But He Loves Me~~{Tyrus} COMPLETED

4

•Cyrus•
"What did I do?! All I want to know is why you're upset!" I cried out, my heart thumping hard against my chest.
"You little fucking slut! You keep talking to that TJ asshole! You deserve to be hurt!" Jonah yelled, slapping me with words.
"Baby, I'm sorry. Just please don't yell. You know I hate yelling." I tried to grab his arm but he pulled away from me.
"Oh, fuck you! How dare you worry about yourself?! You're such a little baby! A whiny, little, crybaby! That's all you'll ever be!" And with those last words, he walked away.

Pain comes in many forms. Whether it be physical pain or emotional pain or just pain that isn't truly there, it's still pain. One word, one phrase could cause so much pain to one individual person. Something so simple as letters and sounds can send someone into a swirling, aching pain that won't leave no matter how hard you try.

Pain is something that you just can't escape. People will hurt you. They will yell at you and tell you that you're not good enough. They will hit you with syllables and send you into an overwhelming amount of hurt in your heart. Although most would never truly want to hurt you, they always do. Then, they blame it on you. They tell you you aren't trying hard enough; you have to try harder to be loved. And, that's okay. Because you know they're right. You deserve the pain.

I didn't realize my feet took my away from where I was until I was sat on a couch in the corner of the Jefferson High library. I spend a lot of time here; I love to read. Well, I loved to read. Before we started dating, I would sit in here and skip classes to just read. None of my teachers ever cared, because I was doing something productive. Jonah cared, though. He said it made him look stupid. So, I stopped reading. I still read things I have to for school, but other than that, I don't read.

Now, this library is just a place that I feel safe. Ms. Roberts, the librarian, has always felt like an older sister to me. Not a mom, she's only 29. We bonded last year over our love of John Greene, I miss reading his stories. Each one would fill me with light. Each word in each sentence in each paragraph on each page would shower me in smiles and hugs, never letting my joy waver.

      "Cyrus? Are you okay, honey?" Ms. Roberts questioned, kneeling in front of my with her hands on my knees. I wiped the tears from my eyes, doing no use as more kept falling.
"I-I'll be okay, Kain. Can I just sulk in here for today? My teachers will understand." I said with a shaky voice. Kaina Roberts stood, ruffling my bushy hair.
"Okay, buddy. Just, let me know if you need anything. I'm here to talk." I nodded, her walking away.

          Sometimes, you just need to shut up. There are times when you shouldn't say anything. You shouldn't speak out of turn. Even when you speak into a room that feels like an empty void, it's still not your turn to speak. Even if you need to scream so loud, only a whisper is allowed to come out. Your lips shouldn't part, unless they are told to do so. Unless they are asked to do so. That's just how life works. That's how we function. At least, that's how I function.

        The quiet calls after me. It tells me that when I'm in it, everything will be okay. No one will cause me pain and I can scream as loud as I want. But, the quiet lies. Nothing will be okay and it does more hurt than anything else. You cannot scream because in order to do that it would no longer be quiet. For there to still be silence, you must be silent. You must not scream, you must not think, you must not even breath. The quiet will hurt you then, it will hurt you when you are silent. Your ears will ring and it will drive you to insanity.

          "Cy?" I looked up, Buffy and Andi standing in front of me. After another failed attempt at wiping away my tears, I decided to speak to them. Hug me. Tell me it's okay, I thought. But, that's not the words that came from my lips.
"G-Go away." I stuttered, my eyes widening at My own speech. Why did I say that?
"Was it Jonah?" Buffy asked. Yes, yes it was.
"It obviously wasn't. Jonah couldn't hurt a fly." Andi retorted, Buffy glaring at her.
"Shut up, Andi. You never know what could happen."
"Leave me alone." I choked out through a small sob.
"I'm not leaving you here. You could.....yah know." Buffy whispered.
"Cut myself? With what? Besides, I haven't done that in a really long time. I wouldn't do that to him." I know when I say him, I mean TJ. They all think I mean Jonah. I want to mean Jonah, but I keep meaning TJ. Why do I keep meaning TJ?
"Maybe we should leave, Buffy?" God, she's so stubborn.
"He's not okay, Andi. We can't just leave him here." I hit my foot to her shin, kicking her ever so lightly as to not hurt her.
"Stop it, Cy. I'm not leaving you." I kicked her harder, causing her look of worry to change into shock. The truth is, I want TJ. I want him to wrap his arms around me and kiss my temple and tell me it'll get better. Why am I such a little whore?
"Why can't you just listen to me? Go away. I'm fine here with Kaina." I whispered, bringing my legs to my chest.
"Ms. Roberts? She's like, twenty-eight. She won't know how to help you."
"And you do? Cause right now, you're just making me even more aggravated." She crossed her arms.
"I'm just trying to help you." Tears slowly trickled down my cheeks, my breathing slow. I'm not going to yell at my best friends, no way.
"You're not doing so good. Could you please leave?" With a huffed sigh, she walked away. I sat there, crying with soft pants of slowed breath. As she left, she spoke again.
"Don't even try. He won't want you there." Buffy spoke.
"Did Jonah do something?" TJ.
"Of course not." Andi.
"Shut up, Andi. I don't know, he wouldn't say. But, we would be able to tell if Jonah was abusive, don't you think?" Buffy spoke up again.
"He's killing Cyrus inside, Buffy! You can't tell me you don't see it!" TJ screamed. Does he really think that? Is that true? Am I just so blind?
"You don't know that. You can't ju-"
"I can. I can assume. I can judge him. I'm allowed to. I know what he does. Whether it be from Cyrus himself, or if I can just see it in his eyes, I know he's hurting him. Probably not physically, but he is. Now, I'm gonna go talk to him. He trusts me." Then there was silence.

        He just doesn't understand. Jonah loves me. He does this all out of love. He just wants me to love him better, and I'm trying; I just don't know what he wants. He doesn't want me to see TJ. That's one thing he's told me. But, TJ is here when Jonah isn't. He worries when Jonah doesn't. He listens when Jonah doesn't. He's just a good friend when Jonah isn't.

     "Hey, Bambi." I felt the cushion sink next to me.
"H-Hi, Baloo." I shifted me eyes to look at him. Please, for the love of god, smile.
"Are you okay?" He gave me a concerned smile, that good enough.
"No, no I'm not." He nodded.
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
I shook my head.
"Do you wanna cuddle so you can calm down?"
I shook my head once more.
"Do you want me to leave?"
Another shake of the head.
"Okay."
      A few moments of silence passed. I felt his Van covered foot tap my thigh causing me to look at him.
"Can I look at your arms?"
      I unwrapped them from myself, pulling up my baby blue sleeves. He studied them before nodding.
    "Do you love him?" The familiar question I had been asked plenty of times.
"Yes." The answer tasted weird in my mouth.
"Okay."

    Jonah loves me.
I love Jonah.
We're happy.

Word Count: 1,438