Consumed || Shawn Mendes ||

Night Two.

I stood by the side stage for the second time in two days. As i looked on to the crowd patiently waiting for the show to start, i envied them because they just seemed ready to have the time of their lives. Meanwhile i was battling with myself because even after all the emotional instability i was currently suffering through i had came tonight. 

Why did i keep doing this to myself?

 Because no matter how much i hated it, I wanted to see him.

I had too. 

Even though i pretty much avoided him in ever other way. 

I checked my watch looking at the time, and then i felt his eyes on me. My body shivered as i turned half way towards his direction. He looked good, as usual. No surprise there. I hated that as soon as i saw him everything in my body turned to pudding and my brain cells seemed to diminish. I quickly looked down at the ground as i turned my back to him, hoping he wouldn't notice. The show was about to start so i knew he would have to go and do his pre show prep.

 But to my shock he was standing on the side of me, our arms touching lightly.

 But the body heat radiating off both of us. Why was that happening?

I knew why from my own perceptive, for myself.

 But for him? It didn't make sense to me. 

But yet here we are. Together. 

"How are you holding up? I tried to check on you, i figured you stepped out so i had the front desk leave the tickets for you. weren't sure if you would show up tonight." He said while looking out to the crowd but you can tell his mind was somewhere else. Where? 

I tried to calm my inner nerves, as i side eyed him. 

God, he looked so exquisite.

The way his jaw line was so sharp, the way it clenched when he was in a deep train of thought.

I wanted to kiss the lining of his jaw so badly. But i didn't.

i looked back at the empty stage as the crew people finished making sure everything was in place. Giving myself a distraction from him.

"I showed up". I said as i turned to him and giving him my warmest smile. I didn't want to be so short with him but my emotions were still raw and i didn't want to become a wreck in front of him. He wouldn't understand where it was coming from. He would think i was truly crazy, and i didn't want that. But all i knew how to do shutting my own self out was to keep it simple and short. 

He furrowed his eyebrows. 

"Okay." Was all he said. 

"Your gonna kill it tonight again." I quickly stated as he turned to head back towards his team i assumed. 

He did a quick Thank you and was gone. 

Here i was standing alone waiting for the one person i wanted so much from but know i could never actually get. I was just a fan. A consumed fan of course, this wasn't healthy. But i had to be here, through all the emotional turmoil i was allowing to myself. I quickly hated myself for being so short and cold like towards him. But it was needed for me, but yet i still stood here on the side waiting just to see him, to hear him give his all to his fans. Doing what he loved. 

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The show was unreal. 

The few times i have seen him live it was as breathtaking i must admit, i could understand why so many would see him multiple times. 

But to see him from this view, was literally the best thing ever. Despite all these feelings i had bottling inside me. I couldn't deny that seeing him in his zone was such an appeal. It was hypnotizing, he was. The way he connected with the crowd, he fed off their energy. The way he rocked out so hard in his guitar solo's. The passion in the much slower melodies, as his fingers strummed across the keyboard of the Baldwin piano. The way he lost him self as he sang and he heard the fans singing it back to him. Tonight though he seemed to be going so much harder then he usually did. His falsettos where longer, higher and the passion was just seeping from his vocals. I was once again lost in his trance, his world, his every move i watched like a true fan girl. 

The show was now ending and as the lights began to dim down low and Shawn switched his guitars getting ready for the last song, but then everything went dark and he spoke. 

"Guys i haven't played this song ever live. I hope you'all like it".

I raised my brows confused, this was a first. 

Then he began strumming and it was just him center stage with the light on him and his guitar. Like his first ever show back in the handwritten days. I stood glued to what was going to happen. 

'She'll be the one who breaks my heart

She'll be the love I can't let go
She'll be the light who breaks my dark
She'll be the love I can't let go'  

My heart froze, and my eyes grew wild and my mouth was open.  This song sounded so good as he played it out in his guitar alone. I was hypnotized but like my whole body was in a trance like if it was for me that he was singing this too.

 No i had to be really going crazy.

 My mind was playing tricks on me for sure. 

 'She'll be the love who breaks my heart

She'll be the one I can't let goShe'll the light who breaks my darkShe'll be the oneShe'll be the one I can't let go'

 He looked over at me and our met and he smiled just at me. 

This was for me?

I couldn't wrap my head around that notion quick enough because i then felt the heat of tears running down my cheeks. 

uncontrolled and completely provoked by him and that godforsaken voice. In this very moment everything i never wanted to ever be visible by him came out ten fold, all while i was side stage at HIS concert of all places. I couldn't do this, not here. 

I found myself running to the exit with blurred vision and no real destination but i knew i had to get out of there. I heard a voice but i never bothered to see or listen to who it might have been. Twice i had been brought to tears in this very place.

Once by my own subconscious.

Now by Him. By Shawn Mendes.