here's a letter from me to you. // jenlisa.

II

When did I fall in love with you? I couldn’t remember. It always felt like somehow I had always loved you, but if I had to guess, it would’ve been that day.

Jisoo-unnie and Chaeyoung were out for an ad photoshoot. It was just the two of us in the house and it was quiet. Usually on days like this I would’ve been in front of the TV, letting it play while I was on my phone; and I was going to do that, but I decided to check up on you because why not? Seeing you every morning was the highlight of my day.

I knocked because you wouldn’t have liked it when someone invaded your privacy.

“Unnie?”

“Yes, Lisa?” you said and I would’ve left from just hearing your soul-capturing voice if it weren’t from the tone of your voice that just screamed ‘WRONG!’ at me.

I decided to ask, “Can I come in?”

It was quiet for some agonizing seconds and I almost thought that you would refuse. My heart was undoubtedly heavy at that time because that would’ve been the first time you denied me anything since I admitted to myself that I was attracted to you.

It was strangely different than before. Even if it was just something as simple as this I couldn’t help but think that maybe this was a sign that you just didn’t feel the same way. However, you saved me from the impending heartbreak when you opened the door for me.

“You had been crying,” I stated looking at your puffy face.

I remember feeling like my heart was heavily sinking to my stomach and it became harder to breath.

You looked at me sadly and said, “Yeah.”

“Why?” I asked still standing in front of the open door and not daring to walk in because I could barely even trust myself not to gather you in my arms right then and there.

“Nothing. It doesn’t matter,” you shook your head. “Do you need anything?”

Yes, it does matter. Yes, I need something. I need you to tell me what made you cry and how could I make you feel better, I thought to myself as my head chose to leave you alone.

On the other hand, my stupid body-brain didn’t think that I should do that, and instead of discussing it with my head, it moved on its own. It led my feet into taking a step closer to you and my hand to reach for your face.

We both were clearly shocked when I put my palm on your soft and chubby cheeks and rubbed the tears away from them. The shock was evident by the way your eyes went wide and your body became still.

“I don’t like it when you're sad, Unnie,” I told you. My mouth clearly betrayed my head too.

(I still wonder which part of me is actually still loyal to my head up to this day).

I almost retreated my hand and turned my back on you because you didn’t say anything and your body was still tense. I was afraid I had creeped you out. However, you suddenly relaxed and let your face rest on my palm. I almost died because my heart just burst and warmed my body up a few degrees right then and there.

That was the first time I had ever tried to get that close to you outside of the camera range and you proved that you didn’t just want to be close to me because there were cameras around. You actually wanted me to be close to you too.

“Why are you sad?” I asked trying to contain my giddiness for the sake of respecting the mood.

You looked up at me sadly and said, “Internet.”

Then you surprised me when your arms circled around my waist before you buried your face on my chest. You didn’t cry, but you took a deep breath as if taking a whiff of me.

As soon as I finally recovered from my shock, I wrapped my arms around you and hold you tight. I thought my heart had reached its limit before, but then my heart kept on expanding and it felt like it was swallowing my whole body from inside out while engulfing me in a warm fire.

“It's so hard living a life like this,” you breathed. “I just want to take a break from everything.”

I understood what you meant. Sometimes I thought the same thing. Must have been the same with Jisoo-unnie and Chaeng.

“I didn’t know that being an idol translates to being under constant scrutiny from too many people and nothing you do would ever be accepted by everybody,” she continued. “It's exhausting.”

“I know,” I said. I couldn’t have possibly said anything else that could comfort you better.

When someone’s sad, sometimes it’s better to just let them know that someone got what they were feeling than long ass rants about how much better they were than that and how only opinions from people that they cared about that mattered. At least that’s how it always works with you.

You were exceptionally smart, you knew all those things already. You didn’t need other people telling you things that you already knew.

“Want to watch a movie with me?” I asked you and I felt your nod.

We both knew better, though. Watching was just a word we used for letting the TV play while we were wrapped in our blankets and making a mess out of our limbs.