clear now that I can.

There's one last thing I want you to know that has come from your letter to me: I forgive you. I won't be able to forget what happened for a long time, but I don't hold it against you any longer. You found the problem and worked to fix it. What kind of a person would I be if I continued to hold something against you that came from a problem you couldn't help? Once you knew you had the problem, you worked on it. That's all anyone can do, Ryan, and you are so strong for doing that. I just have to say again how proud I am of you.