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Closure

How have you been?

It's been a month now since I last spoke to you.

A month since I removed you from my life.

But you had already removed me from yours before that, didn't you?

I hope you're doing good, you seemed so relieved when you had moved out of this hell hole of a town.

Thanks for telling me, even if I had to ask to know.

I guess you're wondering what this is about.

I mean, I don't even know myself.

I've been thinking a lot lately, since you rejected me and even before that.

You know I never got closure.

Sure you told me why you didn't want to date me, and I'm fine with that I am!

I don't hold any hatred towards you but still...you've hurt me more then anyone ever has before.

Even now I'm still trying to recover.

Although you'll never read this since I never told you I had an account, I guess I'll still write it.

Maybe it'll help me, maybe it won't.

...

Why?

You saw me, a socially awkward girl who didn't like to drink at the time.

A girl who got dragged into conversations by her brothers mates.

A girl who kept disapearing through the night.

A girl who said to her mum "he's cute".

You saw me and still went for me. 

Maybe it was the alcohol, a messy mistake but you didn't stop when sober.

You talked to me all night, flirted even.

I'm surpised, I really am.

You somehow got me to flirt back.

I'd never felt that way before.

You came over the next day to watch a movie with me.

How cute, you made your hand a fist and cutely swayed it in the air beside me until I realised you wanted to hold my hand.

I'd catch you staring at me when watching the movie.

I'd ask "what?" and you'd just smile and say "nothing".

We hung out more, talked more.

But I should've trusted everyone else.

I should've known.

Your warmth drew me in, I think I was obsessed with that the most.

You made the cold days feel warm.

I'd never felt that warmth before.

I remember one time we were laying on your bed, side by side just talking about life.

You told me about your past.

My trust in you grew.

You put your arm over me then and there and it felt so warm and sweet.

I didn't ever want to leave.

But I should've guessed.

As the months went by I was the one starting every single conversation with you.

I must've looked insane, right?

Then came new years eve night.

You came over, excited since I was drinking for the first time.

I was worried a little, since I knew most people there didn't like you.

We talked all night long.

You told me the sweetest things and I tried to muster up some words.

But I couldn't.

You sid you weren't good enough for me.

How do you explain to someone that they are when you know no matter what you say it won't change your mind.

"You looked so sad that night when we talked..."

How can I not?

I suck at talking as it is and I didn't know how to comfort you.

But, it struck midnight. 

I kissed your cheek.

Twenty minutes later, you kissed my lips.

You'd taken my glasses off, put your hand on my cheek, covered my eyes and kissed me.

It was amazing.

But I should've known.

The next day you got the best friend approval after bonding with her over trauma.

Two weeks later.

We finally met up after you kissed me.

I dressed in a super cute outfit.

I got up an hour early.

You got up 10 minutes before we were meant to meet.

We walked around and talked.

Then we started talking about it.

You rejected me.

"I'm just not your type...your innocent and I'm not...I still miss my ex...I might be moving at the end of the year.."

You said all of those things.

And while I was understanding and didn't get mad.

It still hurt.

It took a while for it to set in that I was hurt by it.

Cause even after that we were still friends and you'd flirt occasionally.

Then you moved for personal reasons which I respect.

But I had to find out myself after I waited for you to message and you hadn't in a month or two.

Now here I am.

Half a year in, still hung up on you.

I didn't want to let you go.

I fell into a depressive episode...a long one.

I was sad.

Then I got mad.

Then I was back to the start, sad and confused.

So I guess there's only one thing left to say.

Why did you kiss me?

Why did you go for me?

You said you meant to kiss me, you meant it and you liked it.

The biggest question of all...

Why did you kiss me if you weren't going to love me?

But you'll never read this.

I'll never ask you myself.

Which means I'll never get closure on what really went on in your mind.

Maybe I was a girl you thought you could have extra benifits with.

Maybe I was too much.

All I know for sure, whether it was intentional or not, is that you played me.

I hope the painting I did for you is still hung up though.

I hope it reminds you of me everytime you look at it. 

And as hurt as I am right now, my life is going to be so much better without you.

Your warmth was nice, but now it's bittersweet.

I'm making my own closure.

Goodbye M.