Don't fall

Chapter IV: Salvatore

Today is Sunday, God's day. It's the end of my first week here, but most importantly, my first day without a therapy session. I have no idea how I'll make it through the day without talking to the one person who makes me feel good here. Am I being dramatic? Maybe. But talking to Doctor Paulson really does help me. Not in a "becoming heterosexual" way, more like a "talking to a friend" way. She kind of is a friend to me. Kind of. I still really want to fuck her. But can anyone blame me for that? She is so dreamy. Rosa, stop it. You're doing it again. Suddenly, I feel a small and sharp pain on the back of my neck.

-Ow. -I mumble. I look up and see Sister Theresa standing in front of my desk. The whole classroom is silent. -Did you just flick me?

-You are not paying attention. -She said angrily.

-I am, I really am. -I rub my forehead.

-Read. -She walks away from my desk after pointing at the open book in front of me.

-"And we have..."

-Louder. -She interrupts me.

-"And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent His Son as Savior of the world. " 1 John 4:14. -I dictate in a lifeless, yet loud voice.

-Explain it. -She says sitting down on the "teacher's desk".

-I'm pretty sure that's your job. -She gets up quickly and I immediately regret saying anything. -Okay, Okay! I'm sorry. -I blurt out, making her slowly take her seat again. -Um... Well... Father is God? -I look into her eyes, trying to get some sort of signal about my progress. Nothing negative, so I guess I should go on. -Father is God. His Son... Jesus? Jesus. He saved us all? I guess? That's all I got.

-John writes "we", representing the apostles who testified Jesus's deeds. Jesus was not only the Savior of the Jews, but also Savior of the Samaritans, as well as the Gentiles. Jesus came to offer salvation to all people. -She explains to the whole class.

-That's basically what I said. -I whisper to myself.

She proceeds to talk about Jesus saving us all. Well did he? Jesus is a nice guy and all, but I would much rather be rotting in hell than being here. At least, I would be "where I belong". Be careful with what you wish for, chances are: you're actually going to hell. After the last class of the day I just go to my room and lock myself in it. Fuck recess, fuck meals... I don't feel like doing anything. It is currently 18:15, meaning that I have about one 15 minute recess, a 30 minute meal and an 1 hour praying session to skip. I'm sure no one is going to miss me there.

I get out of my very busy routine of scratching my skin bloody to put my clothes away. As I organize my wardrobe, I stare deeply into my drawer of ties. Do I have enough of them to make a noose? My incredibly optimistic thoughts are interrupted by sudden knocks on the door. Considering that it is now 19:26, the praying session has already begun and someone is here to fetch me and force me to be a part of it. Well, there's no way around this. I go up to the door and open it just a little, enough to see who is on the other side:

-Sister Claire... Good to see you. -I greet her ironically.

-I was sent here to see what you were doing instead of attending to the chapel. -She says, waiting for an immediate answer.

-You know, I not feeling so great today. -I say, still holding the door so it wouldn't open more.

-Is it because you skipped lunch and dinner? -She asks, even more ironic than me. I look down, acknowledging my defeat. -The directress wants to see you.

-What a great way to meet her. -I smile, stepping out of my room.

For the first time, I go to the floor's secretary, off to meet the directress. I stop in front a wooden door with a small sign saying "Director's office". I knock and the door just opens. I face a nun sitting on a desk, looking at documents. As the door opens, she diverts her looks at me. She looks about 60, wears glasses and overall, doesn't look too mean. But who knows, she could be the Devil.

-I'm sorry. -I say embarrassed.

-It's okay, come in. -She seems unbothered.

I close the door behind me and sit in front of her desk, waiting for her to initiate the conversation. I notice at a small golden plaque on her desk: "Sister Monica".

-I heard a lot about you, Hernández. -She puts the documents down and looks at me.

-Oh, have you? -I ask in a kind voice.

-Well, Sister Theresa has a lot to say about the residents, but I believe you're special to her.

-Oh yeah, she loves me. -I joke.

Sister Monica lets out a small smile. Thank God, she's not evil.

-So, what is it? -She asks.

-I beg your pardon? -I ask, clueless.

-What is it with you? Do you hate God or do you hate is place?

-Well, I don't believe in God and hate is a strong word.

-That's why I used it. -She changes her posture and comes closer to me. -Look, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but this place has changed so many lives. Give this place a chance, give God a chance. -She says with a sympathetic voice.

-I've tried Sister, I really did. Call it a sickness, call it a curse, call me broken, call it whatever you want, but don't call it temporary. Don't say it's going to change, because it's not. This is who I am. -I kept my voice in the same tone as her.

-We'll see where your mind is at in a few years. -She proceeds to look through the papers on her desk. -Now just attend to at least the end of the prayer.

I nod and leave her office, going to the chapel. For the rest of the night, all I can think is: "What if she's right? What if I can actually change? What if I'm not gay?". On the next day, I go straight to the window as I wake up. I see Doctor Paulson arriving, getting out of her car... Okay, I am definitely gay. I turn around and get my agenda to see today's schedule. I keep scratching my arm until I read: "Conversion Therapy Session: 12:30". I immediately stop scratching and smile to myself. I was never this happy or this eager to attend to anything before.

On the staircase, on my way to the doctor's office, I spot a single scalpel on the floor. I stop and stare at it, in the middle of the stairs, while everyone moves on, not noticing it. I have the urge to grab that unmonitored tool and bring it to my room, in case I ever want to end it all... But then, I see: On the hallway after the stairs, Doctor Paulson entering the office. She must be wondering where I am. Without thinking twice, I run up a few steps and enter the office too, just to find her. Her smile, her voice, her body...

-You're late, young lady. -She smiles at me.

Fuck, she's so charming. I smile back and sit, as usual.

-How was your vacation away from me? -She jokes.

Terrible.

-Amazing, I went through the whole day without anyone asking me annoying questions. -I joke and lie.

-Hey, I'm just doing my job. -She chuckles.

When I'm with her, it's like everything else doesn't matter... I have nothing to think about, nothing to talk about, I just want to be here with her. I'm not afraid of the harm I might do to myself, I don't want to harm myself, I don't want to die, I don't want to end it all; I want to be here, everyday, talking to her, looking at her, thinking about her. She's the only thing that's keeping me from doing what I promised myself I would do if I ever found myself in this place. She's worth the trouble; the trouble of going through classes and prayer, the trouble of being seen as a monster, the trouble of wasting years of my life here, the trouble of having that one day per week of solid depression. I want to be here in her office, even if it means that I need to be imprisoned in this academy. She's just that perfect. In a way, she's helping me with stuff that fucked me up even on the outside. She's saving me. The nuns might have their Savior, but I have one of my own.