Who are you?

Pt15

Finally returning to your apartment felt strange, yet you were filled with a certain element of comfort mixed with nostalgia as you took in the familiar surroundings. You had been living in this apartment for the best part of your adult life since you moved away from your family many years ago. However, you couldn't help but associate it with Jaebum - having made so many memories with him in every room; good and bad ones.
The few hours spent with the six boys felt like it passed in the blink of an eye. As you all sat in your living room area with Jackson insisting on spoon-feeding you like a child, it really felt like no time had passed at all since you all got to hang out together in your apartment. They filled you in on how each of them took turns in coming round to your place during your time in the hospital to stop thick layers of dust forming on your belongings, how Jinyoung had called in a favour with one of this older buddies to store your car in a garage, and how Jaebum had apparently been spending most of his recent nights in your apartment too. Jackson and Jinyoung couldn't stop the others from speaking about Jaebum, and you knew they were ignorant to what was really going on. You didn't blame them at all, but hearing his name just further instilled the hurt, rage and sadness that filled your heart with every beat it produced.
When it was time for the boys to head home, you stood up to give each and every one of them the biggest hugs you had ever given - thanking them all for being nothing short of complete angels for everything they had done for you. Yugyeom and BamBam ended up getting slightly teary-eyed at your heart-felt words towards them, but it just further confirmed to them all how important you were to them; Jackson, especially.
"Are you sure you don't want me to hang around until...he leaves? I could stay in the spare room and keep quiet. Just in case, you know?" Jackson asked after the others had left the apartment - lingering halfway between your front door and the hallway outside that led towards the buildings elevators and stairwell. Even in that moment, Jackson didn't want to leave your side. He knew that you were strong, but he feared that it would all become too much for you. Part of him knew that he didn't want to leave you alone and vulnerable in the presence of Jaebum, but the other part of him knew what your answer already was from the look you gave him as you smiled back into his face.
"Jacks~ It's fine, honestly. I think it would be better if...if it's just me and Jaebum. It's our mess, and we need to sort it out ourselves. I really appreciate everything you've done for me...but this is something I have to face by myself" you put your healthy hand on his shoulder, giving him a loving squeeze. Your bravery was admirable to him. Jackson always loved that you were the type of girl that insisted on fighting her demons by herself, and that you didn't need anyone to shield you from the blows that came with life. Yet, the ache in his chest caused him to want to try and cling on to you for as long as possible.
"Okay - but when he leaves, make sure you text me, okay?" he mumbled, pulling you into his chest as he circled his arms around your waist - feeling you return his heartfelt affections by snaking your arms over his shoulders and burying your face in the crook of his neck. "I know you'll be okay...but I'm just, worried about you. That's all"
"I know you are" you whispered back, before giving him several pats to initiate breaking the embrace. "Thank you Jackson. I...I don't know how I could have done any of this without you. Waking up from the coma...being in hospital...and now this. I've been able to endure it because of you. Please, never forget that" you looked him straight in the eyes as you felt the dreaded anxiety fill your stomach. You looked to the clock on the wall, knowing that there was only ten minutes to wait before Jaebum was due to arrive.
"I'll get going then. Text me later, remember? Don't forget" Jackson forced a smile for you as he stepped out of your apartment.
"I will~ Tell Mark to drive safe. Talk later" you replied with a heavy heart, before closing the door while both you and Jackson waved sorry goodbyes to each other. Jackson filled his lungs to their maximum capacity, knowing that he better make tracks before Jaebum showed up. He knew that you didn't need that kind of confrontation - especially not now. As he exhaled and began quickly walking towards the stairwell, taking the stairs down two at a time, he knew that tonight you would make the decision to either forgive Jaebum and take him back; or go your own way.
"Whatever she decides, I just want her to be happy. She deserves to be happy..." he thought, before saying out loud to no one, "But, don't I deserve to be happy, too?"
