Who are you?

Pt14

"Who are you?"
"What happened to us?"
You were no closer to answering these questions that plagued your mind in the three days that led up to your discharge from the hospital. After informing Jackson and the other boys - with Jinyoung relaying the message to Jaebum, that you would be going home; you still found it hard to be truly happy to be let out of hospital. When you first awoke from your coma, the question you asked Jaebum, "Who are you?" seemed to have a deeper meaning than you had previously thought.
"Do I know who he is anymore?" you asked yourself over and over, recalling how well your memory served you of the good times you both shared. Yet, the emotional distress of his betrayal left you questioning the type of person he was. As Jackson had told you, Jaebum never left your bedside the entire time you were sleeping. He didn't eat very much, he hardly got any sleep. Essentially, he completely alienated himself from the world to be by your side. "Does that really count as redemption?" you pondered with a rational thinking hat on. You knew that you would have to come face to face with Jaebum again, regardless of whether you could forgive him or not. But ultimately, that's what you found most terrifying. The scariest thing about hating someone you love, was that no matter how much you loathed Jaebum, no matter how much you wished to never see his face again...you still couldn't let go of the fact that you knew he was the only person you wanted to be with. Yet, his cheating was the reason you followed him to the bar in the first place. If you had never been at the bar - maybe you would have never been involved in the most serious accident of your life.
"But what if I can't let go of the fact that he cheated on me? What if I can forgive him, but end up living in a constant state of paranoia that he'll do it again?"
"Make sure you lock the door when you're done, Jackson!" the gym owner called out as he exited the building - most likely on his way home to his wife and children after a long day of work.
"Will do!" Jackson shouted back at him through the door while tightening his hand wraps in preparation for laying into the harmless punching bag a few inches to his left. The gym always proved to be a great source of entertainment for Jackson, but these days it was more of a therapeutic way to let out his pent up stress and frustration - ninety percent of which had been caused by Jaebum.
Jackson raised his hands to his face defensively, giving a long, hard stare at the punching bag before administering a quick preparatory swing to its left flank. "You really don't deserve her, Jaebum" he found himself thinking as he hit the bag again. "How could you be so stupid?" he punched the bag a third time. "You had all the happiness in the world, yet it wasn't enough for you" Jackson clenched his teeth together, alternating both of his fists at a rapid fire rate right into the inanimate object before him.
Before long, Jackson's entire body was dripping in sweat - his black tank top completely soaked through as beads of perspiration trickled down his biceps. His chest; now rising and falling to accommodate his laboured breathing, as he continued to violently exorcise his negative emotions in a controlled way. As he continued to pummel the bag with his hair now sticking to his forehead, he couldn't help but let small tears form in his eyes, hating himself for always being such the kind, caring and gentle person he could never get away from. No matter how hard Jackson had tried, he could never be anything less than fair or considerate. He knew it wasn't in his nature to be spiteful or hateful...yet he always seemed to be the one left with nothing, when everything was said and done.
With one final swing to the bag, Jackson circled his arms around it - embracing the tightness of the vinyl finish of its leathery material as he pressed his forehead against it. "I just want (Y/N) to be happy..." the thought of you always calming him as you filled him with such serenity - enough to silence the war within his mind. He knew that without a shadow of a doubt that he was stupidly in love with you, completely smitten to the point of insanity; but he would never force his feelings upon you unless he knew they would be welcomed with open arms.
Just as you had feared Jaebum's infidelity, Jackson feared losing your friendship over anything else.
On the night before you were due to be discharged, Jaebum - like he had been doing so when he wasn't at the hospital - found himself in your apartment. After running hot water into your bath, he shed his clothes to the floor and submerged his body, bringing his legs up to his chest as he sat all alone - almost vulnerable, in your empty apartment.
"You deserve all of this. You have no one else to blame. You did this to yourself" he thought as deafening silence roared throughout the room, only being broken every so often by the sound of small water droplets falling from the faucet into his bathwater. "Who are you, Jaebum?" he asked himself, wondering how on earth he could do something so hurtful to the only woman he had ever loved. The only woman who had ever accepted all of his flaws and vices, the only woman who loved him with every beat of her heart was now in pain - and it was all because he was weak.
