My Innocent Love

Chapter 3 A Vow

I've never known the real definition of being in control of a situation but every time I look at my father, I only know that I can never be the controller of my own life. The day I turned eight, he had called me in his room and I like an anxious kid had gone, hoping I would receive my birthday presents. You know once I used to really get excited about my birthdays but since that day, it changed because I discovered that birthdays are no fun.

They are just a reminder for us to know that the clock is moving forward, and we are stepping into the adult world and the child in us has to put to sleep and accept the burden of responsibilities.

So, it happened as I stood in front of my father's desk as he went around checking files after files, but no word was spoken until I tapped my feet on the tiled floor disturbing him. I swear I wanted to shout at him for a second but remembering the promise I made to Mom to behave I controlled that urge. But I wished that I would have shouted that day then maybe, just maybe things would have been different then.

He looked at me with a serious expression and I prayed to all the Gods I knew for patience because I had a plan to help Mom bake my birthday cake and he was destroying my fun.

"Are you going somewhere?" He asked checking me from top to bottom and I frowned. It was my birthday and we didn't have a school that day for some reason, so I dressed up in casuals like a birthday boy would do. How does that equate to me going out?

"Amm....no," I stammered but let out a reply before he could kill me with his dangerous eyes. Trust me, he hadn't even wished me till now and I don't see it happening anytime soon. Maybe, someday he will but that day was not today, and I was certain about it.

"Good. Just because it's your birthday I don't expect you to waste your time in petty things, Aayush. You've to remember always that you belong to the Khandelwal empire and we don't even waste a minute. You've to be at the top in your class forever. Whether be it in grades or whether be it in any competition, you don't have a choice but to win by hook or by crook. Don't bother about anyone else but the image of the name you own. Do you understand me?"

Although I nodded then I hate to accept this that it was the blandest lecture I ever received in my entire life. It was shitty. Father's tell their son to become mature, but here he was telling me to get anything by hook or by crook.

I swear I didn't even know the meaning of the phrase then. And what was that shit of not wasting time? So, now breathing is wasting time. Perhaps, even Aayush Khandelwal eating in peace is equal to wasting my time. Huh!

The more I thought about his words in the coming days, the more annoyed I got but one thing did happen was that my ambitions grew with each day because a part of me hoped after that day that maybe if I always remained a topper, he'd give me the love of a father. But what a delusional concept it was. It was definite, I was succeeding in my life, but he was far from becoming the man I wanted my father to be.

My success only enhanced his power to control me more. Neither I got the choice to live my life as per my wishes, nor I liked to share my feelings with anyone after that. I became quiet, desperate and even, selfish somewhere because I stopped caring who did what around me until I met Raisha.

Now, when I say selfish, nowhere did I mean that if a puppy was dying so I would leave it to die on the road. I meant that I just became my own person. Had limited conversations with people, and the idea of being a topper somewhat provided me with a goal and a bit of happiness to live which I didn't have in general terms.

But as much as my grades were my business, it was Dad's business too and the moment he saw my sixth standard report card of the final exams, the ball of fire unloaded on me and I just took the jabs recalling the only time he told me to be a winner and now I wasn't on the top.

Raisha was on that position now.

"How the hell did you go on the second spot? Didn't I told you that you're supposed to be on the top always?" He lashed gripping my shoulders tightly and it hurt. But it pained in my heart more.

"I'm sorry, Dad." I apologized even if I was least sorry. But knowing him that he won't let it go easily, I have to be meek here and pretend as if he was right.

"What are you sorry for? For lowering my name or wasting my money. All I asked from you was to be on the top and you can't even do that for your father, Aayush." He yelled.

I didn't know what to say then. Was I a disappointment?

"Viraj, stop it. It's just one position. It's not like he took your empire down." Mom said having enough of his ridiculous reasons.

And that was the beginning of another brawl between them and as they quarrelled in front of my eyes, through my blurred vision I saw them arguing because of me.

I had to be the shittiest child out there who made his parents fight each day. Like a curse on their relationship, I stood there watching them exchange ugly words and badmouthing the other until I couldn't take anymore when Dad badmouthed Raisha without knowing her.

How could he just say that she cheated? Was he insane?

"Stop it!" I screamed with everything inside me and there was a pin drop silence in the living room. Mom looked at me horrified like now she realised that they both fought right in front of me without realising the impact it may cause on my mind.

But you know I don't care anymore if they fight or kill each other because they will guilt me always into believing that I'm the reason why they are going apart.

"It's my fault that I came second. Stop accusing someone whom you don't know. You don't know anything about that girl so don't make her the discussion of your ugly brawl. I'm fine being the reason for it but keep the topper girl away because she doesn't deserve your shitty remarks. You're free to bash me or even beat me." Collecting every ounce of energy inside me, I made it clear to both of them.

Dad gave me a heated look for raising my voice, but I don't care. He doesn't get to talk rubbish about Raisha without knowing who she's and how she's working hard to even cross the school life.

Mom walked up to me, but I gave her a disappointed look and scurried back to my room not wanting to even talk to either of them. They need to just stop bothering about me now, especially, Mom needs to forget that I'm a human being or I have feelings because by fighting for me, she's breaking her marriage.

And I hate to say this but no matter what I don't want to become the reason of their failed relationship.

So as much as I would have loved to stay by my Mom's side I didn't and locked myself in my room. But if I thought it was the end of their fight, then it wasn't.

For an hour or so, as I heard them arguing loudly probably blaming each other for why I was losing my focus, but the truth is, I wasn't losing focus. I was losing them, and the feeling wasn't good at all. It was gut-wrenching to know that your parents no longer have any affection or fondness for the other and they were just together out of an obligation which is you.

Tired of hearing them, I laid on my bed and covered my ears with a pillow hoping the voices would vanish away. And as the pitch got louder, my guilt intensified too until I couldn't take it anymore.

So, I got up, grabbed a sticky note from my drawer and wrote a few words and then pasted that note inside the wardrobe door where several other notes written by me stuck.

Once done pasting it, I read it repeatedly until the words engraved on my brain for life. 

"Never be a shitty man like HIM."