Each second seemed like four hours in the ten minutes you waited for Jaebum to arrive. You felt antsy, walking around with your fingers drumming your chin. You began pointlessly moving things about and tidying up the non-existent mess in your kitchen due to Jinyoung and Mark having already done everything for you. You didn't even have a clear plan of action in terms of what you wanted to actually say to him, but you were determined to get to the root of why he had chosen to hurt you so badly. You knew that you would probably end up in tears - most likely breaking down in front of him as you were never good at holding back strong emotions. But it was something you were willing to do to try and understand why the person who claimed to love you so much, betrayed you in the worst way possible.
Bang on 7pm, you heard a knock at the door.
"Fuck" you thought, looking over to the door from your seated position on the sofa as you muted the television. "Doesn't he have a key? Why is he knocking?" you stood to your feet, your heartbeat roaring in your ears as your breathing came out hard and heavy. Swallowing back your anxiety, you walked over to the door, not knowing what emotion would rise from within you as soon as you saw his face. Confidently, you opened the door to be met by a rather nervous looking, dishevelled Jaebum - his eyes immediately rising from the ground to meet yours.
And all you could feel, was rage.
Jaebum swallowed hard, not knowing whether to say 'hello' or 'hi' in fear of upsetting you again.
"Lost your key?" you asked, your voice thick with sarcasm.
"I...I didn't think it was appropriate for me to come barging in. I thought...it would be better to knock first" his voice was as deep as it always was, but you could hear it quivering ever-so-slightly.
"If you're coming in, shut the door behind you" you spun around on your heel as you left him standing all alone in the doorway. Jaebum followed your movements with his eyes, watching you as you padded in your bare feet over to the sofa before sitting down on the end closest to him.
"You're letting all the heat out of my apartment" you spoke up in a flat tone, not looking over at him as you found yourself being filled with not only rage, but pain as well. Not physical pain that could be cured with two simple painkillers, but a deep emotional pain that would require either time or cold revenge to heal.
Upon hearing your more than snippy tone, Jaebum moved quickly through the doorway, gently closing the door as he stepped in before removing his shoes and placing them where he would have always placed them - right beside yours. After straightening up, he looked over towards you, not knowing whether to stay where he was or join you in the living room.
"You can sit on the chair" you motioned with a flick of your finger to the empty, plush seat placed diagonally from you on the sofa. Jaebum followed your instruction, quietly walking with his head down before sitting down politely where you had given him permission to. Usually, when it was just the both of you in your living room, the two of you would be curled up together on the sofa - as comfortable as ever. But there was nothing comfortable about the situation you currently found yourself in.
Jaebum finally lifted his head to try and meet your eyes, but your gaze was fixed on the soundless television instead. You were trying to calm yourself down; needless to say, it wasn't going very well. Jaebum found his stare travelling south to your right hand, still swaddled in a support bandage that made his jaw feel tingly.
"...is your hand okay?" he asked slowly, genuine concern apparent in his voice.
You broke your eye contact with the television to pan over to Jaebum, fire burning in your eyes as you bore into his soul. "I don't know, is your face okay?" you replied in a rather bitchy tone - one that you weren't proud of. You could see the woe painted clearly across his face. Not only that, but you could have sworn you seen hints of pure humiliation and embarrassment; and it only angered you further.
For what seemed like an eternity, neither of you spoke. The only sound that could be heard was the tick-tick-ticking of your wall-clock mixed with the static of your television. Jaebum could feel small beads of sweat forming beneath his dark, messy hair - making him take off his jacket in fear he would pass out from his own body heat. You watched him like a hawk as he revealed his off-white, half-sleeved t-shirt underneath, before folding his jacket carefully and placing it on the arm-rest of the chair.
"I asked you to come here tonight because...I need to know why you did this to me. I need to know...what the fuck was going through your head Jaebum. And I expect you to tell me. The truth - and nothing else" you finally broke the silence, your voice bubbling with distaste as you replayed the scenes of him in the bar with his other woman. Once again, Jaebum swallowed harshly as he nodded, keeping his eyes on his feet.
