One Word

So You Said You Want To Die...

It's a struggle that makes every struggle so much worse... because you sit there and you think "If I talk to them about it, it'll just bring them down too." And so you don't. Instead, you bottle it up. And it bubbles over until it burns your mind and body, and makes you sick. And not just sick to the point where you wanna fall over and vomit out the pain. Not just physically sick. Emotionally sick. Sick to the point, where the only medication is self prescribed, or it stings your flesh as it opens it. Sick to the point of numbness. Where you want to scream and have somebody hear you. But your lungs and your throat won't support your volume. And so you stay silent till you can no longer feel it. And you've cut yourself so many times that your skin is beginning to look like pages. But all you do is look everyone in the eye, lying, saying "I'm fine," and constantly trying not to cry. Trying not to let go. Because once you let go, you know you won't be there anymore. You won't be able to see what happens to your friends. You won't be able to watch your younger siblings finally grow up. You won't be able to feel the comforting embrace of your bestfriend or significant other. And it makes you think. Do you really want to die? Is the pain really worth ending if you don't get to experience what you get on the side? All the late night phone calls, the sleep overs, the get togethers. Or the warmth of the fire as you sit bundled up, sipping hot cocoa in the winter with the love of your life. The lovers you threaten, so your best friend won't get hurt. The way your heart flutters when someone you've fallen for compliments your eyes. Your dimples. Your little button nose. The way their eyes twinkle and make everything feel okay. The way your mother makes you your favorite meal when you feel sick. Or when you experience your first kiss, and how no matter how awkward it is, it still kind of felt like bliss. Maybe you'll miss holding your first born as their first breath greets the world. How they somehow always smell of lavender. Or they run to you when you open the door, and greet you with a hug. Or when you buy your first house and finally make it feel like a home. Your home. With all the possibilities in the world. Or the lessons you'll learn through it all. All that you'll lose, but continue to become stronger from enduring. Every debt, every miscarriage, every night spent mourning over someone close. Sure. It's tough. That's life. But even with all the hardships, is it really worth giving everything up?