Who are you?

Pt7

Taking the elevator up to your apartment and sliding his spare key into the locking mechanism of your front door was like muscle memory that would forever be engraved into Jaebum's mind, as he pushed the door open to your apartment, letting himself into the place you called home.
As he gently let the door click behind him, he looked to his surroundings after flicking the light switch on, seeing the place that was once so welcoming, warm and inviting staring back at him as if it were a ghost town - or a house that someone used to live in before they died. Jaebum couldn't help but think like that now, especially because it felt like he was already dead to you, seeing as you couldn't even remember his face, let alone his name. Jaebum felt his emotions catch him right in the middle of his chest as he knew he couldn't let these types of thoughts fill the space where he needed to be positive in the hopes you would somehow, hopefully, recall the good memories both of you once shared.
"The boys did a good job here anyway" he said to no one but the four walls around him as he walked through the main room of your apartment, thinking back to how all 6 of them informed him that they would make sure to keep your apartment well kept and clean - to which they honoured their word; mostly making sure that an inch of dust didn't habituate itself where it wasn't welcome, and throwing away any perishable food from your fridge or cupboards to stop foul smells from filling the air within. It was strange for Jaebum, seeing your home look so freakishly tidy. Usually, he would have seen a few pairs of your shoes at the front door, your coat hanging over one of the chairs or blankets piled up on the sofa for when you and he would have made yourselves warmly cosy, nestled in each other's arms while watching a movie together. Regardless, he was most thankful to JYP for helping him out with paying for the rent and other mod-cons that came with your apartment on a monthly basis - "I don't want her to have to worry about rent or anything else, I want to sort it all out for her" were Jaebum's words as he feared the electric or water would get shut off in your absence.
Walking along the hallway to make his way into your bedroom, Jaebum began taking some of the pictures off that hung on the wall - pleasured moments frozen in time by your camera of the both of you. He observed each and every one with more detail than before - your face when you kissed him, the softness of your cheeks and lips on his skin and your smile in others while you looked at him adoringly. Jaebum knew that these moments were shared long before his betrayal; the look on your face that was completely unaware of how low his future self would sink striking Jaebum like a cold, steel blade in the centre of his stomach. However, he figuratively shook himself - holding the frames under his arm as he entered your bedroom, being met by your lonely bed that had been vacant for 6 months - the image of the bed sheets and pillows being exactly how Jaebum had remembered the night he left to go and meet Mia; the same night that you would then almost lose your life.
"I'm going out to the gym, dunno when I'll be back but I'll text you on my way home. Love you" he recalled telling you, dressed in sweatpants and an old shirt but taking his fancy clothes with him in his gym bag in preparation to meet Mia. He thought back to the look on your face as he kissed you on your cheek and squeezed your shoulders gently - was it a look of love? Of distrust? He couldn't remember, no matter how hard he thought about it.
"I love you too, Jaebum. I really do." You replied to him upon watching him walk out the door, knowing full well that he wasn't going to the gym - but Jaebum was none the wiser then, and now; as he sat the picture frames on your vanity desk in your room, before opening your closet to be met by all of your clothes, shoes, hats and scarves that hung there. He couldn't deny that he almost felt like a widower, sorting through his dead spouses clothes while grieving for her loss as he ran his fingers over the different fabrics and textures of your wardrobe, before kneeling down and reaching deep into the closet to where he knew you kept a large box filled with happy memories to look back at on rainy days.
"There you are" he mumbled, pulling the box out as he sat down on the floor with his legs crossed, opening the top before rummaging through each and every photo, trinket, note, small toy and random items from different places he took you that you kept. Jaebum didn't know what would be the best to take or leave, deciding that bringing the whole box wouldn't be a bad idea either. Before closing the box back up again, he happened to come across the most recent Polaroid he took of the both of you - possibly even being a mere week before your accident. As he looked at it, he saw his usual smile he wore whenever he was with you - but something about your disposition made him feel even more uneasy and guilty than usual. "Is there any way she could have known?" he thought, wondering if he had ever left his phone unlocked around you - knowing that you probably wouldn't have followed him because it wasn't like you to not address something directly.
"Shit, I left my phone at the dorm" he said out loud, but knowing that no one would be able to get into his messages anyway seeing as he had a pass-code, and the fact he hid it behind the toaster. Jaebum took a deep breath in as he stood up with the heavy box, sitting it in front of the door that led back to the hallway before placing the picture frames on top of it.
"I'll bring some of her make-up and moisturisers too...familiar items, familiar smells" he muttered to himself as he opened your vanity drawer, pulling out your makeup bag and the scented peach and strawberries cream you always lathered on your skin after your shower every night - a smell he always associated with you as he popped the lid, taking in it's comforting aroma before squeezing a little out on to his hand and rubbing it into his arm, making him feel like you were really there with him in that moment.
As he began to pack up, he also took some of your clothes he knew you loved to wear - especially the ones he bought you as random little gifts; also making sure to take some of your underwear as he was sure that maybe you had gotten sick of the plain, boring hospital provided ones by now.
Jaebum just about had everything ready to leave as he sat down on your bed, looking at his watch to see that he had spent the best part of 3 hours sorting through all of your things. As he stared off into space, he noticed your iPod sitting on your bedside cabinet. "I'll charge this up and bring this too, she must miss listening to music..." he thought, knowing that you used to never be able to go a day without listening to it - always asking him to sing for you or the both of you making up silly songs together. Jaebum smiled as he thought back to the many songs you both composed - the sound of your voice harmonising with his being something he held close to his heart.
"Why did you do it, Jaebum?" he finally asked himself the million dollar question as he felt his heart sink once again. Without thinking, Jaebum laid down, resting his face against your pillow on your side of the bed, smelling your scent still very strong on the pillowcase as if you had just been laying there moments ago. He pulled his body up into the foetal position, letting his hands slip underneath the pillow before feeling something there. He furrowed his brows a little, pulling out one of his oversized shirts that he knew you loved to wear to bed as he let a small sigh fall from his lips. He brought the soft material right up to his nose, taking in your natural scent still very prominent on his shirt - making him feel like you were right in front of him as if he were cuddling you from behind in bed.
"Why did you do it, Jaebum? Why were you such an idiot? What for?" he asked himself again, only this time he couldn't stop the tears from streaming down his face and landing on your pillow as he began harshly sobbing for the first time since finally being able to be on his own. He knew he had no right to grieve, but he grieved anyway. Not because of the fact you couldn't remember him, but because he was so stupid to commit such blameworthy offences to you, who didn't deserve any type of ill-treatment at all. Being in your empty apartment by himself just brought everything crashing down on top of him all at once as he recalled the moments both of you would have shared, the distant memory of your laughter and smiling echoing throughout his mind; torturing him. He felt like he couldn't breathe, he felt like he couldn't live without you as he let out a blood-curdling cry, his face red and his cheeks wet from the rivers of tears streaming down them; his cries now turning into silent gasps for air while he continued to clutch on to one of the very last things he knew that you probably used before going out that night - where you went, he didn't know.
"Do I tell her everything I did if she remembers me? Would it make things worse? What do I do? What should I do?" Jaebum lamented, knowing that in times of indecisiveness, you were always there to help him clear his mind and make the right decision...but he didn't have you now. The only person he had was him - making him feel truly alone and desolate. For now that he had no one to turn to; he was forced to turn to himself.
That night, for the first time in his life; Jaebum rocked himself back and forward in your bed as he cried himself to sleep with all the thoughts of his actions playing over and over again in his mind - while you, in your hospital bed, found yourself doing the same thing, crying over a stranger you couldn't remember; for what reason? You didn't know.