MARAHUYO

M- 25

Psalm 56:3
When I'm afraid, I put my trust in You.

*

After a week of just staying at home, doing nothing, avoiding Aga, not talking to him if not needed, giving him constant fake smiles whenever he initiates talks and cuddles, watching movies she failed to understand the plot, listening to music, scrolling through her phone, ignoring all the tweets no matter how sweet and important they were, distancing herself from her friends, she could say that she is getting a bit better.

There were times that she remembers her baby. There were times where out of nowhere, tears would start escaping from her eyes.

For many times in a week, she felt irresponsible. For many times a week, she blamed herself. She wouldn't lose the baby if only she took good care of herself. For many times in a week, she thought she failed to become a mother.

She sat in front of the her vanity mirror and looked at herself. She wouldn't say she lost weight because she ate a lot due to stress. That's what she always does– stress eating. But in her eyes, the sadness and emptiness could be seen.

She had realized that if she stays like this– miserable, lonely, devastated– she would not make it. She couldn't move forward if she kept on looking back.

She smiled as she remembered that night when surprisingly, Kenneth sent her a message which shook her to the core.

A part of his message contained:

"... clichè as it may seems but everything really happens for a reason. You should not blame yourself or anyone. God wouldn't let this happen kung talagang hindi meant. You might have lost your baby pero do not lose yourself. There are people out there depending on you. And all that matters at the moment is the love you have been receiving. Mapapagod ka sa sarili mo pero hindi mapapagod 'yong mga taong nagma-mahal sa'yo. Get up and live life. Lea, hindi pwedeng kung saan ka nadapa, doon ka na hihinto."

She remembered what her mom told her and Aga a few weeks ago, that children become the foundation of the family. But the moment they lost their baby, it drew a wide border between her and Aga.

She had rejected his invitations whenever he asks her out on a date. She didn't want to share the bed with him. She didn't want to eat breakfast, lunch, or even dinner with him and if she has no choice, she would sit beside Unique, avoiding his gaze. She never initiated a conversation. She didn't want to accept whatever peace offering he gives her.

She is mad. She is still mad.

She wanted to fix everything but she isn't ready yet. She doesn't want to fix a large wound if she couldn't fix even a small scar on herself.

There is a perfect time for everything. But the perfect time for her to make things up with Aga isn't right now.

--

"Saan ka pupunta, ma?" her son asked her as soon as he saw her all dressed-up. She was wearing a red off-shoulder dress which falls just half an inch below her knee. Her scent was all over the living room.

"Your Tita Lani invited me out on a dinner tonight."

"Late dinner?" Joy asked, "It's 9pm already, anak."

She smiled and kissed her mom goodbye first, "I'll text you kapag pauwi na ako. Koi, huwag nang mag-puyat."

"I'm glad that you're going out again pero nagiging night owl ka, ha. Ingat ka. Just keep us updated, okay?"

She nodded and made her way outside. She checked her phone and saw that the grab ride she booked is already near her place to pick her up.

--