But He Loves Me~~{Tyrus} COMPLETED

7

•Cyrus•
         The demons in my mind will not go away. They are trapped there. They are trapped in their existence, even though they want to escape. Kind of like me.

           I haven't spoken to anyone in a while, my voice broken and small. I haven't eaten in a few days, my ribs starting to protrude. The truth is, I don't want to talk to anybody. You see, there's this thing about trauma. It never really goes away. From one moment to the next, one thought to the next, it crosses over your mind like a windshield wiper.

         A hand on a shoulder or a poke in the side is no longer a hand on a shoulder or a poke in the side. It becomes a memory, then a memory becomes a panic attack, then a panic attack becomes my mom touching me. Even if it's my mom, I can feel the hands. I can hear the grunts and the moans. I can feel the hands. I can feel the hands. They rake up and down my body burning me from the inside out. I can feel the pain in my lower half. I can feel the blood mixed with his...with his...never mind.

      "Cyrus, you have to talk to us." I heard from my door. I stayed turned around, facing my wall as I drew small flowers on it.
"Stop pretending you can't hear us. We're your best friends." I know it's Andi and Buffy. I know they're standing in my doorway, waiting for me to turn around and cry in their arms. I know it. And, I want to. But I won't.
"Cy, come on." I could hear Buffy getting closer, but I can't tell her to stop. If I open my mouth, everything will flow right out. I don't want them to know.
"Buffy, leave him alone." Andi said softly, please listen to her.
"Was it Jonah? Did he hurt you again?"
"Again? Jonah never hurt him, he would tell me." I turned to look at them both, tears in my eyes. They haven't gone away for a while really.
"Oh, Cy." Buffy wrapped her arms around me, my chest tightening.

           I squirmed, trying to escape her hold. I scream and she let me go. I moved into the top right corner of my bed, scratching at my torso. I can feel the burn of Jonah's hands coursing up my body. I can feel every movement and every touch. Tears escaped my eyes, burning like fire. My breathing became heavy as I gasped for air I thought would never come. Buffy's eyes widened and I know why. I've never been one to care this much about touch. But when someone touches you in a way you don't want, even if you love them, you never want to be touched again.

All I want to do is curl up in Buffy and TJ's arms and have them tell me it'll all be okay, but I can't do that without feeling him. I can't do that without spiraling into a whirlwind of fear and pain. This is the type of deep, breaking, wrenching pain that people deal with. It can come in many forms, but for me, it came in rape.

      "Maybe we should call TJ? He's the only one who normally helps Cyrus when he's like this." No.
"No. I don't think he'd want TJ to know." Buffy said softly, my mind starting to calm down.
"N-No." I managed to choke out. Both of their heads shot over to me. I looked up at them, seeing the worry on their faces lessen, but it was still prominent.
"Cyrus what happened?" Buffy said softer than before, lifting her hand to touch me but stopping short. She put her hand back down, making a face I knew all too well. That's the face of awkward tension.
"I-I'm so sorry. I'm so gross and disgusting." I sobbed out, instantly regretting what I said. She seemed to be putting it all together in her head, her eyes going wide.

I watched as her eyes expanded and she looked at me. She stood, looking around my room. She shook her head, looking at Andi. They both turned to me, neither of them having worry. Now they wear a look of pity.

"Cy, did Jonah ra-"
"Buffy, come on! How could you even think that!" Andi yelled. But, she was correct. I would never tell them that, mainly because it was all my fault.
"All you care about is yourself! He's so fucking broken that he won't speak and all you can say is that Jonah is perfect! I understand that you dated him and that you're jealous, but think about our best friend!" I put my hands over my ears. I hate yelling.
"Oh fuck off! You know he can't handle the slightest bit of someone being upset with him!" Wow. That hurt.

          I continued to listen to them argue about me. So much arguing. My heart beat quickened, my body rejecting all of my emotions. The scratching of his nails and the heat of him begins to crush me like a truck. I can no longer breathe, tears flooding my eyes. I can no longer hear what is going on around me. My ears are filled with the sound of his moans and grunts, but my mind is filled with flashing images of TJ.

      "Look, you scared him." Andi whispered, which wasn't wrong.
"Come on, Cy. It's okay. We're sorry." Here it comes, the word vomit.
"Shut up! Both of you, just shut up! You don't understand my pain and you never will! I love him! He loves me! He would never hurt me and I would appreciate it if you stopped assuming that every time I'm upset it's because of him! And please stop asking if we should call TJ whenever something is wrong! He doesn't have to know everything!" I screamed as loud as I could through a choked storm of sobs. Buffy now has tears in her eyes, she sat closer to me.

          There is this thing about what happened to me. There is this thing that hangs over my head as if I am waiting for a guillotine to be dropped. I feel as if there is just this weight over me like a rain cloud, just ready to pour out onto me. I just can't put me finger on what it is and why it is there.

       "Then why can't you say his name?" There it is, that's the weight. His name. A bundle of letters and syllables that make up that one word. The one fucking word that hangs over my head, waiting to crush me.
"Cyrus. Say his name." Andi told me, trying to get me to admit nothing happened.
"Leave." I whispered through gritted teeth, Buffy's eyes still full of tears that she wouldn't let fall.
"Cyrus, please talk to me." I shook my head, placing my head on my arms. The skin became wet with my tears, but I didn't feel them leaving.
"Buffy he wants us to leave. Let's leave. Didn't you say you wanted to see that new dress I bought? Come on, it's a lot more fun than a Cyrus pity party." And there she is. There's the Andi I know and love.

           I turned back around, facing my wall again. I winced slightly at the movement, but not a lot. The physical pain has gone down by plenty, leaving only an ache in my lower region. They can see the physical pain, everyone can. They can't see the emotional pain. The pain of knowing the person you love has used you in a way that no one wants, but you still love them and they still love you.

          I picked up my pencil from where I let it fall on my bed, drawing on my wall. I still felt the presence of my friends, but I knew I would feel that for a while. Buffy doesn't leave without knowing I'm okay and Andi doesn't leave without Buffy on her hip.

I want to yell at them. I want to tell them to leave me alone. But, what would that do? Make Buffy yell at me again? Make them more worried? Everything I do has this deep swarm of pain. From one word to the next everything hurts me, but no one else. They seem hurt, sure. But the second I slap on a smile and pretend I'm okay, everyone around me is okay.

My mom does that. She looks as though she's worried or hurt, but she doesn't see passed the makeup covered red eyes or the fake smile I put on. She doesn't try to see passed it because she wants it to be true. She wants it to be so very true that I am her perfect boy and I have the perfect friends and perfect boyfriend and perfect life. Well, I'm sorry mom, I just don't.

       "If you don't talk to us I'm leaving you here." Good, go.
"Fine. Come on, Andi. Let's go." And like that, they walked away.

               Sometimes Buffy can be a little, how do I say this? She can be a bit stupid. She can also be pushy. There are times where I would like to just be...just be. I want to just be. But, Buffy doesn't know how to let me be. I wish she understood, I really wish she did. Buffy just doesn't understand like TJ does. And I don't think she ever will.

Let's think about something different for a minute. Well, try to think of something different. Let's talk about dogs. I've always wanted a dog, a pit bull to be exact. A big, grey pit bull that would protect me from harm. He would love TJ and all my future children would have him as their pet. They would all be so very happy. Unharmed. Untouched. But also, manage to feel unloved by me.

Jonah doesn't love me
I don't love Jonah
And I don't believe I can fix it
But I will try

Word Count: 1,690