"Thank you, for letting me come here and talk to you. I know...I know I don't deserve a chance to be listened to, but I'm thankful. And of course - the truth. No more lies, (Y/N)" Jaebum could feel his heart heavily beating in behind the safety of his ribcage. You filled your lungs with air, looking up to the ceiling before exhaling - hoping to keep your shit together to begin interrogating him. It was in that moment, you were thankful for Jackson for telling you so much about what had happened. If Jaebum even said one thing that didn't match up to what Jackson had told you, you knew that it would be completely over, and you would never speak another word to Jaebum for as long as you would live.
"Who is she?"
"Her name is Mia."
"When and where did you first meet her?"
Jaebum hesitated for a moment, choosing his words carefully. "It was the end of February, beginning of March - this year. I don't know if you remember but...I met her on the day that we both had that argument about me not lifting the dirty towels off the bathroom floor."
"I remember. I also recall that was the morning you smashed my perfume bottle because you were in a hurry to go to a photo-shoot" you almost chuckled in the form of spite. Jaebum licked his dry, cracked lips - only now remembering how upset you got over the perfume bottle as it was a gift from your grandmother, when she was still alive.
"So, I take it you met her at the photo-shoot?"
Jaebum nodded, "We met in between sets. She asked me if I wanted to have a coffee with her afterwards"
"And you said yes" your voice dipped.
Jaebum, once again, nodded with his eyes on the floor.
"So, did you fuck her after drinking coffee? Or did you wait until you at least got her surname before you decided to cheat on me?" you asked in the most nonchalant voice ever. Jaebum cringed at the words coming out of your mouth. He didn't think it was possible to hate himself more than he did when he told you he cheated on you back in the hospital. But once again; he was proved severely wrong.
"No, I -"
"Jaebum" you raised your voice menacingly. "If you don't stop looking at the floor like the coward you are, and start looking me in the eyes when you speak to me - I swear to God, we are over. Right now." You warned, your eyes wild and your pupils dilated in frenzy as Jaebum shot his head up to meet your gaze.
"I met up with her again a few days later. That's when we, when we..." he trailed off, unable to utter the words that made him wish he was dead.
"You can't even say it" you let a sharp chuckle pass through your nose, unable to believe the lack of spine he possessed. "Where were you screwing her? In the dorms? In our bed, Jaebum?"
Jaebum let his jaw go slack as he continued to look in your direction. "I never took her here. I never took her to the dorms either. We...I took her to some love hotels."
You let your tongue travel along your teeth, successfully holding yourself back from jumping up and driving your other fist deep into his face. You knew that it was multiple times that he cheated on you, but actually hearing him say it directly hurt even more than the thought itself.
"Do you love her, Jaebum? Do you have feelings for this girl?" you kept your voice as calm as humanely possible while stiffening your entire body in preparation for his answer - which came a split second after the question left your mouth.
"No - I swear to you. There were never any feelings involved. It...it was just...sex" his voice dwindled away to a mere whisper as he desperately tried to convey that she meant absolutely nothing to him. "I know that you won't believe me when I tell you this - and you have every right not to because what I did is unforgivable" he paused for a second, seeing you look at him with no emotion present on your face, "(Y/N)...I made the biggest mistake of my life. I'm...I'm an idiot and I know I don't deserve you, but I love you. I have always loved you and I will never love anyone like I love you. Please...I'm begging you. Please, believe me when I say that I love you."
Hearing those words, 'I love you' - usually they made your heart soar with happiness, tenderness and endearment. Jaebum was never the type of boyfriend to repeatedly tell you over and over that he loved you. Even when your relationship was happy and healthy, he never overused those three words - and neither did you. You both held the same viewpoint that those words were powerful ones. And while his loving actions always spoke louder than his loving words, neither of you needed to constantly hear them a million times every single day - like the average couple seemed to do.
"(Y/N), I am so, so sorry...for everything that I've done to you. I know that there's no apology that I could come up with to show you how much I regret what I did. But I am, truly sorry...please..." he inched himself to the edge of his chair, watching you completely lost in your thoughts.
