Don't fall

Chapter XIV: One Kiss

I can't even fucking believe this... Why? Why the fuck does this have to happen? Why can't I just stay here? Shit... Sarah was right: I should've been happy when Sister Monica told me there'd be a "vacation". Instead, I slit my wrists. Rosa Hernández: the OG dumb bitch. I can't really blame myself though; I thought I would spend a whole month in my house, with my parents. With my fucking parents. As usual, Sarah came to the rescue and saved my ass. What the fuck do I do now? I've been trying to find an answer to that question this whole cab ride, and it won't be long until I arrive at the academy. Rosita, think! I'll still see her everyday, but it won't be the same. I won't spend the whole day with her, the whole night with her. Plus, we made a pact to not even kiss inside the academy. I'm so fucked. At least I'll be with her. Just looking or talking to her is already enough. It used to work before, why not now?

-We're here. -The cab driver says after seeing that I hadn't realized it yet.

I try to "wake" myself up from my intense drift into thoughts and I get out of the cab. As I get my luggage and turn away from the car, I see Sister Claire by the academy's gates, waiting for me. I walk slowly towards her, practicing a fake smile in my head.

-Good morning, Sister Claire. -I try to say as sincerely as I possibly can.

-Miss Hernández... -She replies without even looking at me.

She gestures towards the inside of the academy as the gates open. Is this what being received in hell feels like? Just like in my first day here, she escorts me around the halls, as if I didn't already know them by now. As we reach the dorms, I stop in front of my door, watching her walk away.

-Are you giving me my keys back, or...? -I ask as she continues to walk away.

-Sister Monica wants to see you. -She says calmly.

I sigh and follow her to the Secretary. As soon as I get there, Sister Claire leaves without a word and all I can do is knock on the office's door. The door simply opens from the pressure of my knocks and get a clear view of the office: Sister Monica having a conversation with someone. They both turn to me as they hear the door being opened. Of course...

-Speaking of her... -Sister Monica rearranges her glasses.

-I'm sorry. -I say quietly.

-It's okay, I was just about to leave. -The person Sister Monica was talking to gets up from her chair.

-Doctor Paulson... -I greet her with a look. -It's been a while.

-It certainly has. It's good seeing you back here. -Sarah responds with a sad, yet sweet voice.

-Good seeing you too... -I practically whisper before we stare at each other for a few seconds.

-So, -Sister Monica breaks the silence, bringing our attention back to her. I hope she didn't notice anything. -Doctor Paulson, that's pretty much it. Remember to fill them in with black ink only... -She continues, grabbing a small pile of papers from a drawer under her desk and putting it in front of where Sarah is still standing. -It's all pretty standard as I mentioned before, but if you have any questions, feel free to come by. You may grab the forms and leave now. -Sister Monica orders with a sweet smile.

Sarah nods, grabbing the papers and discretely winking at me on her way out. I try my best not to show a response as I make my way to the chair in front of Sister Monica's desk.

-So... You were talking about me? -I pretend nothing happened.

-Yes, we were. I was telling Doctor Paulson about the new posture she has to adopt now that you're in your second semester here. The final exam is getting closer...

-Final exam?

-Yes, the exam you take at the end of each year to determine if you'll move forward in this academy. I believe Father O'Connell told you about this on your first day here.

-He did. I just blocked that out of my mind for a second.

-Of course you did. -She chuckles.

-So, what posture is she gonna have to adopt?

-Don't worry about it, it's nothing major. I'm not ordering her to put you through shock therapy or anything like that.

-I find it funny how you joke about that knowing that it's an actual thing around here...

-You won't get to that point. -She stares at me with a comforting look for a moment. -Specially with a therapist as good as Doctor Paulson.

-Yeah, she helps me a lot... -I try not to show any signs of emotion. -But still, this is really hard.

-I'm telling you, level one is the hardest, you have been doing an excellent job.

-Yeah, I only tried to kill myself once so far. -I joke.

-That's actually an impressive number, but I'm glad the vacation has brought your sense of humor back. -She smiles.

-It never went away.

-I'm sure it didn't... Anyway, I don't think there's much to be told about the test.

-I'm certainly gonna ace it anyway. I might not believe in christianity, but thanks to my parents, I know a lot about it.

-I am sorry to inform you that it won't be that kind of test.

-What? How? This is a christian facility, right? -I joke, worried.

-The test will evaluate your personal faith, not biblical facts.

-What is that even supposed to mean?

-I guess you'll figure it out then. Now, I believe you're late to your therapy session. You may go.

-But I...

-You. May. Go. -She interrupts me with a serious voice.

I hesitate for a while before I run off to therapy. As I get there, I open the door and close it dramatically right as I enter the room.

-Uh oh... What is it this time? -I hear Sarah joking behind me.

-Let me kiss you. -I say, still facing the door.

-Rosa...

-Just one kiss, I promise. -I whisper as I turn around to face her. Damn, I forgot how hot she is. -That's all I need.

-The "just one kiss" thing never works out with us, and you know it. -She responds, sympathetic.

-Look, I know what our deal is, but I'm really not having a good time now. -I approach her and she takes a step back. -One kiss, and that's all.

-No. One of us has got to be strong, Rosa. You'll understand when I have a bad day and I ask you for "just one kiss".

-I could never say no to you.

-We shouldn't even be talking about this. -She turns around, walks away and sits in her chair.

-So, is that it? - I ask, going to sit on mine. -I'm just gonna call you "Doc" all over again? You're just gonna ask me things, trying to cure me from my sexuality again? We're just gonna pretend that nothing happened between us? We're just gonna pretend that we don't love each other? You know, there are no cameras around here, no one ever comes in this room, what's stopping us from just doing what we wanna do? Better yet, what's stopping you from doing what you wanna do?

-Ro... -She takes a deep breath. -You'll thank me tomorrow. -We stare at each other for a moment, in silence. -Let me prescribe you something for your anxiety. -She says getting up to get something from the medicine cabinet.

She gets a pill bottle and carefully places one pill inside a small paper cup. She gives me the cup and I swallow the pill dry. She looks deep into my eyes and kisses me softly.

-I love you, Rosa.