Consumed || Shawn Mendes ||

Old Habits Die Hard.

One month later.

I woke up to the sounds of the birds chirping loudly in the kitchen, signaling that it was already morning. As I laid in my bed looking up at the ceiling like I did every morning for the past month, i took a deep breath to give myself energy to roll out of the bed.
As I rolled over I lazily took my phone out and checked my notifications as I did every morning. I scrolled through my feed, making sure to ignore anything with the one person I had ran away from over a month ago.

He was the reason I got on a plane and ended up in LA. This was my second home away from home when I needed to escape in the past.
I had a small apartment that one of my family members left me in passing. I always kept it around because I knew this is where I wanted to be. I always had an undying love for California, I was pretty sure I would always end up here to start and finish life.
So it only felt right to come here when I couldn't think of anywhere else to go as I looked for flights out of London that same night in a rush.

I had dragged myself out of the bedroom and into my bathroom to brush my teeth and begin my routine. I needed a routine once I finally got through my many many breakdowns after London.

** As I waited at the airport with all my things and my passport in my hand shaking uncontrolled I paid my one way flight for LA.As I sat in the waiting area of my terminal I kept wiping away the tears that kept escaping. This whole thing was my own fault, I did this to myself. But I couldn't be as mad with myself as I wanted to be, because despite every unhinged emotion i had there was a bunch of happy moments and memorable moments I had because of him.

I got to see beautiful places because of him.

I faced one of my biggest fears, I got a plane finally to follow my heart it just so happened he was the fire that ignited in me.

His music saved me from so many dark times in my own personal life. He was the light when I had nobody so seeing him live and feeling alive was the best thing I ever experienced.

Thats why it was so easy to fall in love with him, well the thought of him. He was everything any girl could imagine in the 'perfect guy'. He always knows how to make you feel like every he does to or with you is sincere im sure its just the Canadian in him. But it was always so easy to misinterpret his actions. Thats what i caught myself doing, i got consumed in the thought of him. Traveling and being wrapped into everything that was him and had to do with him, it felt right to me. I wasn't broadcasting it all over social media but i was doing the most i could do to make sure i saw him at his concerts. Then to add the encounters that were never planned, that added fire to my fuel with him. I could admit i created this notion of all these possibilities that could happen even though my subconscious knew the reality of it all. Everything became to overwhelming for me in London, that boundaries for me was crossed with him assisting i stay in his hotel and then our brunch 'date', the side stage all access passes, the tension between us. All these things screwed with me emotionally, but it was because i thought too much the small things. **

I was brought out of my thoughts quickly with a knock on my door.  As i walked to the entry way that lead to the door, i quickly threw my oversize pullover NYU hoodie and i looked at my reflection in the small mirror. My skin had gotten most of it glow back, the eye circles seemed to have disappeared and my hair was back to it beautiful puff of wavy sea curls. I appreciated the girl i was looking at. She changed, she found herself. 

The knock came over again bringing me back to reality, i quickly looked through the peephole and opened it. The mail man handed me a small box and went on about his way. I closed my door with my foot as i held the slightly heavy small care package. I walked over to my living room and placed it on the coffee table and i sat down as i opened it. When i saw the beautiful things crammed into it i couldn't help but bring myself to smile so hard. I then took my phone out and called the sender of this much appreciated care package.