"Please say something (Y/N), anything...please..."
"Have you contacted her since the night of my accident?" you blurted out suddenly.
"No - I switched my phone off the entire time. As soon as you woke up, I went out and bought a new phone and changed my number. I completely cut all ties with her."
You nodded slowly, matching his answers up with Jackson's facts - knowing that Jaebum was telling the truth. "Jackson mentioned you got a new phone" you didn't mean to speak your thoughts out loud, but as you did, you noticed a sarcastic scoff coming from Jaebum - one that irritated you beyond belief.
"Of course he did" Jaebum muttered under his breath.
"Excuse me?" you questioned him defensively, tilting your head to the side in both shock and confusion.
"Of course Jackson was telling you everything. He's loving this - finally getting what he wants" Jaebum looked around the room in distress, feeling his emotions crush him from the inside out at the thought of Jackson successfully replacing him in your life.
"What the fuck are you talking about? He's loving this? What do you mean he's finally getting what he wants?" you spat your words out angrily, knowing in your heart that Jackson would rather trade places with you than to see you so upset and heartbroken.
"He's in love with you (Y/N) - can't you see that?!" Jaebum's voice was raised, filled with anger and bitterness. "He's loving every second of this because he can finally replace me. I fucked up, and now he's playing the damn saviour!"
You wanted nothing more than to pick Jaebum up and fire him out the window without even opening it first. You felt the flames of rage pass through your entire existence as you stared; completely dumfounded back into Jaebum's distressed face. "You're actually fucking insane Jaebum. No - literally. You must be fucking mental. I seriously cannot believe you right now!" you shouted at him, your voice almost turning hoarse in the process.
"Even if Jackson was in love with me - it wouldn't matter! Do you know why, Jaebum? Because I'm your girlfriend! If someone - even Jackson - made advances on me, I would tell him no, because I'm with you!" Jaebum felt waves of torture roll upon him as you continued screaming at him - your face quickly burning up.
"But I guess that's where you and I differ. If someone gives me attention when I'm having problems in my relationship - I don't just hop on their dick and forget about the person I care about. You seemed to have no problem having sex with ANOTHER WOMAN when you were supposed to be with me!" your screaming now turning into cries of pure hurt and betrayal - piercing Jaebum's heart like a hot poker as tears rolled down your face.
"And you know what the fucked up thing is?" you took a breath in between sobs, "If it wasn't for Jackson, we wouldn't even be having this talk right now" you looked at his shocked face through your tears.
"That's right Jaebum! I was so ready to just never speak to you again. I wasn't even going to give you the time of day to try and beg me for another chance...but Jackson sat with me for hours singing your fucking praises about how you never left my side - how you seemed truly sorry for what you did...and you talk about him like that? What kind of friend does that? Who are you, Jaebum?!" - both of you stared in complete horror at the question that just came out of your mouth.
Jaebum felt like he had just been walloped in the chest by something hard and unforgiving. This whole time, he was under the impression that Jackson would have taken this opportunity to steal you away from him...when in reality, he was selflessly trying to make you not rush to any decisions. "I'm so sorry, Jackson..."
"I can't - I just can't believe you Jaebum. I can't believe that you would do this to me. I can't believe that because of you...I almost died. I could have died that night when you were buried balls deep inside some girl...and for what reason? What reason did you have? Huh?!" you egged him on, not even caring if your neighbours were to hear your grieving cries and cussing.
Your words killed every single part of Jaebum that was still left alive. He knew that you were only on that street because you had followed him there - and he knew that you could have very easily died. You were lucky that the hospital was so close, and he knew that you were lucky to have woken up from your coma and to have escaped with only minor injuries and bruises. As he continued to open and close his mouth in an attempt to answer you, he couldn't hold back his emotions any longer.
