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Heart in a Cage

Make-up scattered in front of the mirror, a failed attempt at an eye look for formal. The broken clothes rack leaning against the bookshelf, the basket full of wet clothes waiting to be hung. Her mind racing yet empty at the same time, arguing with her heart stuck in a cage.

What do you do?

What can you do?

Three times in a row, all within the span of six months. Heartbreak after heartbreak to the point the darkness consumed her for the next six or seven months. Finally as she breaks free, feeling better with her walls built high and a brand new cage around her heart that the dealer swore it was the strongest cage you could get.

What happens when he apologises?

What happens when your parents start pushing again?

Endless nights of confusion mixed into days of relief. Never knowing if she was fighting off the darkness or her own heart. The days seemed to mix into an endless loop of endless questions.

"He's trying so hard! And it's a definite no?! You need to tell him!"

But she can't. Because it's not a definite no. It's the cage rusting quicker then she;s ever seen before. The walls smashing into the ground as she desperately tries to build them back up. Down, up, down, up. Over and over again to the point she's exhausted.

She thought, maybe if she ignored it it would go away. But someone's feelings don't just fade in a day. The constant tugging on her heart and mind scared her beyond belief.

What was she so afraid of?

Why doesn't she just talk?

Years of locking away her heart and the memories came flashing back. She was terrified, and for once she admitted it. Because, letting him in would mean she would have to open up. Letting him meant showing him all of her sides. Letting him in meant she would not longer be alone but to her that sounds like the worst position.

Because not being alone anymore meant she was vunerable. It meant she was in the most perfect position to be hurt the most in her entire life. It meant that she'd have to cry in front of him and learn how to do things she's never done before.

But she keeps asking herslef. Why? Why does he like me? Why me and not some other girl he's known and talked to for years?

Then the what if's creep in.

What if I'm not what he thinks I am? What if we never work in the end? What if neither of us can adjust tp the others lifestyle? What if-

She slams her head into her plushie. The tears begging to run, run like her heart wants to. Far away from the fear. Far away from anything that could hurt it. 

How does she communicate? She's never been well at it.

He's hurt her before but technically now she's leading him on without meaning to do so. So to say they're even now. But what good is that?

"Be more forgiving!" Her mother yells.

But she just knows her mum wants them together.

"What am I doing?" she cries.

The last time she tried to give her ehart to someone they played with it. She doesn't know how to do it again. Not without getting hurt. And what if she doesn't want him? What if it's just her body, desperate for the attention and affection she's never recieved. 

She doesn't want to play him and she doens't want to get hurt.

She doesn't know....