In the beginning, Jaebum had met Mia a few hours after the both of you had a semi-pointless argument. He recalled you getting slightly pissed off at him for small things - as he had gotten annoyed at you for small things in turn. At the time, he knew it was nothing serious, just mundane 'couple' spats that all lovers go through from time to time. "Was it just bad timing? Or am I truly a monster?" he lamented, not able to cry due to his tear ducts being unable to produce any more rivers of sadness. Instead, all Jaebum could do was sit and feel nothing but complete emptiness. He knew that, given half the chance, he would spend the rest of his life trying to make it up to. He knew that he would have to spend a very long time convincing you that he was true, that he loved you - and only you. Most people would probably just give up in the end, but your accident had woken Jaebum up to a violently turbulent reality; that a life without you wouldn't be worth living for him. Of course, he would have his friends, his music and his family to keep him going. But you were his partner, the one person who understood him more than anyone else in the world.
"And I let her down. I betrayed her...and I betrayed myself, too."
Your hospital room had been filled with laughs, jokes and pleasant conversation ever since the doctor had gotten you to sign your release forms. All of the boys, minus Jaebum, were at your side - ready to escort you home. When they first walked in, you found your eyes lingering on Jinyoung, knowing that he knew every little detail of what was truly happening. However, whenever he caught your glance, he returned a reassuring smile. One that said "I know - it's okay. You have nothing to worry about" and it put you at ease.
The rest of the boys had wondered why on earth Jaebum wasn't present to witness your freedom. Even on the small journey to the hospital, they had began asking questions - to which Jinyoung spoke up and replied "Jaebum went back to his hometown to pick up his parents, they're all going to visit (Y/N) later on after we leave her apartment. Family time, y'know?" which was believable enough to most of them. However, Mark still had his doubts ever since the confrontation between Jabeum and Jackson. That, and the fact you hurt your hand from 'falling out of bed' which didn't sit right with him - yet he decided that it would be best to let sleeping dogs lie.
"Sooooo! How does it feel to be finally free of this place?!" Youngjae put his hands on his hips across from your seated position on the chair, while BamBam helped to slip your converse on your feet, seeing as your hand was still wrapped in a support bandage. It felt odd to you - actually wearing proper clothes for the first time in what felt like an eternity. You had almost forgotten how it felt to wear jeans and shoes instead of living in pyjamas.
"Uh - good! I'll be glad to get home and sleep in my bed again" you forced a smile at Youngjae, your words only half true. You did miss your bed, but it would forever remind you of the person who had been sharing it with you for the last 2 years of your life.
"No way, you're not ever allowed to sleep again. You were out cold for 6 months! You can't be tired yet~" Yugyeom giggled as he placed his hand on top of your head. Everyone - including you, laughed at his terrible joke.
"They say if you live to be 75 years old, on average - you spend 25 of those years sleeping" Mark spoke up after placing the last of your belongings inside a small carry-case. "If that's true, (Y/N) just broke a record in terms of being boring and ordinary" he chuckled, flashing you a side-glance as he wheeled the case up beside the door, ready to be taken down to the van to transport you all to your apartment.
"Well I've always said that (Y/N) is extraordinary!" you heard Jackson's cheesy words as he stood behind you, placing his hands on your shoulders and looking down into your face from above.
"...but you've never said that hyung -" BamBam began, only to have Jackson's elbow dig in sharply to his ribs that caused everyone in the room to erupt in small fits of giggles.
"Alright, let's carry all the stuff down to the van and get this show on the road. You ready, (Y/N)?" Jinyoung turned to face you after his instructions to the others as they scurried about trying to help in any way they could. It definitely warmed your heart to see how excited and genuinely happy they all were to see you get out of hospital and finally bring you home...but there was of course one thing that always extinguished any flame of happiness that filled you.
"I'm ready~ I'll be down in a second. I just wanna take one final look around the room in case I forgot anything" you smiled to Jinyoung in turn, seeing him nod his head at you, and then at Jackson who was still standing behind you. You watched as the five boys left the room - their chatter slowly fading down the hallway as you let out a worry-filled sigh, your emotions almost getting the better of you once again.
Jackson knew what you were feeling, and he knew the reason why - or rather, the person behind those reasons. Taking a deep breath, he moved into your field of vision, getting down on to his haunches and resting his hands on your knees to balance himself.