"I don't know why I did it (Y/N) - fuck, I just...we had that fight and I was so angry over stupid shit and I was so stressed with the group and I just...I don't fucking know. I wanted it to stop but I was just too weak and stupid and I just kept letting it happen and I knew that if you found out, you would never forgive me I - I just can't - I don't know (Y/N) - fuck­ I'm so sorry" his tears joined yours in the atmosphere as he broke down before you. You watched him through blurry eyes as his voice caught itself in his throat, choking and spluttering all over himself as you just sat motionless. You felt the sadness, the rage, the hurt, the betrayal... but you felt an overwhelming mix of pity and emptiness seeing him so vulnerable. You knew he was never the type to cry. Not once in the two years that you had been with him had you ever seen him genuinely cry tears of pure grief and woe.
Jaebum began rubbing his eyes with his fists, trying his best to compose himself. You sniffled through your nose, having one more question lined up to ask him - one that you had been itching to ask ever since you recovered your memories and found out the truth.
"You said you wanted it to stop..." you gazed around the room, thinking of how to word your question as your voice demanded Jaebum's full and undivided attention. "...but there's just something that I've been dying to know" you purposefully spoke the words to match your stare on him as your eyes caught his once again.
"If I hadn't been in the accident...if I hadn't of almost died because of you...would you have stopped? Would you still be sleeping with her behind my back? Letting me live in complete ignorance?" you dreaded his answer, but you mustered up any and all courage to hear how genuine he would be as he answered you. As you watched him look back at you through his red, puffy eyes; Jaebum swallowed his cries and flattened his hands on his knees - never breaking eye contact with you as he began to speak.
"(Y/N)...I told you I wouldn't lie to you. And I won't sit here and tell you that I may or may not have stopped or continued because...I just don't know. But - I'll tell you what I do know" he paused. You watched him in grief-stricken awe as he dropped to his knees from the chair, crawling over to you like a wounded animal before sitting at your feet, looking straight up into your eyes with his large, pitiful black orbs that you had once loved so intensely.
"I know that I would do anything to turn back time. I would do anything to get a second chance - to walk away from her...to never meet her. I would rather it have been me in that accident; I would rather die than to ever hurt you because" he couldn't stop his tears from forming again as he put his hands gently on your knees, gripping the fabric of your jeans as you let tears roll down your cheeks - just watching him.
"Because seeing you in that hospital bed...seeing you lying there so motionless and knowing that you could have died...knowing that you may have never woken up...I wanted to die instead. It gave me the biggest wakeup call because I didn't know what I had until it almost left me alone in this world" he buried his face in your lap, sobbing so viciously as his shoulders jumped up and down along with the rest of his body, every time he heaved.
"I am begging you (Y/N), please don't leave me. I can't - I can't do any of this without you! I was so, so stupid and I'm still so stupid and you're the only person I want and I would do anything for a second chance...oh god... please (Y/N)...I love you so much and I'm so sorry...I -" he cut his own sentence off by coughing into the fabric of your jeans - not having any more breath left in his lungs to continue begging and pleading. You could see the tips of his ears which were ruby red. You could feel his tears soaking through to your skin. You could feel his grip on you as if he were holding on to you for dear life. You couldn't help but think how childlike and vulnerable he looked - a man with nothing left, begging to be given a second chance.
"Can I forgive you, Jaebum? Can I really forgive what you did to me?" you questioned yourself, still crying bucket-loads of tears and listening to Jaebum's continued sobs into your thighs while hearing him repeat the words 'Please, please, please' over and over again.
All Jaebum could see was complete darkness. He didn't dare raise his head, he didn't dare open his eyes in fear of you telling him to leave. You had both been through the five stages of grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression; and now, acceptance. Jaebum had fully accepted his wrongdoings, and he had fully accepted that you may never forgive him for what he had done. But what he couldn't accept was a life without you present in it - knowing that he would spend the remainder of his days trying to gain your trust back, accepting that he may never be granted that privilege ever again.
You raised your left hand slowly, your fingers trembling mid-air as you continued looking at him below you. You had accepted the fact he cheated on you, you accepted the fact that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. You even accepted the fact that he was truly, genuinely sorry for what he had done. But you weren't sure if you accepted the idea of truly forgiving him.
