ERROR ERROR ERROR

I Don't Know

It's hard to explain.

It's hard to grasp it myself.

The way I go from being so happy then super down. 

Nothing bad has happened, so why do I feel like this?

Misconceptions, misunderstandings.

I'm sorry for being annoying. 

Don't deny it, I may not annoy you all the time but I know there are moments you'd wish I would just shut up.

I want to disappear.

I want to shut up.

Sometimes I watch others laugh and have fun.

And I think about it.

They'd much rather them over me.

I'm useless.

They can at least talk to that person.

I'm too quiet.

They don't get annoyed by them.

I'm obnoxious and loud.

In between both quiet and loud.

I don't say a thing or I never shut up.

It's scary.

I've always wanted to be able to read a persons mind.

Because maybe then I can find out how they truly think of me.

Only then I'd be satisfied with their answers.

But it's impossible.

So I'm forever stuck wanting to believe but not being able to fully.

Some days I can't even look in the mirror because all I see is a failure.

I'm so...average.

I realise I'll never amount to anything more.

I'll get an average life.

My dreams will just be....dreams.

Will I ever find someone that really understands me?

The tears are there, they want to fall.

Yet, like usual, nothing comes out.

Why is nothing coming out?

I appear so cold and heartless.

But please believe me when I say I feel everything.

I'm so full of emotion and I have no way to release it.

It's always held back by the lump in my throat.

"Just cry, it's okay,"

I know.

Trust me I know.

I just can't though.

I don't know how to just let it all flow.

Sorry I'm rambling.

I do that a lot.

I guess this is a time I won't shut up.

Don't worry, I'll be quiet soon.

I'll get quiet for a long time.

I'll look like I'm happy.

But don't let my mask fool you.

Behind it lies a girl broken.

Not breaking, no she's far from that at this point.

She'a broken and she's struggling to fix herself.

She's struggling to find help even though help is everywhere.

Why does she struggle so much?

Why doesn't she just get help?

I'm annoyed at the girl behind the mask.

The one that tries to hide everything.

I'm annoyed at her for not trusting her friends.

I'm annoyed at her for being annoying.

Why can't she just be free.

Let her worries go and ride with the flow of life.

She's done it so far.

She just needs to free herself and let her passions guide her. 

But she won't.

I won't.

I've repeated myself over and over with these stories.

They're all the same.

I'm sorry

I just don't understand how to deal with my feelings. 

I don't want to dump them on friends and family.

So I post them and hope that someone, anyone, reads them and can understand me without getting annoyed or mad.

"Hugs fix everything"~Chan

They do, and at this moment a human hug is all I need.

Not a "oh hey haven't seen you in a while" hug

Or a "goodbye" hug.

I need one of those long hugs. 

The ones with someone that means the world to me.

Not related to me but a friend or Significant other.

No I've had too many family hugs, they've lost some meaning.

I need one of those hugs that radiate warm, homey vibes.

Just-those hugs.

I just need someone here.

Perhaps I'm extremely lonely.

Even if I'm not alone.

Perhaps I'm being over-dramatic again.

I'm sorry.

Sorry for apologising a lot; habit.

I don't know.