Consumed || Shawn Mendes ||

Consumed

The weather was reflecting my entire mood for the day.
Gloomy.
Cold.
Rain.

**Last night **
once I got to my room, I stripped down to my naked self and crawled into the round tub and cried till my eyes were blood shot red and my head felt like it would explode. After my second breakdown I turned the facet on and let the warm water raise till it was cascading around my body. Covering me in a warm like sensation. It gave ma a comfort that I needed and wasn't going to get from anyone.
From him at least.

Once I finally got out after my hands became like prunes, I wrapped the fuzzy peach cream robe around my body and I laid in bed in the fetal like position. My hair was now a curly mess around me. I took my journal from the nightstand and I began writing. The pen glided across the paper so swiftly making sure I didn't mess any detail even down to the smallest of them. Before I knew it I was already 5 pages in and I felt like I had barely scratched the surface. I was then disturbed by a knock. I shot my head up staring at the door anxiously. Hopping the person would go away. The knocks came a few more times, and then I heard his voice muffled outside the door. My chest grew heavy again and just the sound of his voice made me want to start crying again.

Why was I like this right now? What was happening to me? What was he doing to me? Without him even aware of what he was doing to me?

The knocking stopped finally and I let out a small sigh of relief. I turned back to keep writing, but I couldn't my concentration was already broken and my hands were a shaking wreck.
Part of me wanted to swing the door open and must hug him and bury my face into his chest, inhaling his intoxicating scent. Feeling his arms around me and the comfort I found in him. This comfort I hadn't found since losing my mom.
As strange it sounded, it was true.
My truth.
But reality of the whole thing was i would never do that, that could never be an option. He's a famous singer and I was a fan who followed him intentionally and unintentionally just to get that momentary fill that he gave, that void he could fill but never permanently.
He was MY person to me
But I was just a Fan to him.
Nothing made me any different than the million of fans who adored him on a daily basis.
I wiped the countless tears that fell down my cheeks when I realized I was once again crying.
Is this what heartbreak feels like? How can someone who doesn't even know me break my heart? Was I breaking my own heart?
This was my own doing.
I allowed this.
I wanted this.
To be some kind of reality I had dreamed of countless times.
I let this go to far.
I became consumed.
*******************

I was brought back to reality with a loud sound of thunder and lightening striking so brightly in the sky. i quickly took a sip of my cappuccino watching out the huge glass widow watching people running in the rain to get to their destination, umbrellas in every color and size along the side walks. My hands were half covered under my oversized sweater and my black motor cross jacket, my all to familiar black tights and my black boots , my hair was in more of manageable set of curls today. I couldn't look like crap just cause I felt like it. I had been in this cafe for about two hours, I just needed to get out the hotel and get air. I wandered and ended up here. I wrote a few entries, and just people watched and looked over out at my scenery. Despite the weather this was still a beautiful place to me.

I shook my umbrella at the side of the revolving doors and placed it into a bucket for the wet umbrellas at the side. I lifted my jacket hoodie down while i walked towards the elevator of the hotel to go to my room. I hadn't seen Shawn since yesterday during his Perfomance, I shouldn't have been surprised that he wasn't here. But I still wondered where he might be.

What he was doing? Feeling? What was he wearing for this shit like weather? Did he wonder where I might have gone? Did he care? Highly doubtful.

I walked into the elevator waiting pressing my floor and as the door began to slow I saw him walking in the distance towards the elevator. He was wearing a red sweater, jean jacket with a bunch of patches and his name tag on his left chest, dark navy blue skinnies and his black boots. He was deep into a conversation on the right of him and I saw his chiseled jaw with a hint of pink tint on his cheek. As the door closed he looked up and our eyes met.
The elevator ride seemed very long compared to most times but I was so frozen in the small event that played out I didn't seem to care. Once I stepped out of the elevator and walked down the hall to my room, I heard a slight ding signal that someone would be getting off one of the three elevators. My heart began to race and feel like it shot up to the middle of my throat, I began speed walking towards my room door. When I got there i quickly swiped my key card and I practically almost killed myself running into the room and slamming the door shut behind me. I placed my head onto the cold metal of the door and I sighed so loudly. Once I caught my breath I took my jacket and shoes off by the door and i went to the small table and chair that stood by the windows, I sat down and I turned the tv on to give me some background noise instead of my own thoughts. And then I saw it .

The small envelope on the top of the edge of the bed.
I walked over to it hesitantly, I looked over it without touching it for a moment. I decided to just snatch it open and so I did.

They where all access passes to tonight's show.

Great.