Welcome to Gang Life

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The next week goes my in a blur. Lots and lots of dumb lectures and tests were this week so I barely had any time to think of what I'm gonna do.

I don't know if I should go back there or just wait for them to come to me. I bet they forgot about me. They probably found out about me and then when actually meeting me they realized they have a shitty sister and daughter.

I breathe in and out. Since it's a Saturday I already went to volunteer at a preschool that's under funded and went to the animal shelter to help out. Thankfully I don't work on Saturdays for my job since college has become a little too overwhelming. I'm gonna come back and start doing full shifts next week.

Currently I'm just lying on my bed my head swirling with unnecessary thoughts of how utterly confused and worthless I am. I don't know what to do. It's like one half of my brain is telling me one thing and the other part of my brain is telling me another.

I glance over at my bedside table and look over at the pills standing upright.

PTSD pills, Anti Depression, and Anxiety Pills.

I take one every day in the morning for each. Sometimes it helps with other times it feels like my mind is slowly getting worse. More thoughts are coming into my brain telling me to just slit my wrists or take the pills and gulp all of them at once. It seems so inviting.

But I can't do it because my brothers would then die and everyone would 'miss' me. I call bullshit on that thought but it's what keeps me going.

I need to punch something. I quickly go in my closet and put on my sports bra and some shorts and walk out into the living room where a bunch of weights are on the floor and a punching bag just waiting to get beaten. On the side is a pull up bar and a huge weight set for when I do heavy sets over 75lbs.

I quickly grab my headphones and phone and listen to random new pop songs that brain wash me. Every single song I've heard is either about a significant other, ex, love, sex, dissing someone, and many other topics I don't want to get into. It tends to drown out the words in my head and replace them with shitty tunes and rhythms.

Side hook. Punch. Punch. Left knee. Upwards kick. Punch downwards. Another side hook.

I try combinations like that for hours on end talking to some of my friends on the phone while they rant about their so called 'horrible' day and I make them feel better and give somewhat decent advice they end up taking.

I go over to the weights and sit down on my fluffy chair and take the 15lb ones. I continue to switch and after I go to the pull up bar.

Up. Stay. Down. Hold breath. Up again. Repeat.

This idea of training has been systematically wired in my brain and I can't seem to get rid of it. Not that I'm complaining.

DING.

I look towards my door and grab and sweatshirt and put it on not bothering to zip it up.

I open the door to see two men. I think there names were Elijah and Jake. My brothers stand behind them their gazes downwards to what seems to be in shame.

Both of their eyes rake over my body and I mentally shiver in disgust.

" Can we come in?" Derek asks.

I sigh and open the door for them and they all enter cautiously inspecting my place.

I close the door shut and breath out.

" So what do you want?"