It was then, Jaebum felt your hand on top of his head. For a moment, he thought that you were about to push him off you and tell him to get out and to never come back. But to his surprise - as if the gods were answering his prayers...you began gently caressing him, stroking your fingers through his unkempt, scruffy hair.
"I don't know if I can forgive you Jaebum" you whispered, silence filling the room as Jaebum ceased his cries, still holding on to your thighs as you continued to rest your hand on top of his head - a sign of endearment, a sign of peace. "If you can prove to me you can earn my trust back...then maybe...MAYBE I might be able to forgive you...but I can't promise you that will happen." Your voice was soft, yet sturdy as Jaebum felt his whole body slump even further into you and the ground below him. Maybe you weren't in your right mind, but you had fallen so tragically in love with Jaebum from the very first moment you met him all those years ago. You knew that people would probably call you an idiot for even considering to try and work things through. But you weren't ready to throw away two years of your life in the blink of an eye without at least trying to mend the broken pieces of a relationship that once made both of you so happy.
"That's all I need - I promise you. I won't let you down...ever again...
...I'm so sorry (Y/N).
Jinyoung sat in the dorm living-room, watching Jackson as he incessantly paced back and forth - checking his phone every minute or so and letting large puffs of air free from his lungs.
"If you keep that up, you'll wear down the carpet..." Jinyoung spoke up after an hour or so, catching Jackson's attention as he stopped in his tracks.
"I didn't even realise I was pacing" Jackson thought to himself, placing his hands on his hips and looking up at the time.
"It's 2:04am...she should have messaged me or called by now. What if something happened? What if she needs me? What if -"
"Jackson." Jinyoung raised his voice carefully, just loud enough to stop Jackson from rambling on. "If she needs you, she'll contact you. Don't even think about going over there and barging in. They need this time alone to sort things out....don't you think?"
Jackson agreed with Jinyoung. He knew you both needed to clear the air. He knew that you needed direct answers from Jaebum - for closure if anything else. But he was terrified - terrified of being left in the dark and not knowing how you were feeling. He wanted more than anything to go round to your apartment and check to see if he was still there - or if you were alone and upset. He just wanted to be there for you - no matter what the outcome of this whole mess would be.
Jinyoung sighed, pulling himself to his feet after watching the distress and discomfort roll over Jackson's usually soft features. Without saying anything, Jinyoung pulled Jackson into his chest, placing his hand on the back of his head in an attempt to comfort him. Jackson immediately returned the embrace, desperately needing any kind of human contact to console his worried heart.
"Look, how about we both go to my room and watch a movie, hmm? Help you take your mind off things?" Jinyoung's soft, melodic voice suggested.
"I wouldn't be able to concentrate on a movie right now..." Jackson muttered back at him, both boy's bodies tight against each other as Jinyoung realised Jackson was probably right. They stood in each other's arms for the longest time, before Jinyoung heard Jackson whisper to him softly - the sadness in his voice apparent from the moment he spoke.
"I just...I don't know what to do Jinyoung. I know that (Y/N) loves Jaebum. She fell in love with him first...I know that. He was the first one to meet her that day at JYP building...yet I can't help but think like, what if she met me first? Would things be different?"
Jinyoung took a deep breath, knowing exactly what Jackson was insinuating. "I can't tell you if things would have ended up differently. But - everything in this world happens for a reason. We can't change reality. Sure, we can make choices to change things we witness and experience along the path we walk upon...but we can't change the fate that intertwines us all" he concluded, his voice tender and soft in his friends ear.
Jackson's eyes stung upon hearing Jinyoung's words as he tried to hold back his emotions. "Jinyoung...I - I love her so much. And it hurts" he whispered coarsely.
Jinyoung nodded, rubbing the back of Jackson's head reassuringly, as he felt Jackson grip him tighter in response.
"I know. I know you do." Jinyoung whispered back.