But He Loves Me~~{Tyrus} COMPLETED

5

•Cyrus•
          I walked through the halls of Jefferson High, Jonah's arm around my waist, keeping me close. Our date was a week ago, but it feels as if all love has been lost since then. He only uses me to show me off and doesn't tell me he loves me anymore. There are rumors going around that we had sex, but we didn't. Not even close. Nothing of the sort.

      "Jonah, I have to get to class." I whispered, hoping to not get yelled at for trying to leave.
"No you don't. You stay here with me until I grant you permission to leave, okay muffin?" I nodded, the name leaving a horrible feeling in my stomach. TJ used to call me muffin.

        When I'm with Jonah, silence is key. When I don't speak, there is no way I can say anything wrong and make him mad at me. There is no way I can make him feel stupid. There is no way I will be hurt. But yet, no matter how hard I attempt to keep it shut, my mouth always opens against my wishes. As the bell rang I felt it happening, I wanted to stop it but I just couldn't.

"JoJo, baby, I really need to go. I'll get in trouble." His grip tightened around my waist, people disappearing from the halls and into their classes.
"Why can't you follow instructions like a good boy? Why can't you just be simple for once and obey me?" He's getting angry. I know he's getting angry. I need to be quiet. Why can't I ever just shut up?
"Why can't you appreciate me?" I mumbled, him stopping our walking. I deserve what ever I'm about get. I didn't stop talking.

           In an instant, Jonah threw my small body into the wall. My head hit the stone with a thud, my eyes filling with tears. He moved closer, grabbing me by my shirt collar. I've never seen him like this. I've never felt this way around him. I've never felt afraid around him.

    "The fuck did you just say?" Tears fell from my eyes as I looked at the boy in front of me. He was no longer who I fell in love with. He had anger and rage in his eyes, not lust and love. He didn't hold me gently, he held me forcefully and painfully.
"Baby, let me go. I'm sorry, just le-" Pain pierced through my cheek from the slap I received.
"You are just my pathetic little play thing, don't think you're something special." I was thrown to the ground, hitting my head again.
"Cyrus!" I heard from down the hall. Buffy Driscoll. Shit.

         Jonah ran away, he feet making a soft noise as he went. Buffy was then kneeling beside me as I laid there, my eyes closed and my head throbbing. I let the tears fall, I deserved this. I talked back. I shouldn't have talked back.

     "Cy? Can you open your eyes and talk to me?" I nodded, slowly opening my eyes and sitting up.
"I deserved it." I whispered, Buffy's eyes widening.
"Cyrus he's abusing you!" I held my head in pain at her loud voice.
"Please be quiet. It hurts." She nodded, taking my hand in hers.
"Do you want me to go get TJ? It's easier for you to talk to him than me." I shook my head. I would've cut her off, I'm just too dizzy to get angry.
"No. Don't tell him either. That was the first time that happened and probably the last. He'll kill Jonah if he finds out." She wore a shocked expression at my words, as if she expected me to say something different.
"Cyrus, your boyfriend hit you. He abused you. You can't tell me you're staying with him." I looked at her, tears still in my eyes.
"It was my fault. He wouldn't have done that if I hadn't spoken back to him. If I didn't disobey him, it wouldn't have happened."
"Disobeyed him? You're not a dog." I shook my head.
"You don't get it Buffy. It's my fault, okay. Just, for the love of god, don't tell TJ. Please." She nodded, keeping hold of my hand.
"I won't. If this happens again though, I want him gone. You need to be happy before you.....before you-"
"Kill myself?" She nodded softly.
"I know you keep saying you won't but I'm worried." I closed my eyes, leaning against the wall.
"I wouldn't do that to you. I wouldn't do that to Andi. I couldn't do that to him." Buffy sighed.
"Cyrus, Jonah doesn't care."
"Not Jonah, TJ. Jonah wouldn't give a rats ass if I was gone tomorrow." My eyes shot open, me slapping my hand over my mouth.
"Cyrus, you aren't happy with him, are you?" I shook my head at the question.
"I'm not...at the moment. I was a week ago, and I can get that back. I just have to behave."

TIME SKIP ~TW: Self Harm~

Remember when I told you about pain? How it comes in many forms? How is could be physical or emotional or really anything that creates a deep hurt? Well, at the moment, I am contemplating physical pain. I am sitting on my bathroom floor, naked, scratching at my thighs. I've been here for about an hour. I showered then didn't feel motivated to do much other than sit down, I didn't even have the energy to get dressed.

I looked at my counter, staring at one of the drawers. That's where James keeps his razors. Maybe just this once? But, TJ would see it. He wouldn't be happy. Yet again, I'm not happy. I stood, looking at myself in the mirror. It was as if life had left me there, only a shell of who I was only a few weeks ago. I haven't seen myself like this in so long. The red, puffy eyes with tears slowly leaving them. Tear stains on my cheeks. My eyes so lifeless that if I didn't move you would believe I was actually dead. This, is my "I want to die" face. This is my giving up face. I haven't seen myself like this in ten months. I hate myself like this.

RING RING RING
TJ.
     "Hello?" I picked up the phone, putting on my fake cheery attitude.
"Hey, I wanted to know if you wanted to hang out tomorrow after school?" He was happy. So, so, very happy. With me here, that will be ruined.
"I...I can't. Jonah wants to do something tomorrow." No he doesn't, but I want to. I want to go right back to him. I want to say I'm sorry.
"Really? That sucks. Lola misses you, she wanted to see you." Lola. With me around, he has no time for the one person he should be with the most. That's why I shouldn't be around.
"Tell her I miss her too." I opened the drawer.
"Okay, will do. So, what are you guys doing tomorrow? Anything cute?" I pulled out one of the extra blades.
"No, we're probably just gonna hang out at my place and watch some movies." I sat back on the ground.
"Oh, cool. So, kind of what we do sometimes?" Should I clean my skin first?
"Yah, sort of. Except he's my boyfriend. You are my best friend." No, it'll be fine.
"Well, I believe that Jonah should be both. But I'm happy to have that role." His voice is so light, he has no idea. He has no idea how hurt I am.
"I...I have to go, Tyler." Why did I use his real name? (I'm pretending that's it. I don't actually know.)
"Why did you real name me? Cy, is everything okay?" The last time I used his real name was when I almost died last year. I cut too deep, bled to fast. But, I wanted that to happen.
"I'm fine. Bye, love you." I hung up the phone, tears falling down my cheeks.

How about, while I do it we count. We count one for each pain Jonah caused me. Each little fraction of a sentence, of a word. Each little fraction of pain that is so pure and so heavy that eventually it crushes you until you can't breath. So, yah, let's count. Shall we?

I pressed the cold blade to the fragile skin on my thigh. Everything I worked up too is now gone.
One
When you called me a slut for the first time
The blade hits my skin again. Blood trickles out of the two wounds, but not a lot.
Two
Making me believe you loved me
Three
Him coming into my life and making you hate me
Four
His smile
Five
His laugh
Six
His hugs and cuddles that you never gave me
Seven
Whore
Eight
Plaything
Nine
Hello, Bambi
Ten
Dumbass
Eleven
Hot
Twelve
Beautiful, just like the person who made
Thirteen
Of course I love you
Fourteen
He threw it at you, he just missed
Fifteen
I love you so much, Bambi

I placed the now bloody blade on the tile next to me. I leaned my head back on the wall, trying not to think about the stinging and the blood. I closed my eyes, careful not to fall asleep.

Jonah doesn't love me
I don't love Jonah
We aren't in love
But, I can fix that

Word Count: 1,576