Venom & Oblivion

Chapter 6

The minutes were gone unnoticed. Mark slowly detached himself from Jinyoung and looked down at him, who was still on his back on the floor.

Mark's eyes met Jinyoung's puzzled ones. The silence became unbearable and at last, Jinyoung sat up beside Mark. His first kiss. Unknowingly, he traced his fingers on his own lips but stopped when he felt Mark's eyes on him.

"Why? Why did you do it?" asked Jinyoung, "Were you perhaps experimenting on what Lann and Kang had said? To see my reaction and whether what they had said about me trying to get into your pants, was true or not?"

Jinyoung wished it was all just a joke and that Mark had just wanted to see if he was really gay like Lann and Kang had assumed. Anything but that it had been seriously intended.

He would forgive Mark even if it had been just a sick joke - after all, they were just teenagers.

He heard Mark exhaling for a deep sigh and their eyes met again, both seeming so lost.

"How can you think of me doing that with such intention?" Mark muttered.

Mark took another long pause and then said, his voice sounding unwilling and uncertain, "I kissed you because I love you. Yes, Jinyoung, I love you. Does that make sense?"

Jinyoung could not believe what he had heard and searched Mark's face for any hint at a joke.

"No, you don't." That felt wrong. What would that confession do to them?

"What do you mean I don't? Do you think I'm just making up all these things?"

"B-But I don't want to believe this. Can we just forget that? I...we sh-"

"Jinyoung, are you thinking that I just blurted out something nonsense and you just want to move on, leaving that nonsense as just nonsense?"

Jinyoung shook his head and was at a loss of words. Mark's anger and incredulity were all detected in his voice, and his eyes were starting to get cold again.

"Mark, I see you only as a friend. I'm not ready for any relationship. We're still just high-school students. Let's just drop all of this, shall we?"

But Jinyoung realised everything was a big deal the moment Mark's hands fell on his shoulders, gripping them hard and his eyes challenging Jinyoung to meet them.

"You're just not ready for a relationship. That doesn't mean that you don't love me. Do you love me?"

"Mark, I'm sorry. I love you as a friend. Isn't that enough? I do, I love you but only as my friend."

Jinyoung winced when he felt Mark's grip on his shoulders tightened, and looked helplessly at Mark.

"So you've never loved me the other way?" Mark let out a laugh, which seemed to be only mocking himself, "What a fool I am that all along I was thinking you had some feelings for me. You know what? You shouldn't have given a damn about me. You shouldn't have made me feel like I was everything to you, when I'm not."

Jinyoung shook his head, "Can't I just make a friend? And you're wrong, Mark. You do mean a lot to me. I can see myself in you and I like being with you. My school life was dry before you came into my life. We were both lonely. Can't we be friends, who would face together this harsh world or the criticising words from people like Lann and Kang?"

"You dream too much, Jinyoung," Mark let go of Jinyoung and stood up.

Jinyoung caught his wrist, trying to stop him, "Mark, don't go. I know you're angry with me. Can't we just pretend like nothing's happened?"

In a moment, Mark bent down and his clenched fist launched forward, which made Jinyoung close his eyes. His heart painful but if Mark wanted to burst out his anger this way, let him be.

Except that no blow came to his face but something hitting a hard surface was heard. Jinyoung opened his eyes and followed Mark's hand.

Jinyoung tried to take hold of his hand but Mark shook it free from Jinyoung.

"Your hand is bleeding! What did you do that for?"

Mark ignored him and got up to his own feet again, his fist still clenched even when blood was leaking from the cuts on the knuckles.

"Don't care about me. And don't expect me to stay in your fantasy of ideal friendship. Goodbye, Jinyoung," Mark said, his eyes cold enough to bring tears to Jinyoung's eyes.

Without any more words and glances, Mark strode to the stairs and disappeared from the rooftop. Jinyoung wiped his tears and got up to his feet to run after Mark.

But then Mark was already out of sight and Jinyoung broke down to his knees near the stairs. Everything had happened so fast that he wanted to believe that all of this was just a dream. When he woke up, there would still be Mark, who would put on his cold side but still would let Jinyoung do anything with him. The rooftop would still be their favourite place to hang out with a lunchbox.

Jinyoung ran his hands through his hair, as more tears welled up in his eyes. He had fucked up, he knew. But there was no point to lie, which would be even worse than just rejecting Mark.

Long after Mark had left, and after Jinyoung had calmed himself down, he left the rooftop and set forth, with the determination to find Mark, in the school compound. The bench outside their class, their classroom and all the other places which he imagined Mark might be at.

But there was no sign of Mark anywhere and at last, Jinyoung had to stop his search, convinced that Mark must have already gone back home or gone somewhere else.

Once again, the horror came to him that he had lost his friend; the only person he cared about in this whole school. It was all his fault, he sighed, he had hurt Mark. Which was the last thing he wanted to do. If only Mark could understand him. Or better if only Mark had not fallen for him.

Things would never be the same anymore between them. He had hurt Mark, and crushed Mark's hopes, which was even worse than any of the mocking words from Lann and Kang or any gossips about Mark, in the whole school.