****
"This was my own doing.
I allowed this.
I wanted this.
To be some kind of reality I had dreamed of countless times.
I let this go to far.
I became consumed. "
****
*Started ; Jan.7.19 - Finished ; Jan.20.19 *
Please a reminder everything...
As i'm waiting for my luggage at baggage claim, i'm looking around the somewhat deserted airport and i start silently scolding myself.
Should i even be here? What is wrong with me? I started feeling myself get the all to familiar sensations in my body. The tingling that made my vision become fuzzy, my hands started to get moist as i held my fist closed together. My heart started to race and i felt the urge to throw up.
I was having an anxiety attack.
I quickly ran towards the rest room, forgetting my luggage. I found a bathroom stall and i went in and closed the door sitting on the toilet seat. My head was racing a mile a minute. I was trying to catch my breath between my uncontrolled tears. As i looked at the silver metal door it felt like the stall was beginning to close me in. I felt like my heart was going to pop out of my chest. The racing in my ears rang like a surround sound. I couldn't let this happen. Not now.
I placed my hand to chest and i started trying to control my breath and in between breaths i spoke to myself. I repeated the same mantra i did for the past 5 years after my mothers passing. I focused on the door and i when that wouldnt work i quickly took out my phone and i went to my music and i started playing 'In My Blood' By Shawn Mendes.
'Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something'
I began silently singing along with him, wiping the tears from my eyes and regaining control of my breathing. After the song was done. My attack and came to a slow down and i was coming back to myself. I got up and unlocked the door and i went to the faucet and turned it on. Letting the cool water hit my hands i began to pat the water around my face. Feeling refreshed. I turned the faucet off and i looked at myself in the mirror. And after a quick look over i spoke to my reflection.
"You can do this. You deserve to find your happiness. You are deserving".
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I was staring out the balcony of my motel and as i sipped my tea to try to calm unsettling nerves. As i started to pace my room back and forth waiting, i heard a ding come from my iPhone. I quickly ran to the nightstand and yanked my phone off the charger. The traveler finally answered and thankfully she was helpful with giving Shawn's hotel information. I took a deep sigh of relief as i threw my phone on the corner of the bed and began to get dressed.
As i existed my Uber and went across the street to the hotel. I saw a swarm of girls already lined up on the side of the hotel. This line was more massive than in Paris, seemed to be about 50 plus girls gathered on the side in scattered groups. I took a deep breath and i headed towards the line of girls.
**AN ; THIS IS A FILLER CHAPTER SORRY. THE NEXT ONE WILL BE LONGER !! PLEASE COMMENT AND VOTE !!<333
