Infatuated Bliss

Ode to Anxiety

You wake up
It's 6:30 AM
5 missed calls from your Mom
All at 1 AM
You check outside
Her car's missing
Your heartrate increases
You start to panic
So you call her
19 times
She isn't answering
She isn't picking up
So you check downstairs
You don't even need to go all the way down because your Father sounds frustrated and like he's going to cry
You wonder where she went
Where could she have gone
What happened between those two
Did he beat her again
It's been years since they actually hit each other, but maybe it was that bad
You go back to your room and open your blinds
You need to know if she's coming back
You start to panic again
Your body is now shutting down
You're sitting on the floor with tears streaming down your face
You do what seemed the most reasonable
You grabbed the blade hidden in your school bag
You start to cut into your skin hoping it'll take your mind off things
And then you throw the blade in exchange for your phone
Because you have to know what happened
So you grab your phone and look at the news
You check her Facebook to see if she was killing herself
Because it's not like it's the first time she almost committed suicide
It's not the first time your mother almost left you
You still get flashbacks of the time she almost left anyway, so there is no forgetting
Like how you were the only one holding on as she kicked you in the face and body and hands and arms begging for you to let go
She was forced to drag you as she tried to leave
But she stayed out of pity for you
She's only there because you wanted to hold on when all she wanted was to leave the abuse
You finally regain control in your legs
You can stand but the tears are still falling
And you muster up the courage to get up
To get to the closest wall so you can bang your head against it
Hoping that these negative thoughts will stop ringing in your ears
Hoping that everything will just go dark
But like most suicide attempts, they're only attempts
So you look outside again
Nothing
So you look downstairs again
And you see your Mom
Bringing laundry back to her room
You go downstairs and you hug her tight and ask if she's okay
She says she's fine, and that she just got into a car accident last night
Your mind starts to drift off as to why she got into an accident
But then you comeback to the realization that for now, she is okay
She is here and so you just hold her tighter

XXXX
Hey, okay so this one was kind of weird.  Or a bit harder to follow I should say.  This is what happened to me this morning actually.  I was having a panic attack because of what happened to my mom even though I wasn't entirely sure what happened for about an hour or so.  Then I finally see her downstairs.  I was relieved to say the least, and all I could do was just hold her as tight as I could.  And apparently my Father was just pissed that he lost money on his truck and that we have to get my mom's car fixed now.