Don't fall

Chapter XVI: Library

    -We were supposed to be careful... We agreed to not even kiss inside the academy... -Sarah whispers, wanting to laugh and being worried at the same time.

    -I'm aware... -I smile, looking at her.

    -Well... -She sits up and looks around; an absolute mess, with clothes everywhere and a very naked me laying down next to her. -What the fuck are we gonna do now?

    -I don't know. -I get up and start getting dressed. -All I know is that this little encounter has made it quite clear that we will not be able to maintain our initial deal.

    -I kind of see how you're right about that... -She laughs, getting dressed as well.

    -You know what? I think we're actually fine. -I say as Sarah gives me a look of doubt in response. -I mean, we do have a lot of time to spend together and we spend it in a room where it's literally, always, just the two of us. It could be worse.

    -It really could... Maybe, it could be as bad as us spending time together in a public space in the academy, like a... A library, for an example. -Sarah mocks.

    -Oh, I'm still down for that, by the way.

    -You cannot be serious... -She finally gets up and runs her fingers through her hair, trying to neaten it a little.

    -I don't understand what's so radical about us sitting on separate desks in a public environment without even talking to each other. -I wonder as I tie my shoelaces.

    -Even something as subtle as that could bring unwanted attention to us.

    -You're really starting to disappoint me. -I joke, going in Sarah's direction and trying to kiss her.

    -We do have to establish some boundaries, still. -She smiles, dodging away from my kiss.

    -For real? -I ask, making her chuckle.

    -Sorry I'm a prude, but you know I'm just doing what's right.

    -Damn, you're really gonna call yourself a prude after what you just did 10 minutes ago?

    Sarah rolls her eyes with a smile, walking away from me and sitting on her chair. After a moment of silence, she speaks again:

    -Look, I want to be able to kiss and fuck regularly as much as you do. -She says with a sweet voice and I chuckle, sitting on my chair. -But the only thing that I want more than kissing you, is knowing that you're safe. And I know that you're not safe when you're kissing me.

    -I rather be unsafe with you...

    -I love you. -She interrupts me and stops talking for a minute. -I don't wanna lose you... I'm sorry. Maybe I'm just too much of a pussy to take this kind of risk.

    -It's okay... I get it now that you put it like that. Still though... -I look at the clock on the wall and realize that it's time for "class". -I gotta go. -I get up and kiss her goodbye.

    -Love you. -She says with a cute voice as I leave the room.

    -The feeling is mutual. -I jokingly give her a monotone answer as I close the door.

    That went well... Actually, it really did. Sure, the whole library thing isn't happening, but I had sex. That wasn't supposed to happen though... Fuck it; I'm happy. It was dangerous but I'm sure Sarah enjoyed it too. Being apart from her is too hard. The library plan sounds stupid, I know. It doesn't seem like sitting with considerable distance between us would make a difference, but it would. Just the thought of occasionally glancing at her while reading a bible and being surrounded by books and nuns cheers me up. I know that's really weird, but it would make me feel better. That's just how much I love her. I shake my head to zone out of my gay thoughts as I open the door of the classroom.

    -You're late, Miss Hernández. -Sister Theresa says as all students stare at me.

    -Yeah... Sorry bout' that. -I give her a small awkward smile and she nods at me.

    I go towards a desk in the back of the class as usual and sit down.

    -As I was saying before being interrupted: -Sister Theresa glances at me angrily. -soon, you'll all be taking tests to up your levels. I hope I see you studying, because from the looks of your performances in class, there is plenty of studying to do. -She glances at me once more before going on with the class.

    Fuck that. I cannot believe that I'm going to study the bible during break; this shit is even worse than chemistry. After pretending to listen to Sister Theresa for 50 minutes straight, I get up and go to the library. As I arrive, I take a look at the whole thing: huge aisles of wood shelves filled with books, tables and chairs, nuns and two or three students. As usual. I spend a few minutes looking for an interesting book but end up not finding one, so I just pick whatever sounds simple and take a seat at one of the empty tables. "Forgiveness- A guide for sinners who seek redemption". Now that' s a shitty title. I force myself to open the book and start reading: "The first step to achieve Gods forgiveness is to admit to yourself that your actions (intentional or not) were in fact sins-". I stop reading immediately after reaching the third line of the book, unable to accept how bad it is. I close the book and set it aside on the table, closing my eyes and looking up, trying to clear my head enough to read that bullshit again. As I look back down, I see someone very recognizable by the door.

    -Well, shit. -I whisper to myself looking at the door, where Sarah stands holding a bunch of documents.

    She notices me and tries not smile, looking away and only allowing herself to giggle a little while looking at something other than me. She takes a seat at a near table, right next to mine. I start staring at her until she looks at me, and after getting her attention, give her a small and specific look that she would understand quite clearly. She looks around before responding, noticing how all nuns are busy and unbothered, not even noticing our presence. "I couldn't help it" she mouths with a soft smile. I smile back and open my book, reading it with ease granted by the comfort of having her by my side. Suddenly, I feel a sheet of paper touching my ankle after sliding across the floor. Looking at Sar, I notice quickly that she clearly dropped it. She tries to lean in to get it, but she doesn't reach it, so I pick up the paper and lean as well, finally allowing her to grab it. As she gets a hold of it, I still don't let it go, distracted by looking at her eyes. She looks back at me and we share a moment as we both hold the paper and stare deep into each other.

    -Doctor Paulson. -Sister Theresa exclaims with stern voice, making Sar and I distance from each other immediately.

    I feel my heart racing as I look at Sister Theresa standing in front of us, fearing for my life and fearing even more for Sarah's. I think I have never been scared like that before, it felt like I was fucking dying. I try to not shake as I look at the angry nun, expecting the worst. I glance at Sarah one last time before looking at Sister Theresa again. She knows it. She fucking knows it. I'm sorry Sarah...