broken dreams-a seaycee story

thirteen

Sean

Three months later

_______________________

I woke up earlier than Kaycee, not to my surprise. She was a late sleeper, and she always had been. And she was also a heavy sleeper. A train could bulldoze straight through the room and she'd be still in bed, hair slightly ruffled, completely unfazed, most likely snoring. Still cute, though. I planted a kiss on her forehead, and headed downstairs to the studio room. I was nervous for her, as I knew she was secretly afraid of everything going haywire, stringing herself along for nine months and losing her baby, and I knew she was putting on the false bravado for me, trying to keep me strong, but deep down, nothing could ease my fears, not even her.

I was afraid. Me I could protect. Me I could control. 

Then entered Kaycee. 

Then I got her pregnant, and made her suffer. Then I couldn't protect Ellie or Kaycee from the crash.

Then I couldn't protect her from Gabe.

Now I can't protect her from the possibilities. 

And I won't be able to protect the baby fully. I could do everything right as a dad, be the best role model, the best influence, love the baby as much as I loved its mother, support it, spoil it, be there for it, and still lose it not at my hands. The world was a terrifying place, and I wasn't ready to let something so pure be exposed to it. I felt horrible enough for staining Kaycee's shining pure soul with my touch, over and over again, but this baby was the result of our actions. It was the greatest gift life could give me besides the most beautiful person to create it with, Kaycee, but I could lose the both of them instantly when she goes into the hospital. I was petrified. 

I liked to think I was good with words. I was a good speaker and a thinker, and I liked to read a lot so I thought that helped my vocabulary, but writing was Kaycee's forte and it always had been. But sometimes, there were just some things I couldn't dig into with words. Not even in song. Some things I could only come in touch with through dance.

*****FLASHBACK*****

15 years old

ImmaSpace

And my friend said
I know you love her, but it's over, mate
It doesn't matter, put the phone away
It's never easy to walk away, let her go
It'll be okay
It's gonna hurt for a bit of time
So bottoms up, let's forget tonight
You'll find another and you'll be just fine
Let her go

I launched into an aerial and collapsed on the floor out of it, twisting my arms as I watched my face contort with pain in the mirror. Damnit, damnit damnit. I hated myself. If I had just told her sooner how I really felt, then I wouldn't be here. Again, I had screwed up my chances with Kaycee. Everyone said I had all the tools to keep her for a long time, maybe even forever, everyone said all the signs were there. If I could just be upfront about it and use my goddamn voice instead of doing these stupid dances behind closed studio doors afterhours where no one knew how I was feeling except myself. We were on the same level for everything, mentally and physically, and everyone joked the only thing different about us was the fact that Kaycee wasn't Asian, wasn't a guy, and was a year younger. 

There was another thing, though.

She wasn't in love with me.

But nothing heals the past like time
And they can't steal
The love you're born to find
But nothing heals the past like time
And they can't steal
The love you're born to find

I hit my ending pose, tears running down my face as my whole body convulsed with sobs. The music faded, and the loud base from the party on the roof of the complex floated through the pretty soundproof walls, only making the pain worse, reminding me of everything that was up there that I wanted, but was now officially out of reach.