poetry

what heartbreak is

to me it feels like heartbreak.
maybe i'm wrong
maybe this is just pain
maybe heartbreak is ten times worse
and i just think this is it
because i don't know any better.

but i can't imagine anything worse than this.

to me,

heartbreak is crying in the middle of an exam
and lying to the invigilator when they ask why

heartbreak is highlighting poetry books for hours a night
trying to find a meaning behind your suffering

heartbreak is waking up with damp red eyes
with dried up tears staining your cheeks and pillows

heartbreak is checking every hour if you've unfollowed me yet
and crying when you finally do

heartbreak is not being able to leave the room for an hour
in case you cry in front of your family

heartbreak is seeing your name mentioned
and dissolving into painful memories

heartbreak is reading through screenshots of old conversations
with tear stains all over your phone screen

heartbreak is laughing less at your friends jokes
because smiling feels like something alien now

heartbreak is thinking of you all day
knowing i would never cross your mind again

heartbreak is looking up your social media
even though you've forgotten me already

heartbreak is downing half a bottle of vodka at once
and having to be restrained, screaming, from texting him

heartbreak is knowing you never loved me in the first place
and loving you myself in spite of that

heartbreak is lying on my bedroom floor
feeling so empty that i'm surprised i weigh anything at all

heartbreak is pointing out all my flaws in the mirror
and telling myself this imperfection is why you didn't want me

heartbreak is drinking a glass of warm salt water
and crying when no vomit would come out

heartbreak is sleeping in even though i'm not tired
because i don't want to face another day

heartbreak is being tired all the time
and wishing i could just not be a part of the world any more

heartbreak is sitting down in the shower
and leaning against walls
and heavy eye bags
and staring at the floor
and avoiding conversation
and blank, empty stares

heartbreak is crying because i forgot your eye colour
and wishing you a happy birthday even though we don't talk

heartbreak is wishing you were still here
despite it all.