here's a letter from me to you. // jenlisa.

XV

‘Stay’ was always our favorite song.

We helped wrote the English version of the rap together and it was fucking beautiful.

Sometimes I’d sing it for you when we were still together, and you would give me a kiss after I finished.

Why did you bring back those memories, love?

Why were you so close in front of so many people?

I was thrilled and sad all at the same time.

I was thrilled because you still remembered it. I was sad because it brought back ‘memories’.

That only was it. A memory. Destined to stay until it faded from the back of my mind.

There was no chance that it could happen anymore, Jen.

So why did you do it?

Why did you make me blush and on the verge of crying when I could do nothing but smile and acted like it wasn’t a big deal in front of so many people?

-

It was hard for me, Jen.

To see the woman of my dream in the arms of a stranger.

It took some strength that I didn’t know I had to even get up off my bed the next morning.

Chaeng had been sleeping with me. She held me until I passed out from crying and she didn’t let me out of her sight for a few days.

It finally made sense where did you go to all those time you came back late.

Why you were so distracted this whole time.

How it seemed like you were moving on faster than I ever could.

And who were behind all that.

I was back to where I started again. I couldn’t bear to look you in the eyes and I was barely eating.

I knew you were concerned.

I just wished I could tell you how bad I wished it was I and knew should’ve been I who were holding your hands.

-

I’m done contemplating and talking to myself now.

I think I’ve done enough damage to myself by reminiscing all those hurtful memories.

I think I’m going to be okay now, Jennie Kim.

I will get over you soon.

You’re just the best I ever had, after all.