Don't fall

Chapter V: Casual

Everyday, I notice a new crack on the ceiling. Sometimes, it feels like they're gradually appearing, but I'm sure I just am unable to notice them all at once. I always find myself noticing these small details around while I wait for Doctor Paulson. She's never late, I'm the one who's early, like a hormonal student running to that one class of the day with a hot teacher. But I think that I have stablished that seeing her is a matter of survival by now... I take off my blazer and roll my sleeves up. Damn, it's hot today... Still no sun though... Doctor Paulson finally enters the office. She must be dying in that white coat. She closes the door behind her and sits in front of me.

-Good Morning, Sunshine. -She jokes in reference to the absolute frown I have on my face.

-Mornin' Doc. -I reply and provoke a smile on her.

-How was your day. -She asks, reading her clipboard as always.

-Awful. Yours?

-Better now that I'm with you. -She teases.

I pretend to be bothered by her comment to try to mask my feelings for her as much as possible and she laughs.

-What's for today? Let me guess: questions? -I joke.

-Wow. And Sister Theresa still says that you're dumb. -She chuckles.

-That woman does not see my true potential...

-Alright, alright... Let's stop messing around... -She pauses and reads her notes quickly. -So, tell me how you feel about your fourth week here.

How I feel? I feel like I'm forgetting how to live. I see these other students, walking around like they're completely dead inside and I think I'm starting to be more like them. Just the thought of being broken like them scares me to death. I always had this isolated pain inside me, but I used to ignore it and shut it down by not being by myself. Making jokes, having sex, any kind of social interaction with someone would be enough to keep my mind flowing; but those aren't things I can actually do here. When I'm alone, those thoughts get louder, and when they're louder, I listen to them, and when I listen to them... I got really close to jumping off the edge. But I didn't. I survived. And now, now I don't think I can do it again. Not here. I'm hanging by a thread. That thread being conversion therapy sessions. How did I get here?

-Miss Hernández? -I snap out of my never ending thoughts as I hear Doctor Paulson's voice.

-I'm sorry. -I reply smiling.

-Headaches again? -She asks smiling too.

-No, it's um... It's complicated.

-Come on, I want to hear it. -She switches her position on the chair and smiles at me once more.

-I'm not sure I can explain it...

She giggles and starts going through her clipboard, but suddenly stops and stares into my arm. I stare at it as well and realize that I still have my sleeves rolled up. Shit. She's seen my scars. I quickly put my hand over it, trying to cover them, but she gently grabs it and moves it away.

-Hold up. -She says concentrated, looking at the scars. She brings her chair closer to mine and puts my arm on her lap while she runs her fingers over every single cut. I can see her lips moving; she's counting. -When? -She finally looks up at me.

-I don't know... 2 years ago... Some of them... -I say nervously.

-Why? -Her sweet concerned voice combined with the fact that our faces are inches apart makes my heart race.