The Gemini

63 - Goodbye

January 1, 1992

Jody's not sure how she'll do it. Choosing the least painful way isn't even a concern. A body this numb wouldn't know the difference between a knife and a noose.

If she kept crying like this though, she just might dehydrate. Shrivel up and fade away.

Is it even possible?

She knows it isn't. Just like she knows that entertaining these thoughts of self elimination is wrong. It couldn't be helped though.

He wouldn't condone it. He wouldn't be too pleased if I did.

But he left her here alone to suffer. Jody figured she'd probably die of a broken heart before she even left this room.

Head hung, hair curtaining her face of sorrow. What she really wanted to do is throw herself across his body. Hold on and hope with all hope that this is all just a mistake. That really he isn't gone, but in a coma instead.

A coma without a heartbeat....

Her common sense became delusional. About it, she didn't mind much. Any deluded state is better than this reality. When she came out of her fainted spell, Jody's mind slipped right into the denial.

They tried to get her to sit, to take time and let it all sink in so as not to get overwhelmed again. Angrily she declined and demanded to know his location, she needed to see him. Some advised against it, that only made her yell more. Fuck an image, she needed her husband. When they gave her the direction she ran there. Seeing him lying lifeless caused her to brake all the more.

And now here she stood. Barely.

With timid touches, she'd felt his face. His skin still warm. It's only been seven minutes. Each of those seven brought along a different emotion. From suicide to the dread of exiting these hospital walls. Out there, cameras are waiting. The world is waiting. She isn't ready to bleed for the globe to see.

"Roger, I can't. I....I can't do this without you. I don't want to." she hiccupped, struggling through her soft spoken watery words. "I need you."

They had the nerve to give her a time limit. Telling her that she only had so long before they needed to remove his body. To her ears the words came across harsh; as if he's yesterday's trash or something. If Jody weren't blinded by her sorrows, she would've decked the guy right in his face.

She felt so destructive. Like she's burning from the inside out.

Maybe this is what it feels like. A literal breaking heart.

It's as though every cardiac pump sent molten lava throughout her system. Exhaustion: she's never felt it in such caliber as this now.

The death of a marriage. Memories flashed of every single yesterday. From their first kiss, to the last. The last 'I love you', to the first. She couldn't figure it out; why it is that heaven didn't want them to be. In her logic, that had to be the case. Each time they came together, something tore them apart. Once upon a time Roger told her about a curse. It's obvious to her now that it was never truly lifted.

Tears clouded again. Wiping them away with her coat sleeve, Jody leaned down, pressing her lips to his temple.

"I love you." she whispered against him, "I'll never stop. If I get the chance, I'll never love another."

A touch to his hair. Everything still being in place added to the trick her mind wanted to buy into. He's asleep. He's not gone.

He's not gone. He's not gone.