Unsteady (Sequel to Hold On)

Chapter Twenty: Destruct.

Alisha

Derek falls beside me, both of us breathing heavy. "Well, we've never done that before," I say sitting up, "Nope," Derek says looking at me. 

"I'm sorry I dragged you into this," I whisper, "Don't be sorry, it felt nice to be with someone different, especially since we've known each other for what? 8 years?" he says smiling, he gets up and gets dressed.

"You don't regret it, do you?" Derek asks me, sitting beside me on the bed. "No, I don't regret it," I say smiling slightly. 

I see Rory asleep, "Fuck, we had sex in front of my daughter," I say covering my face. "Ali, she's four months old, I don't think she's going to remember it," Derek says chuckling. I sigh and nod, "Come on, let's go see our friends," I nod and get dressed, waking Rory up and taking her down with us. 

"We were beginning to think you guys died," Aaron says, "No, just a long talk," I say softly. Aaron hugs me, and then so does everyone else. We all sit down at a table, "She looks just like you," Emily says smiling at Rory, "She does, doesn't she?" I say and smile. 

We talked for hours, about SVU and the BAU, about our lives and how they've changed. Aaron said Jack is going to college soon, which blows my mind. "Man, I remember when he was just a kid," I say. "They grow up fast, Henry is going into the fourth grade," JJ says, I shake my head. 

I look at the time, "I should be getting to bed, I have work in the morning," I say standing up. "Can I walk you back to your room?" Aaron asks, "Sure," I say nodding. Rory had fallen asleep so I was careful to get up. We walk to the elevator, "I hear about what happened with you and Rafael, and then with the guy, you were kind of seeing," "Peter," I say. "Yeah, I'm sorry," Aaron says. I shrug, "I just always chose the wrong people," I say, not remembering at the moment that Aaron and I hooked up a while ago.

"Hey! I wasn't so bad," Aaron says laughing, "I know! I'm sorry," I say facepalming myself. "I like your hair, by the way, short hair fits you," Aaron says and smiles, "Thank you, I like it better short myself," I say as we arrive on my floor. We walk down to my room, "Well this is me," I say. 

"It's been nice catching up with you," Aaron says, "Yeah it has been," I say as we walk into my room, I set Aurora in her bed and smile at her.

"You're a great mom," Aaron says, "Sometimes. Sometimes I feel like I'm failing," I admit, "I never thought it would be this hard or complicated. Why do I complicate everything in my life?" I ask, more of a rhetorical question. 

"I mean, we were fucking complicated, you being my boss and everything, Rafael and I were a fucking disaster waiting to happen, same with Sonny, and Peter....he's lost so many people he doesn't know how to cope anymore so he's turning to sex.....but I guess so am I," Aaron raises an eyebrow, "Derek and I...uh...before we came back down..." 

His eyes widen a bit, "Oh, well alright," Aaron says shifting uncomfortably. "What?" I ask him, "I--I just.." "What is it, Aaron?" I said facing him, "I was going to see if you wanted...." "Oh," I say, realizing where he was going with it. 

"It was a stupid thought, I'm way too old for you, I mean not that it was a problem beforehand I just--you have a kid," I put my hand on his cheek, "Stop rambling," I whisper. My heart was screaming at me to stop, but my mind didn't care. I press my lips against his, and he kisses me back. And I remember being that 24-year-old girl.

Flashback (Trigger Warning: Self Harm)

"Ali, you're being extremely distant from the rest of the team, we're worried about you," Aaron says, "Hotch, I'm fine," I somewhat snap as I walk into my hotel room. This case we were working on was extremely heartbreaking, and we finally solved it, but it brought back so many memories of what happened that I shut down.

"You shut down when you saw that girl being brought out of the house," Aaron says, following me into my room. "Hotch, I said I was fine," I snap facing him. "Miller, I know that isn't true. Prentiss saw your arms," 

My mouth fell open a little bit and I didn't know what to say, "Let me see your arms Alisha," I don't say anything as he walks over to me, yanking my sleeve up. Cuts and scars lined my arms and I yanked them away from him, pulling my sleeves back down. 

"Ali, why are you---" "I was raped. 5 years ago. And I haven't exactly dealt with it," I admit to him, he was taken back. "Does anyone else know?" "My mom, but I didn't go to the police with it. I didn't even go to campus security after it happened," "Ali.." 

"Aaron look, I didn't tell you because...because I like you, okay? As more than a friend, as more than a boss, but that's the problem isn't it? You ARE my boss, and there is absolutely nothing I can do about the way I feel for you, and I understand if you want me transferred but I couldn't tell you what happened to me or why I was doing this to myself because I didn't want you to pity me or feel bad for what I went through---" Next thing I know his lips are on mine. 

"You ramble too much," He whispers. 

----

As I came back to reality, I was sitting on top of Aaron, making out with him just like I did 5 years ago. He pulls back before I do, "Ali, this isn't right," He says, picking me up and setting me to the side of him and standing up. "What? Why not?" I ask, "Because I'm not going to be a rebound," He says. "And you already slept with Derek,"

"Why does it matter who I sleep with or when?" "Ali, you're self-destructing," "What? No, I'm not," I say looking at him. "Yes you are, and the fact that you won't admit just proves it further," 

"I'm fine.." I whisper, "yeah uh, besides from the not sleeping, and the jumpiness, and the constant fear that something bad is about to happen," Aaron sits in front of me. 

"Ali, you're not okay," "I'm fine." I restate, "Really? How much have you been drinking? When did you start drinking again?" I don't respond. "When did you start cutting again?" I snap my head up, "I felt them, on your side, Derek was probably to distracted to notice them." Aaron says. 

"You're hurting and you won't let anyone in," "I did let someone in, I let Peter in and then he chose to drink and sleep around after his sister died," 

"And you're doing the same thing, you slept with Derek, if I hadn't stopped and thought about it, we probably would be having sex right now, you're first instinct when you get hurt is to run to another guy, you said yourself that any time shit went down with you and Rafael, you'd run to...what was his name? Dominick? and then when things went south with him you ran to Peter, now things went south with Peter and you are running to any guy that will give you the slightest of attention. You ran to Spencer, and then to Derek and then to me," 

"If you're just going to attack me you can leave," I snap and stand up facing towards the window, "I'm not attacking you Ali, I'm trying to get you to see that you need help." 

"I'll be fine." I snap.

Aaron sighs, "Fine..." I hear him grab his jacket, "Alisha, I love you, and I would do anything in this world to see you happy again, but I will not sit by and watch you self-destruct, I'm sorry, I don't have the strength to watch you do it again," and with that, Aaron left.

Tears streamed down my face as I covered my mouth to keep my sob quiet so I didn't wake Aurora, I slide down against the bed and cry.

Because he is absolutely right.

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