The dreams.

Past

I walk alone up the dark street on my way home from my friends house to go to momma. someone grabs me. let me go i back away. he stares into my eyes as he takes one last hit of his cigarette and grinds it into the pavment...he bends down into a tackling position i look to my right at my house.....the window is lit up...." momma!!" helllpp i scream for help and try to run but it feels like my feet are glued to the pavement.

I jolt myself awake in the middle of the night and cry then i go back to sleep. happy dreams come too, but often turn to nightmares.....who are you?? what were you thinking? you'd run away and leave everyone behind? of course you would...selfish she'd call you...deceitfull she'd call you....liar she'd call you.....

what she never called you.....the names other people call you...sweet girl, pretty girl, good girl......never she'd never call you a good girl, she could never understand that you were trapped. you were scared...you told her about the past and she could only look down upon you for it....look down upon you for your forgiveness....look down upon you as you try to be happy again..

she never trusted you. she never had any intentions of letting you go. they never had any intentions of letting you go. you cried at night begging to get away...even contemplating riuning your reputation...running away once again..but you never did....you were afraid but you were still more scared of the darkness outside the house..and the uncertain furture that lay outside if you were to go for it.

when you followed orders and did good in school it was never enough....she called you a clown....you hid your ears for a year.....you fell down a deep dark hole you became prey to everyone around you. you'd wear nice clothes and nice shoes and you'd fix your hair. youd make jokes and laugh with your friends....you'd walk with your head down..you felt like everyone was staring at you whenever you were around.....vulnerable, weak, helpless. cut yourself down ms selfish. You only cared what others thought of you. you looked for happiness in all the wrong places.

you snuck those pills...swallowed them whole 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10 nothing worked...you felt dizzy all day, you slept all afternoon..night after night. day after day. You lived in denial...its your fault. selfish. you changed your voice, you changed your attitude. maybe they will like you. when you sung for them it made you happy they all told you you were amazing and stared at you in awe. the boys knew your name and called you buddy. it made you happy. you laughed hard all day at school and cried yourself to sleep at night. you wouldn't talk to a therapist what can they do??

pretty dresses, pretty hair, grand entrance, no one cares. dancing upon those other girls leaving with them too left alone on the dance floor....no more strength in you. you wrote in your diary all the time writing poems and writing lines. writing about this and writing about that, writing in a way that  could never be deciphered. hope she never found your book...though it wouldnt make a difference, what is there to show the world except for her incoheretence?