here's a letter from me to you. // jenlisa.

III

After that day, my body-brain retaliated. It no longer served my brain because I'd find myself touching you more than I should no matter whether a camera was present or not.

I was in love with the feeling of holding your small waist and having your body close to me. I found myself becoming like a camera, auto-focusing only on you. You were slowly starting to become the answer to every question asked to me to the point that it wasn’t making any sense at all.

To make it simple, I was in love with you (I am in love with you).

I thought that you somehow felt the same way for me too.

The way you looked at me, the way it seemed like you wanted to be close to me too, and the way you got jealous when I got close to others, they were all so obvious; and I wasn’t the only one who thought so. The whole JenLisa fandom that I had been following secretly also thought the same. In fact, they were the reason why my oblivious ass finally realized it.

(I swear to god we have some amazing ass fans out there. They could be FBI’s behavioral experts or something).

I had decided to finally gather the courage to confront you. I wasn’t stupid. I knew what I was feeling and after a night scrolling through JenLisa fan pages and thinking it through, I was pretty sure of your feelings too. I wasn’t going to be one of those whiny people from the internet. I had never been a coward and I wouldn’t start being one that day.

But I also dismissed the premise that I had never been in love with anyone else before.

As soon as I was standing in front of you in your room, I could literally feel my courage seeping out from my body. Nobody told me that confessing my love to somebody else could be as scary as standing on the edge of a tall building. In some ways I agreed that they were somewhat similar.

I stood on the edge of the building facing the ground far down below as I looked you in the eye. By confessing to you, I decided to take that leap of faith in the hope that you would somehow catch me down there.

But I didn’t have that much faith in myself back then, Jen. I didn’t believe that someone as great as you would somehow like someone like me.
So when you asked me what was the thing that I was going to tell you about, I said instead,

“Can I borrow your pen?”