But He Loves Me~~{Tyrus} COMPLETED

12

TW: This chapter involves touchy subject material including rape, self harm, and attempted suicide. I won't put any other tw except for this because it's the entire chapter. If you're uncomfortable with this, please skip the chapter.

•Cyrus•
         Remember a while back when I spoke about pain? Well, my views are a bit different as of late. I no longer believe in the different types of pain, I only believe that pain is evident in all people. Different types of pain are blurry, they all just combine into one. And that's the pain of the mind. If the mind couldn't feel pain, then neither would the body.

I've been thinking about it a lot lately, and I feel like I'm ready. To leave, is what I mean. Before now, I had attempted five times. Each time I had failed. I got clean, stopped hurting myself. But once I was raped, I decided it wasn't worth it. If everyone else can hurt me, why can't I do it to myself?

       "Hey, hun. How are we feeling today?" My mom asked, standing in my doorway.
"Okay. Why do you ask?" Her hand was placed on her now showing stomach, making me smile slightly.
"Just wondering. My gender appointment is today at six, if you want to go with us." I shook my head, looking down at my phone.
"No, Jonah's coming over to watch movies later." Her face tensed but she nodded.
"Okay, that's fine. You'll call me or James if you need anything, correct?" I looked at her, her eyes softening.
"Correct."

*time skip*

          Jonah pressed me to a wall, starting to push down my pants as I tried to push him off of me. My casted arm was being held above my head, my other one pushing against his chest. Don't let this be happening again.

"Jonah, stop." I whispered, trying not to sound scared. Being scared only makes it worse.
"Why, baby? Don't you wanna enjoy yourself?" My pants fell around my ankles, Jonah's following suit.
"I-I'm not ready. You can understand that, right?" He shook his head, laughing. How can he be laughing?
"Oh come on, let's make a little one on purpose this time." He pushed me to the ground of my room, hovering above me like last time.
"Jonah, no." I tried to push him off, but it was no use.
"Jonah get off." He stripped me completely as I tried to get away. Jonah flipped me around, pulling his clothing off and starting to push himself in.
"Just relax, baby." I reached, but there was nothing to grab.
"Get off of me! No!"

          He pushed his penis into my ass, starting to thrust in and out. I screamed in pain, trying to pull away. Tears fled my eyes as the familiar noises and grunts were heard from the bolder on top of me. I felt weighted, him crushing me until I couldn't breathe.

           At this point, there's no use in trying to escape. The more I struggle, the more it hurts. The only thing I can do right now is hope I don't get pregnant. I know how this goes, I've been through it before. I've told him to stop, but he doesn't. I've told him no, but to him it means yes. There's no escape.

"Oh you feel so good, muffin." He groaned out, the pain coming back in my rectum like before.

Once Jonah finished, he pulled out and got dressed, leaving the house. I stayed put on my floor, having no energy to move. I know it now, I know I want to leave. I know I want to die. It would bring so much relief to everyone.

I painfully stood, pulling on some pink boxers and one of TJ's hoodies. This one is my favorite. It's teal and has a small, brown muffin in the top left corner. He had it made specially, which I love. I stole it a few weeks ago. He stole my matching one that's pink with a basketball in the corner. We own a lot of matching clothes. Jonah calls it childish.

Tears streamed down my face as I took a notebook from my desk, a pen in the other hand. I flipped it open, sitting back down on my floor and pulling a small box from under my bed. This is where I keep my medications. Pulling the bottle out of the box, I opened it and placed all the pills on the floor.

Picking up my pen and flipping open the notebook, I started to write:

Dear Mom,
I'm sorry, but this is how it has to be. I hate leaving you like this, but I have to go now. There are just things that happened that are tormenting my mind. I don't want to explain, nor would I ever be able to without breaking down. At this point, leaving is my only option. So, goodbye. And don't tell the baby about me, I don't want them knowing what a pussy their brother was.

Dear Baloo,
I love you. So fucking much. There are things that you know, and that you understand. Go ahead and tell them, tell everyone. You are the only person that matters to me in this dull world. So I don't care what they think of me. Take care of my girls, okay? And make sure that asshole rots in hell.
Love,
Bambi

This is how it's supposed to to end, huh? Me, on my bedroom floor, a whole bottle of pills in my system. At least I'll leave knowing what my purpose is. My purpose is to show what happens when kids are scared. Or depressed. Or abused. Or raped. This is what happens. We die.

I began to swallow pills, a couple at a time. I did this until I was on the last one, staring at it. This right here is for all the times he hurt me. This is for all the times he said he loved me. This is for all the times he raped me. This is for all the times I felt alone.

This is for him.

Word count: 1,025