The dreams.

she/new

I read a quote that said "Thankyou for not wanting me, it made me want myself"
It's been awhile. I was balancing when she caught me. I was warm and my feet were on fire to wander back into her arms before it happened. I was teetering close to the edge when she pushed me over. I didn't see it coming. It became suffocating to her. The warmth for me was setting her on fire and i couldn't see that she was burning. I only added fuel and she pushed me over. As i was falling i couldn't feel anything, it was painless, but it wasn't bliss. The pain i felt was a different kind of pain..it wasn't caused by the fall, it was caused by the tearing away of her arms from around me.
When i was in and out of consciousness i once asked for her. I heard them say she was there and i wanted her. Even though she pushed me, i desperately wanted her to put her arms around me one last time. I ached for something that wasn't mine.
When i got home i searched for her scent in my covers and i couldn't get her out of my head. I Couldn't get the warm image of her out. I saw that she was warm and i was mistaken.
After she was gone i looked back at our pictures and i saw that she had dimples. As much as she smiled at me i was looking to closely at her eyes to see them, and now that saw them i wished i could stick my finger in one. They're so cute.
She unfolded stories to me and i slowly unfolded with her. We unfolded together. She held me every night. i got lost somewhere in her voice.
She told me things that excited her and i told her mine. Then she nibbled my at my fingers and i ran my hand along her stomach. She sounded so pretty to me.
She was intoxicating. I wanted to hear her over and over. I wanted her to kiss me the way i kissed her. She didn't know How, but i wish She had tried harder, that should've been a warning sign to me that she was igniting. But i was blind to it, because i could only feel her. She told me something that happened a long time ago and i promised her that i wasn't like that person and that i would never do that to her, but i didn't do it right. I should've asked her before i Kissed her everytime. I must've reminded her....because when i came back someone told me that she liked it at first and then she didn't.
Sometimes i still imagine what she felt like beside me and when i dream of her, She's back right there and she chooses me. But she won't choose me, and i am moving forward. I'm happy Now. I don't know why. But i think it's because i accepted it and i am free from the voice in the mirror now that told me i wasn't enough. Maybe she helped me beileve that i was good enough. Because even when she ran back to the couch alone she said she was sorry to me. Before she pushed me she said that she was sorry she had to leave.
My stress vanished when they took the tubes out of my veins and i was free again, i was alive. And I'm so happy because now that's all i need i needed to be alive and i wanted it. As i fell it broke
.the chains broke. No more wishing i wasn't here anymore. I was suddenly happy. And it's only getting better. I began to want myself. I began to love myself. And i do. I love myself. I'm good enough and I'm so free, I'm not alone. I appreciate the people who talked to me after it all and let me tell them. I needed to be free. I don't regret any of it. Because I'm alive and now i love more.