All For One (Depression)

Part 28 - "Love, E"

Eleanor's POV>

Endless parades of torment flowed around each corner of the house. I never felt so frightened. As the wind banging on the window did not seem to help at all, I lay there in the darkness, wishing with my entire heart that something, anything would bring me out of this hell hole and into the light again. I longed to see Louis' beautiful smile return home to where it belongs. Now, only dark shadows remain in the dusty air as I fail to sleep. I shoot up straight and nearly falling to the floor, Louis bursts up afraid as he grabs my wrist.

"You okay?" He asks, that weary tremble in his voice.

I tell him I'm fine and that it was all just some big nightmare. But it had been so very far from that. This was a nightmare but a very real one to be exact. One that I could not seem to wake from. And Louis, what he must be going through, It's painful. I am sat up on the flattened mattress and Louis rubs my back gently as I try and catch my own breath which feels like It's bolting away. 

"What's the matter?"

I don't even want to tell him the truth. How I really feel about all this. What if he can't be saved? What if there's nothing I or anyone can do? At worst, what if he attempts another one and this time succeeds? I don't know what to tell him anymore.

"I-I just had a bad dream. That's all".

"Well what was it? Tell me, love".

He's clearly persistent and there's no chance in hell he'd quit asking until I would be okay again. I couldn't leave it to that chance as I remember how I bit my lip wanting to fight back the urge to tell him the truth.

"I-I-I felt like I was in The Walking Dead. I was a-alone". I thought myself up a good lie. But would it be enough to fool him?

His eyes glared at me through the pitch black dark as I stood there motionless.

"I promise you my love, as long as I'm here, you'll never be alone".

The way he said that....it only made me wish to cry more. Because there was only one problem. He wasn't really there. He wanted me to believe he was but when I looked into those pupils, I saw nothing but fear and sadness. There was truly no light, no happiness, and no sign of hope. As if he were almost a demon taking  in his form, he just wasn't there.

Louis' POV>

I don't remember much of my small talk with my girlfriend last night for some reason. I just am too tired to even think these days. Too tired to even write. I don't even see what the point is in even trying to talk to her. Nothings working. I can tell she still think I'm going to be okay. I'm fine. So what if I just choose not to spend time with the lads that much anymore? The second they all made a 50 pound bet I wouldn't show up to that long and boring band meeting thing, I knew they didn't trust me anymore. Who cares! 

I checked my phone at 5:37 am and saw how I had apparently missed several texts from Briana regarding Freddie. I didn't even reply. There's just no need to. She wants to be all bitchy about me with my son, that's fine by me.

After I had finished fully waking up, I went downstairs for a match on the telly. And someone beat me to it. Eleanor was already down there on the sofa at 4:37 in the bloody morning. But I still couldn't help but smile at her. She needed to know that I am trying my best to end this. To diffuse all this nonsense that's been happening to me ever since Mum's death. I need her to see how hard I'm working to fix myself up properly and fully. I took a seat next to her and she just scooted away. I was wondering if she hated me or something. I helped her last night with her nightmare she was having and this was how she was repaying me. It hurt.

"Eleanor for fucks sake please please just talk to me. Did I say something wrong last night? Was I supposed to do something? What's the issue?"

I saw small tears forming in her eyes. I felt horrible seeing that. I never liked seeing her so upset.

"Do you love me?"

I really genuinely wish I hadn't heard those words come out her mouth. I had no idea she was going to say anything like that. 

"Eleanor....why on Earth would you ask that? Of course I love you. I've never loved anyone more".

"I'm just scared. I'm scared of your potential. You have moments where you get all angry and start rows with people, mostly me and the guys, you never want to take part in anything anymore, you change your outfit and your hair to look like an emo punk or something....I'm just scared of what might happen between us or the band".

I knew it. She's terrified and It's my fault. I'm making her like this. She looks just like a little kid. A little girl who's lost and scared for her life. I hold her close in my arms as to try and protect her from my inner demon. I try so hard.

"Eleanor, I love you more than anything. I love the lads. I'm trying with everything I have to bring myself back. All I keep facing is evil. Terrible, terrible evil. But It's you that pushes me back. Even if It's only for a single moment, you fight that evil away. You are the light at the end of the dark tunnel. You are all I have left as the lads are too".

I can see her small grin and I know I at least did a little right this time. She holds me and I hold her. With the bracelet I still possess on my wrist from years ago, I finally feel like I have something to live for. And with those simple two words engraved on the silver, I know I will be alright. That I will fight this.

"Love, E".