poetry

last week i thought i was over you so i wrote this poem

do you know what, he isn't coming back
and he was a prick
and i looked so fucking desperate

this is the first time i've been angry at myself
and that seems like progress
because before i kept creating reasons that he would come back
that he had secretly always loved me as much as i had loved him

now all the scenarios i picture involve me shouting
me screaming
me punching and hitting and kicking
until he can feel a fraction of the pain i felt when he left

i hate myself for being so desparate
i hate myself for loving him as much as i did
and changing myself in the process of it

he won
and i hate that the most

something i've had to force myself to realise is that he knows i loved him
and he doesn't care
he never cared
he did it all on purpose
it wasn't because he was jealous or because he pushed me away or any of the delusional reasons i tried to create
it wasn't even because he hated me like he claimed after
it was because he just
didn't
care
and i've accepted that

i used to know that if he came back i would take him in a heartbeat
now i don't think i would
and i'm so incredibly proud of myself

i wanted to talk to him when i was crying over my small part in the play
but that's only because he knew about drama and i wanted advice
i didn't want his shoulder to cry on

i wanted to talk to him when i got off the phone to the police
to tell him that i'd actually done something about the situation i was in
but i've come to realise that was because i wanted to show you
that other people have hurt me more than he ever could
that he didn't win
that he would never win

i wish i had never loved you but now i don't any more
at least i don't think i do
and that's a good feeling
i miss before i loved you and that sweet innocence, sure
but i will never get that back
the closest i have is not being in love with you any more
and i will have to accept that as the best i can get

fuck you
for being such a dick
i hate you
but i don't really
but i don't love you either
and i suppose that's a start

nothing is worse than losing you
i thought back then
now i've realised something is
and it was losing me