『 the sound of you and i 』 ➤ the first "sounds" book

☆ Ⅴ ｐ．２ ∞ 𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 𝚐𝚛𝚎𝚎𝚗 ☆

We don't have sex.

She kisses my neck and I squirm and it all feels so good but then I feel her hands on my shirt and I suddenly freak out. I'm not out to her, but that's not even the thing I'm freaking out about.

My chest.

My repulsive, womanly, thing that's not meant to be there.

I know what's going to happen and I can't let it happen.

She starts to unbutton my shirt and I let out a small whine, making her smile. But it was meant to be a bad whine. God, why does this feel so good? I whine again and I mumble her name. She thinks it's all part of the pleasure she's giving me but I think if I stay in this situation I'll have a panic attack.

"Parker," I mumble but it comes out as a moan again.

She still thinks it's all part of the plan. Thankfully she's stuck on my third button.

"Parker," I say and it doesn't sound as pleasure filled.

She still doesn't stop.

"Parker!" I yell and she stops and looks up at me, almost shocked.

"Huh?"

I tear up. She holds me. I cry.

~

"It's fine if you're not ready," she mumbles and I sniff a bit.

We're back downstairs and I'm snuggled up in her arms, my shirt buttoned back up again. I told her I couldn't do it through my sobs and she was so nice about it and insisted on bringing me back downstairs and getting me some water. I love her, I lover her, I love her.

"It's not that-" I start, but I can't tell her. I don't know why. I take a sip of my water and swallow it harshly. This feels so wrong.

"You don't have to make excuses, it's fine, I respect that you don't want to do it."

I bite my lip and stay quiet.

"I thought I was doing a good job-"

"Don't even think that you weren't. Did you hear me moan? I fucking moaned! I've never moaned before in my life!"

We laugh a little and she's seriously the best person in my life other than my sister. But I know she's going to ask.

After a few moments of silence, the dreaded question comes. "Why did you want me to stop then?"

I bite my lip again, bringing my hand up to my neck only to take it away again after a wince, the lovebites are still a bit sore. "I-"

"Wait, it's none of my business-"

"No," I stop her. I think I'm ready to tell her. She deserves to know and I don't want her thinking anything bad about herself or doubting us. "It's very much your business, you're my girlfriend."

She knows I'm not done yet so she stays quiet.

"But I'm not your 'girlfriend'."

She stares at me, confused. I can't help but smile a little. She shakes her head, showing me she's completely clueless. Worry quickly flashes through her eyes. "Oh, god, are you cheating on me?"

"What? No-!"

"If you are, please tell me, I want to know and try and sort out whatever is wrong with us-"

"I'm your boyfriend."

She falls silent and I let her take it in. She still doesn't get it. I let out a groan and tilt my head back. She gives me this look that tells me she thinks I look beautiful.

"I'm trans," I eventually say, slowly as if I'm dumbing it down for her. It makes me feel bad but she doesn't notice.

"Transgender...?" She mumbles, slowly getting it.

"Yeah, exactly."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"Does that mean you were born a guy? You look really female for a guy-"

"No. I wish I was born a guy. I am a guy. Just... not physically."

I let it sink in again. Her eyes flicker and I realise that she's understood. "Ftm; female to male," she says and I nod.

"You know a lot about it."

"Yeah, I had a trans friend back in my old school, he was so sweet. Transitioned pretty young. He suits being a guy. I haven't talked to him in ages, I think I'll contact him later."

I smile a bit.

She blinks a few times, looking over my face. "If you cut your hair, you'll pass."

"What?"

"If you cut your hair, you'll pass as a guy."

"You think so?"

"Absolutely. You're a pretty masculine girl. Well, you're not a girl, but you get what I mean."

I smile. I want to say that she has no idea how good that compliment makes me feel, but I think she does.

"But you're not masculine enough for yourself."

I shake my head. "I'll never be masculine enough."

"You will in my eyes. You're my boyfriend, the most masculine label out there."

I melt into her and I'm so happy I told her.

"I'm glad you told me," she says and I can feel her smile.

"Me too."

~

The door opens downstairs and I hear some soft humming. I look to Parker, smiling as I realise she's fallen asleep. We went back upstairs to my room and we lay down and we cuddled and kissed a bunch and then we just talked and talked and then it seems that she fell asleep.

I manage to get out of her arms without waking her and I waddle downstairs. I glance down at myself, giggling a little, remembering that Parker and I are wearing matching pyjamas. Snoopy ones, trousers and a shirt. She looks so cute in them.

Viola grins at me, raising an eyebrow. "Where's Parker?"

"Upstairs. She's sleeping."

"Cute." She sits down her keys on the kitchen table, going into the fridge and bringing out the remainder of our champagne. She drinks it straight out of the bottle to spite mum. "Did you guys have fun?"

"Yeah." I let her swallow some more before continuing. "We almost had sex."

She coughs a bit and looks at me, putting the bottle down. "Almost?"

"I couldn't do it."

"Ah."

"Yeah, it was too weird. It made me feel... wrong."

"That's okay."

"She was so nice about it, telling me we could wait until I was ready. I thought I was ready, but I don't think I'll be ready until my body is the way I want it to be. Then I came out to her. She was so nice about that, too. I don't think she minds. I don't think it'll affect us."

She comes over and hugs me and I bury my face in her shoulder. "I'm happy for you, Gra-- Ash."

I smile a bit. "You can still call me Grace, it's okay."

"No, I want to call you by your real name."

"I love you."

"You say that a lot."

"I know."

We go back upstairs and I hug her again and she kisses my head and tells me to go back to Parker. I smile and nod, letting her go to her own room before returning to my sleeping girlfriend. She's so beautiful.

I slip back in the bed, smiling as her arms wrapped back around me. She presses a kiss to my head and I don't even apologise for waking her up because I know we'll just be back asleep in two minutes.

It's the best sleep of my life.