Cardiac Arrest (Lapidot)

Chapter 21

I slammed my fist into the stone wall, letting out a choked sob. My head pounded, and tears continued to stream down my face. I was unable to breathe normally, and my heart burned like a blazing fire. My nose ran, but I did not bother to wipe it, and I turned away from the wall slowly. My face felt like it was burning at over 100 degrees, and I stared at the metal bars in front of me. How could you let this happen? This is all your fault...why the fuck did it have to be her. Why did you get so attached. This is all your fault. Nobody's but yours. 

I sorrowfully trudged up to them, and wrapped my fingers around one of them. I then placed my other hand on another cold bar, and leaned my head forward. My forehead hit the restricting bars, and the icy cold was unwelcoming. I closed my eyes as more warm tears spilled out, and I screamed at the top of my lungs, not caring who heard me. The scream echoed off the walls down across the other cells, but that was the only sound I got in response. 

I released the bars and pushed off, walking back toward the wall. I tangled my right hand into my messy hair, and my free hand slapped my forehead. I repetitively slapped it, my eyebrows furrowed and my heart hurting. I let out another sob and thrashed my fists in the air, staring at the ceiling now with swollen eyes. I couldn't stop crying, and I knew I was always going to be left with this horrible regret. I gritted my teeth, and inhaled deeply.

"...Peridot." I heard a hoarse voice mutter from across the hall, most likely in another cell. I said nothing in response, and looked down at the floor. "Peridot." the voice called louder, and the one who it belonged to was a bit more recognizable now. "What, Jasper." I flatly replied, trying to keep myself from collapsing. "I...I didn't know that was the one. I had no idea she was the one I was looking for." she murmured, and her deep voice echoed. "Yeah...w-we were only tryna help, dude." I then heard Amethyst pipe in from another cell.

I remained silent, and furrowed my eyebrows deeply. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all of this. I should've given you more space... I shouldn't have pushed you the way I have been." Jasper then said, but my gaze didn't leave the floor. "It doesn't matter. Sorry doesn't bring her back. Sorry doesn't reverse time. Sorry doesn't undo anything." I deadpanned. There was a long deafening silence, and I tried to swallow back a lump in my throat. "Besides... you don't even need to say sorry." I added. "What?" I heard Jasper question.

"This whole thing is my fault. I am the reason for this mess. I'm the reason for us being here in jail. Hell, I'm the reason we had to come here in the first place." I explained, lowering myself to sit on the floor. "You can't completely blame yourself, Peri." Amethyst muttered. "I HAVE TO, AMETHYST! WHO ELSE IS THERE TO BLAME FOR THIS FUCKING MESS?! LAPIS?!" I yelled. "LAPIS DIDN'T DO A SINGLE DAMN THING! THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKER WHO SCREWED UP HERE IS ME! I LIED TO HER! I LIED TO YOU GUYS! I DECEIVED HER!" I hollered louder, feeling my voice crack.

I received no response from them, and I felt my breathing grow heavier. "...I-I...I messed up, you guys. I messed up bad." I then said in a soft, whimpering voice. "Peridot...there was a lot of stress put on you. We all make mistakes. You were just in a sticky situation, and not everyone can escape that so easily." Jasper assured, and I roughly wiped the tears from my eyes. "We all make mistakes. But I made a grave mistake, Jasper. This is going to stick with me for the rest of my life. I was in a sticky situation, and I knew it. But instead of trying to escape it, I just ended up further gluing myself in place." I grunted.

"How did this all even start?" Amethyst suddenly asked, and I was silent for a moment. I pulled my knees up to my chest, and I sniffled. "It could've just been a casual conversation with a stranger. And nothing more. That's how it should've started." I stated. "But no... I let it escalate. I just had to pay for her coffee. I had to flirt with her. I had to text her. I had to see her again. I had to date her knowing damn well how risky it was. I had to lie to her face. I knew it was wrong, but I still fueled the fire, didn't I?" I ranted, glaring down at my knees. "If I had just told her the truth, sure I'd be here. But she'd be up and about out there. Enjoying life. Moving along with her job, showing her immense dedication that I absolutely admired."

I heard Jasper sigh sadly, and I scrunched up my eyebrows. I had an obsession. It only grew worse the more I saw Lapis. I don't regret the good times I had with her, but at the same time, I regret ever even introducing myself to her. If I had known I'd end up here, and she'd end up... the point is if I could see into the future I would've immediately forgotten the coffees and just went straight home. I buried my face into my knees, and felt more hot tears threatening to spill out. I still love her. She still means the world to me.

My emotional state was a rollercoaster at this point, and I just closed my eyes. "So...what now?" Amethyst asked. "...I guess we may be here for a while. I may be longer, considering I actually shot an officer." Jasper explained. I only heavily sighed. "Wait guys...WAIT." Amethyst said the last part louder, and I lifted my head slightly. "What is it?!" Jasper sounded a little startled. "We still have one phone call right?! That's three of us! We could call Aqua or Topaz!" Amethyst beamed, and I remained unmoving. "You're right! I'll call Aqua! You can call Topaz, and if neither of them answer, that gives us one more right?" Jasper asked, and I simply rolled my eyes.