Cash Baker's Girl

Part 24 - Her Mental Ramble

They told me that love hurts.
They told me not to believe.
They told me that those you love always leave.
They told me that I'll end up the same.
They told me that I'd feel the worst.
They told me that I'd be broken hearted.
They told me it'd last forever.

I did get hurt,
But I still believe.
The one I love did leave,
But I don't feel a thing.
I did get broken hearted,
But it barely lasted half an hour.

I guess that's a perk to being partly dead. You can just shut it off and never have to worry. You can be a bitch and not have a care in the world. You can be a cold hearted ice queen and have everyone trembling at your feet. All because you were hurt by one.

My name is Ashlyn Stone and I'm going to be homeschooled until halfway through May because I spray painted the cafeteria at Tulsa High School. What did I paint? That picture I took of Julie back in January. Oh, it's March thirteenth by the way.

I decided to follow through with my words because she continued to blackmail my ex boyfriend. And, yes, I said ex. That's not important as of this very moment. It got me suspended by I didn't care because I had no intention of returning any time soon. Why? Because I couldn't handle seeing my ex everyday.

Now for said ex. I dated the infamous Cash Baker. I even went as far as to fall in love. Then he was blackmailed into cheating on me. I know what you're thinking. Why did you breakup with him if it was blackmail? Well, that's because he didn't trust me enough to handle the situation so he didn't have to lose his virginity through blackmail.

I was always the one calling us on break, but we had never broken up. Ever. Now, we have. The other difference between those times and now is that it was him, not me.

I didn't see the signs right away. Not like I should've. I should have trusted my gut and tapped into his memories the night before. But I decided to be a good girlfriend and trust him. If only I knew then what I know now. I guess you could make Katy Perry's Wide Awake my new theme song. The reason why it was too late was because I was already hurt.

I'm not letting that happen again.

I sense Cash's eyes on my bedroom window late at night. I haven't seen him, called him, or texted him. Nothing. But I know he's trying and I know I can't have him back. If he was brave enough to sleep with another girl to protect my secret, then I can be brave enough not to give him my secrets to keep.

I sit around my bedroom everyday, shielding my emotions from him and his from me. I don't want to feel my hurt. Feeling his hurt would still only hurt me. I've become void of certain emotions. I still feel them and act upon them, but not as bad as I did ten days ago. Damn, I haven't fed in eleven days. I didn't even realize.

When you experience heartbreak, you're experiencing losing the person closest to you. That's what a mate is for a vampire. That one person you just can't get rid of. No matter how hard I've been trying, I can't stop wondering what it would be like if I did stop it. Then I curse myself and remind myself of what exactly happened to make it like this.

Julie. The same girl who's dead body was snuck out of Cash's house by my brothers. Yeah, I killed her. No, I don't regret it. Come to think of it, I've killed a lot of people since I started dating Cash. Nine mafia men, my father, an entire pack of werewolves, and Julie. They all had one thing in common; they had something to do with threatening my mate.

Cash asked me to turn him into a vampire that morning. I agreed and it didn't happen. At first, he said it was to have us be together forever. Now it's so he can feel my pain and be reminded everyday of just how much he hurt me.

Is it wrong to say I still love him? Is it wrong to say I want things to be back to normal?

Here I am, ranting about how hurt I am when I still just want him back.

"Not all who wander are lost." A quote from the poem All That is Gold Does Not Glitter by J.J.R Tolkien from The Lord of the Rings novel. If I were to wander off, I'd probably find myself right next door on Cash's doorstep or outside his window throwing rocks at it. But, along with that, I know I wouldn't be lost while doing it. I'd be right where I want to be in the end and that's in the arms of Cash Baker. My first real boyfriend that I had real feelings for.

My family has asked me everyday the same question. "Are you okay?" I'm honestly tired of hearing it. So tired that I have my door locked all the time. The only person I talk to is Lysandra. The girl who's pregnant, dating my brother, my brother's mate, and my best friend since forever ago. She's pretty awesome. They all are.

I guess I've already made my point even though I never truly knew what the point was myself.

Was it that I'm hurt?
Was it that I'm alone?
Was it that I want Cash back?

It could be anything. Now to puzzle myself with wondering what exactly I'm going to do from here on out.

Sleep with guys?
No, that'd hurt me to much.

Drink?
No, that'd send me back to him without my complete consent.

Go back to him?
No, that's not right.

I can be ready for him, but he needs to come to me. Especially if he wants to get back together.

That's part twenty four. I know it isn't much, but I just wanted you to read about what it is Ashlyn feels about all of this if it wasn't clear in the last part. Plus, this allowed me to express her character more than what you've maybe seen.

Everything you just read is Ashlyn's thoughts. The same ones she's thought about for the past ten days. Maybe not all at once, but she's thought about them. It's a ramble, so it sort of goes down rabbit holes everyone and awhile if you know what I mean.

I hope you enjoyed reading part twenty four of Cash Baker's girl. Can you guess what the future entails?

Peace.
Love.
Out.