broken dreams-a seaycee story

four

Sean

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"He got life in there, Kayc," I told her as I sat in her room again, later that night. "Life in prison. Unless he chooses to end it himself. Then they'll give him the injection. Do I think it was enough?" I almost allowed myself to laugh. "Not even close. But you gotta get your revenge, Kayc. I got as close as I can get without landing myself in jail. You gotta wake up and get your revenge on him. Live because he doesn't get to anymore. Live because you have so much to live for still. Live because you don't have much more time that we can keep doing this, babe."

From the crash, I had gotten off easy. A concussion and I'd broken one rib and my right femur. But Kaycee had been launched into a coma. Rehab sucked and it was a bitch, but it was nothing compared to the emotional trauma. I was plagued by nightmares, waking up with the sheets balled in my hands, sweating, tears running down my face. Every time I thought I was going to be okay, Kaycee's face, broken, torn, twisted in a scream, came into my head. Lying on the ground, glass everywhere, blood spattered, officers crowding, sirens blaring. I reach out for her, but nothing moves. I open my mouth to scream her name, but nothing comes out.

Or the worst one.

She screams for me to help her. 

And I can't. I'm motionless. I watch the crash happen, from a bystander point of view. I can basically see the life be hit out of her, see her launched, see our hands separate, and see us fall apart, literally losing everything in the slow-motion version of a second.

"You think you're gonna wake up soon?" I said, laughing through my tears. "You always were all about the deadline, working up until the last second. I can't even count how many times I'd call you the night before our routines were gonna be showcased at Imma, and you hadn't even started yet. So many, Kayc. So many."

Holly came in again. The news had traveled fast, and I was sure she'd seen it on the nightly news they kept on in the waiting areas. "Doing ok?" she asked. 

"A little better," I admitted. 

"She's holding out on you," Holly sighed, setting the tray down on her bedside. That woman was a saint. She brought Kaycee dinner every night, in hopes that she'd wake up and say she was just dying for whatever hospital rendition was being served that night.

"I know," I said. "But she's coming back. I know she will. I'm not giving up on her."

"The day that man makes it out of prison alive is the day I'd expect you to stop giving up on her," she said with a teary smile, and she slipped out, leaving me alone with my thoughts again, as she had been doing for a little over five years.

I thought about the first time I'd come back to the hospital after my release. My mom had driven me, but I had asked her to stay in the car. I didn't want to say anything about the baby. Heads turned to face me, as everyone knew who I was, and shocked whispers flew around the floors as I maneuvered my way up to her room, something I didn't know, but that I'd be doing for the next five years.

Then came the doctors, shaking their heads and remarking how we were so young. Then there I was, grabbing the young doctor by his coat, shaking him, and asking him was my child ok? And their faces. Falling.

There was a baby? They cried in pain, and then they pulled me in for a hug. Son. I'm so sorry.

You'll be lucky if she even makes it out okay.

******************************************

There were some days that I got mad at her. Called her selfish, called her mean, told her she was just being ridiculous. Most people woke up by now. Then I ended up apologizing, breaking down, and feeling horrible. How could I be like this? I was out here, emotionally scarred by physically fine. Kaycee was fighting for her life every single day. Deep down, I knew my girl was still in there. Maybe I was the only one who thought so, but as someone who shared the closest bond with her besides her mother, since she carried her, I thought I would know if that bond was suddenly snapped, if she died.

"You can't keep doing this to me," I told her that night. "I feel like I'm losing you. I'm scared I'm gonna. You've scared me a ton over our lives, Kayc, a ton. I didn't think I'd ever be more scared than I was when you told me you were pregnant. But Kayc, I'd give anything to be back there. I'd do so much differently. I'm really scared, Kayc." My voice shook. "I pretend like I'm fine, but I'm not. I don't know how I'm gonna be able to do this if you don't wake up. I need you to. I don't care if things are different once you're up, if you don't want anything to do with me, if you hate me and curse my name, if you never wanna see me again....Kayc, I just need to know you're gonna be ok. I need to know this isn't my fault. Please." 

I always ended with please. Then I love you. "I love you," I told her. Then a kiss. Then I grabbed my jacket and was gone, hands in my pockets, head down, blinking back the tears. 

*********************************************

It was 3 in the morning, a particularly peaceful night, no nightmares, when I got the call. 

"Sean," Holly's voice came rushed, crazed. Her breathing was fast and my name came out in a hurried breath. "You gotta get here."

I was already halfway out the door, sleepily stumbling to my car when she uttered the single two words I'd been waiting to hear for the past five years.

"She's awake."

AN: two updates?? and kaycee's awake??? merry christmas y'all!! or happy holidays if you don't celebrate :) 

any guesses on what's gonna happen next? 

how do you think kaycee's gonna be? sean? 

eek!!!! comment comment COMMENT my loves!!! SOOOOO EXCITED!!! and finally some positivity :)))