"You want to talk to me about it? Before we go? We still have some time..." Jackson murmured softly into your face, seeing it ridden with nothing less than pure anxiety while being mixed with doubt, and the fear of the unknown.
Heaving a huge sigh, you looked back into Jackson's eyes, seeing him smile his usual, caring grin that always seemed to brighten up your day. "Last night...I sat for a few hours trying to text Jaebum to tell him that I wanted to speak to him this evening" you paused, seeing no change in Jackson's expression as he continued to listen to you, "But I just couldn't figure out what to say to him. I don't know whether to be mad...amicable...nice? I don't fucking know" you threw your hands down into your lap out of pure frustration.
"You want to tell him that you want to talk to him and sort this mess out, like adults...right?" he asked calmly, seeing you nod in response with your eyes on your fingers. "And you'll probably want to tell him to arrive at a certain time...maybe 7pm? After me and the boys leave?" Jackson asked again - inadvertently giving you advice and offering you the words you couldn't think of yourself.
"Yeah...do you think that would be okay?" you asked, a certain timidness to your voice that made Jackson grip your knees a little tighter for reassurance. "I think it's more than okay. Why don't you text him now? Before we get in the van~" he suggested, but it was more of a precaution in the end as he knew Jaebum was probably still at your apartment. Having you arrive there to see him wallowing in self-pity was something you didn't need to witness - nor the rest of them for that matter.
"Okay" you replied quickly, taking out your phone to type a message to Jaebum. As you carefully thought of what to say and how to say it, Jackson looked down at your trembling fingers - wondering if the trembling was spurred on by anger or sadness, before thinking "Probably a mix of both".
Within minutes, your phone vibrated in your hands - making you jump ever-so-slightly before looking down to see a reply from Jaebum.

You didn't know why, but your heart was racing. Was it because it was him replying to you? Or was it because you were terrified of what you would hear in response to your questions you had planned to ask him later on that evening? Either way, you felt some of the weight on your shoulders drop. You knew that breaking the ice would be the easy part in terms of actually speaking to Jaebum and trying to figure this whole mess out. But, you were glad you had Jackson by your side to support you, no matter what the outcome would be.
Jackson knew from the way he replied to you that Jaebum was thankful for the chance you had just given him. Jaebum wasn't the type to be overly cheesy or serious when it came to most things - so when he was, it was important to him. "Even after all you've done, at least now you're trying. And I can't deny that" he thought, before helping you to your feet and giving you a delicate smile. No words about the text needed to be exchanged between you and Jackson, much to your relief.
"Now, are you sure you don't want me to get you a wheel chair? I can carry you if you want - I don't mind, I -"
"Jackson!" you hushed him, chuckling lightly as he fussed over you as always, "I already said earlier, I'm fine! Just...let me hold on to your arm in case I'm a bit wobbly when I breathe in fresh air" you joked, both of you laughing as Jackson offered you his arm for you to link yours with. It was moments like this that you were truly thankful for Jackson's angelic presence in your life. Even when it felt like were drowning in the deepest of waters, he was always there to keep you afloat - even if it was just him making a joke to make you smile or laugh.
"Right this way, madam" Jackson put on his terrible, infamous British accent while holding his nose to the air and puffing his chest out. You shook your head and giggled at him, linking your arm in his as you took one final look around the room - embedding it in your memory for the rest of your life.
"Bye-bye hospital room!" you smiled, feeling much better now that you got the text out of the way and having your best friend at your side. Jackson grinned from ear to ear at your sudden display of happiness - how cute you sounded and looked as you waved goodbye to your home for the past 7 months or so.
"Who allowed you to be so adorable? You put me to shame, honestly..." Jackson donned a false tone of pity as he walked slowly with you down the hallway, both of you waving goodbye to the familiar faces of each nurse as they all bowed their heads slightly at you in return.
"No one is more adorable than you, Wang Puppy~" you reached up to pinch his cheeks. At your touch, Jackson melted with happiness - but he couldn't deny the slight hint of bitterness he felt at your words too. He knew that tonight, you would either cut your ties with Jaebum so that you could both move on in your lives; or you would do what he feared the most.
But he knew that either way, he would always be there for you. No matter what you chose to do, he would honour his promise, and remain by your side - friend or lover, it didn't matter to him now.