Unsteady (Sequel to Hold On)

Chapter Twenty-One: You Need Help. (TW)

Aaron

"I don't have the strength to watch you do it again"

Replays in my head as I walk towards the elevator, I need to get her help but I don't even know where to start. 

Olivia. She gave me her number after Ali's trial against Mike. 

I dial it and press the phone to my ear, "Olivia Benson," she says, "Hey, Olivia, its Aaron Hotchner, Ali's old--" "Boss, yes, I remember you from her trial, is everything okay?" she asks, "Why do you ask?" I ask her, "She hasn't been to work since Thursday, which is unlike her," Olivia says. 

"Peter and her had a falling out, she ended up staying with an old friend, but that's not what I'm calling you about," I say. "Peter told me some of it, but what's going on?" Olivia asks I can hear her shutting a book or something of the sort.

"Did Ali tell you she used to self-harm?" I ask, walking out of the elevator, I see Emily, JJ, David, Derek, and Spencer looking at me. "She did....why?" Olivia asks, "Well, she's started again," I see Derek look at me, and head towards the elevator, Spencer behind him. 

"She what?" Olivia asks, "Ali, she's self-destructing, she won't admit it, but she is. Something has snapped in her and I think what Peter did just pushed it further along." "Where is she?" "At Hilton Hotel, with us," "I'm on my way," and with that Olivia hung up the phone.

Alisha

I stare at myself in the mirror, cuts lined my stomach and upper thighs. They weren't fresh, I did them a few days ago, but they were new enough. I felt a tear stream down my face, "Why am I such a failure? I failed at being a detective, a friend, a girlfriend, a mom, a daughter...why can't I just...pick myself up and be okay again?" I whisper to myself. 

I look at the bottle of Advil on the counter and grab it, walking to Aurora's crib and kissing her head, "I love you, sweet girl," I whisper. I go back into the bathroom, breathing slowly and try to open the cap but it wasn't moving. "Fuck." I whisper.

 I hear banging at my hotel room door but ignored it, "Alisha! Open this damn door!" I hear Derek say, I feel tears rushing down my face as I try to quickly open the bottle of pills. I hear the beep of the door unlocking, "Ali stop!" I hear Derek scream as he grabs the bottle, I fight with him over it. "I CAN'T GET THE FUCKING CAP OFF!" I scream, he yanks it away from me and throws it somewhere. "WHY DID YOU DO THAT!?"I scream, "I want to die!" 

"Shhh," Derek says pulling me into his arms, as we sink to the floor and I sob. Spencer looks worried and like he's about to cry as I sob. I completely forgot I wasn't wearing a shirt and Derek realizes all the cuts I have. 

"Ali, you need help," Derek whispers against my head, a few moments later, JJ, Emily, Amanda, Olivia, Sonny, Fin, Aaron, and Penelope walk in as well. I hear Aurora crying and Amanda went to get her. 

Olivia sits in front of me, "Ali, what happened?" she whispers, "I can't do it anymore Olivia," I whisper. "I'm so tired," "Come on, we're going to get you to the hospital," Olivia says. JJ hands her one of my shirts and I slip it on. Sonny looks at me, his eyes were sparkling like he was crying or about to. "I'm sorry," I whisper. 

"For what?" he asks, "For everything," he just shakes his head and pulls me into a hug. 

Peter

I ran through the doors of the hospital, "Alisha Miller, where is she?" I ask the receptionist. "Peter," I hear Olivia say, I turn and see her standing by the vending machine. I go to her, "What happened?" "She tried to kill herself," Olivia says softly.

"What?" I ask, "She finally broke Peter," Amanda says walking up. "Did she actually take anything?" I ask, "No, thankfully, her old partner stopped her before she could get the cap off," Olivia explains as we begin walking. 

"I--I messed up, I know that, but I didn--" "She doesn't blame you. She doesn't blame anyone but herself right now, Sonny is with Aurora, her old team is here as well," Amanda says. 

"She began self-harming again, drinking, trying to fill a void," "We only had a fall out yesterday, how did it go so south in 24 hours?" I ask, "This has been built up, I think long before her and Sonny broke up, the cuts look like they've been there for a few days, Aaron called me and said he was worried she was self-destructing, and then when we got there he told us she had slept with her old friend,Derek, and Aaron and her almost slept together again, she's been falling apart and we didn't even see it," Olivia says as we stop in front of Ali's room. 

I look in her room, she was talking to a black guy and an older guy with dark hair, "That's Derek and Aaron," Amanda says. I nod and open the door, walking in. 

"Peter?" she whispers, "Hey," I say softly. "We'll give you guys a minute," Derek says before leaving. 

"Ali--I'm so, so sorry..." I say sitting beside her and taking her hand, "Peter, this is not your fault, honestly, it had nothing to do with you.." "I should've asked you to be my girlfriend, Ali, I love you so much, I was just so scared I would fuck it up and I ended up fucking it up anyway," she smiles slightly, "Hey, we both slept with someone else," she says softly.

I chuckle, "I'm sorry," I say, "If you give me another chance I--" "Okay." she says, "What?" I ask, "I'll give you another chance," I smile slightly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were cutting again?" I ask her, she looks down, "I didn't want to disappoint anyone, I didn't want to let you down," she says.

"Ali, you could never let me down, or anyone down, we all love you so much,  and we are all so proud of you, we all want you alive, especially that little girl of yours. She needs you. More than you even know," I say, pushing her hair out of her face. 

"Promise me, you're going to go to therapy, and you're going to get the help you need," I beg, "I promise Peter," I smile and pull her into a hug. 

"You scared the shit out of me," I mumble, she chuckles. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean too," she says. 

The door opens and everyone walks in, Amanda had a get well soon balloon, Sonny was holding Rory, everyone had a yellow rose. "Yellow is self-harm awareness, we want you to know you're not alone Ali, you never were." Olivia says. 

"I know, and I am so sorry, I should've been honest with you guys. Uh--can I talk to Derek...alone?" Ali asks, we nod. I squeeze her hand and we all left, except Derek. 

Do you think Ali will stick to her word but telling them when she's falling apart?